Cats Have 9 Lives—Bitches Have 2

Well, was this the worst episode of The Bachelor, or what.  No question mark, as this was not a question. I've never watched a more dark, confusing episode of this franchise. So many questions...let's get started.

The short story: Nick cleaned house last night and got rid of SIX contestants.

The medium story: Nick hates being The Bachelor. No one is having fun. This season is officially boring.

Now for the long story.

We start from last week's "cliffhanger" where Taylor swims up from the swamp to the exact location where Corinne and Nick are having dinner. Taylor wants Nick to "open his eyeballs"to Corinne's lies.

Much like Chad's "return" to the house after he was dumped, this confrontation fell short of any kind of excitement. Nick doesn't give AF what Taylor has to say, and basically tells Taylor, "I didn't dump you because you're a bully, I dumped you because I don't like you. Now GTFO." And Taylor does.

We resume the date with a drunk Corrine chugging champagne and talking to herself about how cats have nine lives and bitches have two (??????????). Unclear which Corinne is. She gets a rose.

Cocktail party time, and the producers tell Nick the girls are freaking out because they need time with him tonight and order him to cancel the cocktail party. Josephine, Jaimi and Alexis all go home. No one knows Josephine; Jaimi has no regrets (except for her lipstick tonight) and Alexis, we'll see you in Paradise, girl.

The group is headed to St. Thomas, where the Marriott is our new place that's perfect to fall in love, except everything that happens next is literally the most depressing shit I've seen on The Bachelor to date.

Kristina gets the first one-on-one date, much to Jasmine's dismay (foreshadowing). I haven't been really into Kristina this season, but she turned a corner with me this episode. Maybe it was her depressing AF childhood story about living in Russia, eating lipstick and getting kicked out of her family when she was five years old for eating so as not to starve...but it didn't feel like she was trying to use things as a ploy to get a rose. Which she did, of course. How could she not? Nick didn't know quite how to handle this revelation, and it feels like this disconnect may be an issue for them going forward. Time will tell.

Next up is a group date with Raven, Rachel, Danielle M, Jasmine, Vanessa and Corrine. (Leaving Whitney and Danielle L. to go on another two on one. nooooo!)

Can we talk about Lorna? Lorna, for those of you who don't know, was apparently a hotel staffer who was there to help the girls with any of their needs...a "nanny" if you will. On the heels of an episode held on a plantation, with no mention of slavery, to now having an African-American woman waiting on girls who have nothing better to do than drink champagne in bed all day...this scene infuriated me. We're treated to a full five minutes of Corrine talking about how Raquel will be jealous of Lorna. Like, seriously, bitch, your at-home servant is going to be jealous that someone else served you for a day? NO.

Anyhoo, what is supposed to be a "fun beach day" for the group date goes from fun to shots to no fun at all REAL quick.

I felt V confused watching seemed like all was well, everyone was getting tipsy and having fun. And then they started playing volleyball, and I noticed, not only how small Danielle M.'s boobs are, and how unflattering Corinne's swimsuit was....but also, that we have clearly missed a few details. Because suddenly, Rachel doesn't want to play anymore, Vanessa is crying about how she can't do this anymore, Corrine is taking shots and naps, Jasmine is throwing Corrine to the ground (a scene which I rewound and watched and LOL'd multiple times). Then everyone is on her own patch of sand crying about the day.

Literally what the fuck just happened? (Sidenote: In one of my Bachelor podcasts I listen to, the host said she heard that the winners of the volleyball game were supposed to win cocktail party time with Nick. Apparently, Raven, Rachel and Corrine won, and that's when Vanessa started crying, so Nick changed the rules and said everyone could come hang out. This makes more sense.)

The day was enough to bring any of these ladies to their emotional breaking point, but Jasmine is the lucky gal who sees these emotions come to a head tonight. After talking endlessly about how pissed she is about not yet having a one-on-one, how she will not be left behind (and several other platitudes), Jasmine talks to Nick about her frustration.

And by "talk to", I mean, threatens to choke him. Like for real, and then sexually, and Nick's like, um, no thanks, can you go home now? K thanks bye. Seriously though, watching Nick's face during this whole exchange was priceless. Homeboy doesn't hide his emotions well, and he was clearly so turned off by the whole interaction. Who can blame, him, really? Jasmine makes four girls who have gone home so far, but why stop now?


Next up is a 2-on-1 with Whitney and Danielle L.


Nick tells Whitney she's here because she's a calming presence, which apparently is true when you are mute and don't drink alcohol. Danielle is confused why she's here, because she's falling in love with Nick.

