At the time, a trip across the world sounded magical, wonderful. With a baby still tucked safely inside my tummy, I had yet to realize how hard it would actually be to take this trip.
Pre-baby, Bryan and I traveled all the time. As a perk of Bryan's frequent travel schedule, we've been able to take very nice vacations on points and miles alone. This one included.
Since having Liam, obviously, our trips have scaled down just a bit. We've taken several trips with Liam, and just one without Liam. We went on 5-day trip to Florida in May to celebrate our anniversary without Liam. Like this trip, I was dreading it, but much to my amazement, we all survived every day we were away. Liam loved being spoiled by Gigi, and it was so wonderful to be able to reconnect and unwind with my husband. (Not to mention sleep in!) At the end of those five days, I was SO ready to see our baby. It literally felt like my arms were aching as we sulked through a 4-hour delay on our way home.
This trip we're taking is 10 days. DOUBLE the time. So for months now, I've had this week looming ahead of me. I use that word, "looming," purposefully. I'm excited, yet dreading it at the same time.
Our first family vacation to Seattle
"No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future. It's impossible to be happy if you're constantly somewhere else, unable to fully embrace the reality (good or bad) of this very moment."This really hit home, especially as I wrote a few weeks ago about feeling "less than" lately. And even more so as I think about this trip.
This trip is happening, ready or not. So why am I wasting energy worrying about it? And what am I even worrying about? I know Liam will be in the best of hands with his grandparents and our nanny. They will all take the very best care of him. And once you have a baby, I feel like your mortality becomes so much more...real. In other words, if our plane crashes on the way to Peru, he loses both of his parents. I realize this is morbid. In the same vein of wasting energy worry about things that are going to happen anyway, it's also a waste of energy to worry about things that are out of our control.
I also feel guilty for leaving him, and I've been all kinds of stressed out thinking about whether or not to continue pumping while I'm gone, or to wean. I literally CRY when I talk about the trip. This is not, OK, people.
I'm not going to jail. I'm not going to the other end of the Earth. I'm not even going to be gone for two weeks. I'M GOING TO SOUTH AMERICA. This is exiting and amazing! We are going to Machu Picchu and South American wine country, for crying out loud. To say nothing of Buenos Aires.
Basically, I need to pull my shit together and change my perspective. I need to realize how many people would LOVE to trade places with me. I need to be grateful that we can afford such a trip, regardless of points or miles, and that we have grandparents who are willing to travel to our home, take time from their lives and allow us to do such a thing. Taking a luxurious vacation to South America most certainly is not something to cry over.
I've figured out a plan for the whole pumping scenario - one that works in such a way that I can do so on our trip without (hopefully) affecting my supply too much, but that also will not interfere with the trip.
Not to mention, the trip will be so good for me and my husband. Strengthening the bond with Bryan is also in Liam's best interest. Nothing bad can come of quality time with your significant other.
Whom, I really need to apologize to. He's planned our ENTIRE trip and literally has barely shared a detail with me because he doesn't want to upset me. I know he thinks I'm not excited. (Honey, if you're reading, I'M EXCITED! I promise, I am.) I am so grateful my wonderful husband. Trip planning is but one of his many talents and things I love about him. I haven't even thought about the fact that he is having a hard time leaving Liam for an extended period, as well. It's nice to know we'll have each other as support. (Along with some amazing Chilean wine to take our minds off it, ya know?)
So here's to seriously letting go, embracing reality and opportunity, and being thankful for this trip and all the good that will come out of it, for us, for Liam, for the grandparents.
I'll catch ya'll on the flip side!