That's all Nick needs to hear before sending Whitney home, leaving her to sit in more silence while she speaks the most words we've heard this season when she asks Nick if he thinks Danielle L. is ready for a relationship. Valid point, Whitney, but again, WHO ARE YOU and WHY DOES YOUR OPINION MATTER? 

Also, can you stop calling her Danielle L, Danielle M isn't even here. (Or, DLo, apparently, is another option.)

Anyway, if there's one thing ABC is good at, it's leaving girls stranded in bayous, boats and beaches, while the lead takes off in a helicopter with their chosen one. Bye Whitney. Maybe we'll meet you for realsies sometime in the future.

So, here's my bone to pick with ABC. We saw last week the preview where the girls at the hotel are gasping because "he sent them both home!" We all knew Corrine wasn't going home last night, even after Taylor's "confrontation." So immediately, I knew this 2-on-1 was the end of the road for Danielle L.

As you guys know, I've been all in on Danielle L. since day one. Totally thought she would take the cake this season. Have her as my first pick in Fantasy Bachelorette! I was SO. WRONG. What was most upsetting to me about Danielle is that I feel like I missed something major this whole season. Like I've been duped. Because tonight, Danielle DID NOT do herself any favors. (Then again, producers could have just manipulated this date to show all her flaws, which is also possible.) But, she didn't present herself well, especially when Nick asked her what two non-generic words she would use to describe her ideal relationship. She went with: "love." and "trust."


Man, D-Lo, that was a tough moment. So, yeah. Nick's not feeling it with Danielle, even though he WANTS to feel it.  (That's what she said). So, guess what? She goes home, too.

Nick immediately goes to the hotel room bawling, and you can just see on Corrine's face that she's thinking, "Whoa, he's like taking this really seriously...."

Nick cries about how he doesn't know if this will work for him and then just leaves. WTF? Is he sending himself home?

So now we're left with six girls: Corrine, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle M, Rachel and Kristina. I'm at a complete loss. I don't really see much of a connection with any of these girls outside of a superficial, Bachelor-induced connection. I think Rachel and Vanessa are the best of the bunch, but honestly don't see him having a lasting relationship with either one.

But, next week, Corrine seems to offer up her platinum-vagine, so there's that.

Ugh, I'm bored. Nick's "story" is boring. He is a sexy asshole. He can't hold a conversation. He can't fake that he is into anyone. Corrine is clearly the thread holding this season together. This episode was light on Corrine, and I realized that the producers are clearly bringing that storyline so much attention because there is nothing else happening. Not even a romantic connection to focus on. The girls don't seem into him. I'm sick of the low-budget travels. The list goes on. Am I alone?!

My new top 4:

4. Corrine
3. Kristina
2. Rachel
1. Vanessa

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Whipped Cream & Lies: 37 Thoughts on The Bachelor

Dear ABC,

All I want is for an episode of The Bachelor to end with a rose ceremony. Just ONE episode. Please?All of this TO BE CONTINUED is really screwing my emotional intelligence.

In the words of Corrine, "#SorryNotSorry" but this episode was stupid as fuck. It just was. I have so many things to say, I'm not quite sure where to start. I made a list, and it shall qualify as my recap:

  1. Corrine and Taylor at the beginning. So, just so we all remember, Corrine started that conversation, didn't respond to Taylor as she repeated "Emotional Intelligence" over and over again, so that Taylor actually DID sound like the condescending biatch that Corrine accusing her of being. WHAT JUST HAPPENED? Next thing I knew, Corrine was in Nick's arm, accusing TAYLOR of being a bully. What just happened?
  2. Taylor's fate has been sealed, because now that Corrine as put the "bully" idea in Nick's head, no matter what she says to defend herself or what she says about Corrine...she seems like a bully. Well played, Corrine. 
  3. Corinne is drunk AF at all times, right?
  4. How fucking cold is it in Wisconsin right now?
  5. WHO IS WHITNEY?! Someone may or may not have given me a spoiler that she makes it to hometowns, and I literally have no clue who she is?!
  6. Why is Josephine still here? She always seems as surprised as we are. 
  7. Bye bye, Sarah and Astrid. Hello, NOLA!
  8. I love Rachel, and not just because we have the same name.
  9. I could have done without Nick making love to the beignet. 
  10. I could have also done without the beignet puns.
  11. Rachel is way too good for Nick.
  12. So, I guess Rachel is getting a hometown date? She gets the rose.
  13. Group date card arrives : everyone except Taylor and Corrine are going. #DUH
  14. Are we really going to have a group date on a plantation and not mention slavery??? #thatsfuckedup
  15. Then they make it seem like Jasmine is the one provoking the little white girl ghost? #thatsfuckeduptoo
  16. This date sucks, I'm bored.
  17. Why do the girls think that this little 8-year-old ghost gives a fuck about who is going to get the group date ghost?
  18. I don't appreciate the Beauty & the Beast and Quantico propaganda. Each of these have their own platform and The Bachelor is not it. STAY OFF MY MINDLESS CRAP TV!
  20. There are so many cool things The Bachelor could have done
  21. Back at the house, Corrine and Taylor have a quick therapy session with Rachel, who clearly doesn't give AF. Why would she? She's got 7 years on these baby dolls, and she's got a hometown date.
  22. What is this with Corrine's room service order? The last supper?
  23. This two-on-one is the epitome of Nick taking two swamp monsters back to their natural habitat.
  24. Was that a human spine?
  25. Baffled again. Swamps, tarot cards and "voodoo"? Really, Bachelor?
  26. First of all, tarot and voodoo are not related.
  27. Second of all, some people, like me, actually believe in and find value in such things as spirits and tarot. This whole episode trivializes things that should not be trivialized.
  28. Bad move on Taylor's part to let Corinne get the first alone time with Nick.
  29. Did you guys know Taylor's a water sign? #whocares
  30. Corrine swatting the bugs is everything.
  31. Nick thinks with his dick.
  32. Nick immediately asks Taylor about said bullying. Now, anything bad Taylor says about Corrine supports the bully theory. SEE? That bitch is good.
  33. Bye, Taylor.
  34. Why?
  35. I was waiting for Taylor to trip in the woods on her way to get purified, or whatever that was, and then a cut to Corinne's voodoo doll. That was a MISS, ABC.
  36. Taylor should have just gone home.
  37. To be con-fucking-tinued. AGAIN.

Top 4: I'm starting to get confused. I have no idea at this point:

4. Corinne
3. Rachel
2. Danielle L.
1. Vanessa

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Taco Spas & Poopy Flaws

Hey, Bachelor, can we be done with the annoying "cliffhangers" that don't actually end in anything exciting happening ? K thanks bye!

We start this week with Vanessa confronting Nick about if he wants a fuck buddy or a wife (valid), the girls threatening to go home if Corinne stays, and...Corrine is napping.

Nick responds to Vanessa's bad-assness by pulling a classic Bachelor move and assuring Vanessa he respects her concerns because he's been in her position. other words, "Let's talk about great you are, and continue to avoid talking about how I'm a man whore."

Sarah and Taylor wake Corrine up from her cheesy pasta dreams to tell her that Bouncy House Gate 2016 makes her come off as "entitled." Which, of course, Corrine—a gorgeous, rich, white, blonde 24-year old with a nanny—insists she is not. Maybe I'm feeling a little sensitive from all craziness flying around the Internet about #notmymarch or what have you. But Corinne, girl...YOU'RE the definition of ENTITLED.

Rose ceremony time, and roses go to Raven, Taylor, Whitney (???), Kristina, Jasmine, Alexis, Astrid (????), Danielle M., Jaimi (????), Josphine (????), Sarah (???) and … Corinne. Of course, Corrine gets the "punishment" rose. You know the one...the one that is supposed to warn the girl that she's skating on thin ice, and that makes all the other girls with roses seethe and makes the ones who didn't get roses cry, because...if Nick could like HER more than ME, than I don't know what he's looking for! And of course, none of the girls who threatened to leave, do.

The next morning, Chris tells the girls that the time has come...they're finally going to travel the world with Nick! Their first worldly adventure? MILWAUKEE. wamp wamp. I love seeing the girls' reactions when they get stuck with a low-budget destination. I wonder how many takes they had to do before the girls actually seemed excited? (I can say these things. I was born in Wisconsin.)

Nick meets up with his parents, who basically tell him that this better be the last fucking time they have to show up on national TV to humiliate their family and exploit their 11-year-old daughter while he gets laid and plays Prince Charming.

Nick welcomes the ladies to his hometown and whisks Danielle L. away for a one-on-one. Said date basically consisted of Nick walking her around town showing her all the places he's made out with people before they totally casually ran into one of his exes! (Who just happened to be sitting in the window and happened to be wearing a microphone.)  She tells Danielle to be careful because if Nick doesn't feel it, he's out. At first I was like, why would Danielle listen to someone who only dated Nick for 3 months? Then I realized that if Danielle ends up with a ring on her finger at the end, she will have "dated" him less time than that, so...there's that.

Night portion of the date is depressing while Nick and Danielle talk about divorce and her hesitation of getting married. (Not sure that's the right card to play on a dating show that ideally ends in engagement?)

Also...who is Chris Lang (Lane?), and why was he on Nick's bucket list? Also, kudos to poor Danielle, who had to endure "the time of her life" awkwardly dancing in front of a crowd not once, but TWICE? She probably got a rose for that, alone. I'm almost willing to guarantee that she's in the final two, despite how much this date sucked.

Next is a group date where everyone except Danielle L and Raven go to a dairy farm, and it was quite literally a shit show. They feed some baby cows, shovel some "poopy" and milk some mama cows. Watching Nick handle that cow's teets was, like Jaimi said...pretty disappointing. Jaimi seemed to know her way around the nipple though, and I think that was ABC's attempt at a bisexual joke?

In any case, everyone partakes in these activities, except of course...Corrine. She had a "hand situation," which we later learn is a V SERIOUS issue and she almost had to go to the hospital for it. Wait what? Is this a condition we haven't heard about or is this typical Corrine who really just doesn't want to get cow shit on her designer shoes? I mean she wouldn't even make Raquel do farm chores. She'll make her literally do all other chores, but NOT farm chores.

Corrine lives in a warped version of reality. Farm chores are not the same as regular chores. Cheesy pasta is not the same as mac 'n cheese. Choreography is not the same as planned dancing.

So, let's pause and talk about Corrine as a "villain." Is she dumb? Yes. Entitled? Yes. Lacks self-awareness? 110%. Thinks she needs to exploit her sexuality to get a man? Clearly. But...what has she done, really, other than pass out cuz she's drunk all the time, act out producer-led stunts, not really give a shit and steal Nick multiple times in an evening?

Don't get me wrong - I don't LIKE Corrine, but we can't disagree that this season would be BORING if she wasn't here. We also can't deny that for some reason...Nick likes her.

And later, in the evening part of the date, Corrine tries to "confront" the girls and tells them if they have a problem, to bring it to her directly, and apologizes for taking naps in the most #sorrynotsorry way. The girls question how badly she really wants Nick given that she wouldn't LITERALLY shovel shit for him. Corrine immeds starts using her "serious hand situation" as an excuse for her lack of participation. Stop trying to give Nick so many handys, Corrine, and you might be able to shovel some more poopy.

And not to seem like I'm taking Corrine's side, but the girls' arguments of "We're worried you're not mature enough to marry a 36-year-old man" are NOT an argument! Especially coming from another 24-year-old. Like, why do you care? Same with her napping.  If anything, that works in favor of the other girls. I'm just saying, if Corrine asked me what my problem was with her, I'd bring up the stealing time, the bouncy house, the whip cream, or the fact that she's hammered all the time...actual rose-world problems.

This is also a good time to talk about all of the Corrine-isms this episode...
"Oh my god. Sorry guys, I napped. Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. I took a nap." 
"I don't want to be on this group date. I want to be in a spa, being fed a nice taco. Preferably... chicken."
"I respect you for shoveling the poopy. I do. I really, really do. It takes a lot of courage, and a really blind sense of smell, to shovel that poopy. But I had a really serious hand situation, and I just couldn't shovel that poop."
"I'm a corn husk; you gotta pull all the layers back. And in the middle is this luxury, yellow corn. With all these pellets of information. And it's juicy, and buttery. You want to get to that corn."
"Taylor is like fake and nasty. So tonight I'm going to go punch her in the face."
Raven got the one-on-one date, and got to spend the day with Nick's family. Interesting choice to have Raven meet the parents. She hasn't been a standout to me at this point, but after this date, I enjoyed her. Her story about her cheating boyfriend? Amazing. But, it was super awkward when Nick's dad wouldn't stop staring at her and she wouldn't make eye contact.

Also super awkward, aside from the whole roller skating thing? How when Raven was talking about her ex situation, Nick kept grinning and looking off to the side and asking things like, "and then what?" It felt so off to me, like he was looking at a producer who was nodding in the background or something. Raven didn't notice...she got the rose.

Time for another cocktail party and another cliffhanger. This time, everyone gets mad at Danielle L for stealing Nick right away because she already has a rose. And by everyone, I mean Taylor.

So, I thought I liked Taylor. But after her choice in attire when having a 1-1 chat with Danielle M in the bathtub (why are you wearing a bikini soaking your feet in a bathtub?), my doubts started creeping in.

After stuffing her face with pigs in a blanket and champagne, Corrine decides tonight is the night she's going tell Taylor what she really thinks of her - which is that she's a "fake ass bitch." Who says that anymore? Taylor decides to psychoanalyzes Corrine instead of telling her all the real reasons she really sucks, and I have to say, I might be on Corinne's side in all of this. I think we'll find out next week when Taylor and Corrine go on a two-on-one date. I mean, they have to, right? We'll find out next week because Taylor literally. can't. even.

My top four remains:

4. Rachel
3. Corrine
2. Vanessa
1. Danielle L.

PS - we need more of Alexis than these clips at the end!
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