The Nanny Diaries

Well, if it wasn't clear before, it's clear now: Corinne is this season's MVP. Clearly, she's the villain this season (especially now that Liz is gone), and for good reason. One minute she's a cunning, horny, manipulative, assertive vixen and the next she's an overgrown woman-child who can't survive without nap time and her nanny.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

We left off last week with Nick having confirmed with the ladies that he's a man whore and an annoying To Be Continued... The consensus? No one cared. Cool cliffhanger.

Cocktail hour commences and Corrine attempts to reenact Varsity Blues. When flashing Nick her nipple and allowing him to lick Reddi Whip off her tits doesn't result in on-camera fornication as planned, Corrine runs upstairs crying, decides it's all too much, and literally goes to bed while the rest of the ladies act like they give a fuck.

Rose Ceremony time (carried over from last week). Nobody worth mentioning goes home.

Next morning, a group date card arrives—and so do The Backstreet Boys. I was a little taken aback by the girls' reaction to these guys. I mean, sure, it's The Backstreet Boys, but consider this: 1) One of these guys was born in effing 1971, which means is he 46 years old. That's old enough to be some of these girls' dad. In addition, some of these girls were literally born when The Backstreet Boys were just getting started. In any case, "Backstreet's back" and this time, the ladies and Nick will be joining them for a performance THAT NIGHT.

Corrine isn't good at "planned dancing"... (wait, isn't there a word for that? Like choreography?) and again starts crying because this means her future marriage to Nick is down the drain. As is Jasmine's career as a professional dancer, given that she doesn't win the date. Instead, Backstreet chooses Danielle L., a nail salon owner, as the official "winner" of the performance. She "wins" a slow dance, junior high style, in front of everyone to "I Want It That Way." Kill me.

Night portion of the date can be summarized as follows: Corrine makes sure to "Make Corrine Great Again," takes another nap in some random room, then shares that she misses Raquel. Her nanny.

That's right. This 24-year-old grown ass woman has a nanny. Does she have kids? Nope. What she does have is millions of dollars to burn, and someone whose "happiness" is defined as cutting vegetables and making cheese pasta and lemon salad for a fucking 24 year old. And who is she to deny this woman's happiness?

Jasmine's mind is blown and #imwithher.

Because what exactly IS cheese pasta? Is it like...macaroni and cheese? Is it literally pasta with cheese on top? Is it noodles with some butter and parmesan? What the hell is lemon salad? (Literally, Google 'lemon salad'. ZERO hits.)

Corrine is definitely going to be around for awhile. For sure until the top four, if you ask me. I totally get the girls' disdain for her and wondering what Nick sees in her as she compares to others, but there's just no way we won't get to meet her millionaire family or see Raquel in the flesh. She's not going to win. *Then again, we said that about Donald Trump and look where we fucking are now.* (Note: this is the second Trump likeness.)

Danielle L. gets the rose.

Vanessa gets the one-on-one this week and she and Nick went on a "vomit comet" date. In case you don't know what that means, they went in one of those zero-gravity planes. Poor Vanessa actually vomits, multiple times. I couldn't figure out why they kept flying around and pausing to puke, instead of just letting the poor girl get out? Sadly, I don't have much shit to talk about this date. I found Nick to be endearing while she was puking her brains it, albeit how disgusting it was to see them making out post-hurl with the added commentary of "still tastes fine." Vanessa is over the age of 25, seems normal and nice, and quite honestly, I don't know what she's doing here, but I like her, and so does Nick. But...what was he crying about?

The next group focuses on a track-and-field competition because when you dance with the Backstreet Boys, you have to balance that shit out with some manliness (or something). The only things I remember are as follows: 

1) Astrid's boobs were out of control. 
2) How fucking gross are you to get in a hot tub WITH your workout clothes AND a hot guy, 
3) Why does Dominique think that hating on Nick for not being a mindreader would be a good move? Bye... and
4) I wish I could walk over and pull Alexis' head up from where it always sits, which is nestled deep within her should blades. Chick has TERRIBLE posture. Also, stop trying to make "bitches" happen. Jesse Pinkman cornered that market.

At the POOL PARTY (instead of cocktail party), Corrine is back with a "sneaky surprise" for Nick. Although, is there anything LESS sneaky or surprising than a huge pink and purple bouncy house in the front lawn?! For the second time today, she tries to fornicate with Nick, this time while the girls look on. Nick claims the reason he likes it is because it's "fun" and you need to have "fun" when you settle down with someone for life. Last time I checked, dry humping is not fun.

After Nick jizzes in his swimsuit and Corrine goes upstairs for yet another snooze. (Sidenote: are her naps really naps? Or is she passing out? She's been hammered pretty much every night so far.) The girls all question Nick and his intention's with Corrine. We all know how well it usually goes when girls talk about other girls, but I, for one, loved it when Vanessa turned the tables on Nick, and said she didn't care about Corrine, she cared about Nick. AND that if he was looking for someone to fuck around with, he could take his rose back. DAMN. I knew I liked this girl!

Another "cliffhanger" this week, but here's where I'm at with my current rankings:

Top 4:
4 Rachel/Taylor
3. Corrine
2. Vanessa
1. Danielle L.

What were your thoughts/reactions?
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Janet Jackson Revival + Tales from Jade + Tanner's Wedding

It's a new year, which can only mean one thing—more blogs from me. And not just any blogs—Bachelor blogs! I have no idea why everyone loves my Bachelor recaps so much, but it makes me feel wanted, so I'm rollin' with it.

Let me start with my thoughts about Nick Viall as The Bachelor. I, like the rest of America (and the man himself), was ready to see Luke as The Bachelor. But now that Nick is here, I have to say...I don't hate it. He's managed to not only make himself much more physically attractive over the years, but he kind of redeemed himself for me on Bachelor in Paradise. That said, I feel like this particular relationship has was too much pressure on it to succeed, but who knows.

We're in Week 2, after meeting the ladies last week. At first, I felt like the group was mediocre, but then we got to meet Corrine. And Liz. And a dolphin shark. And a chick with balls. And That's So Raven. And Taylor, the mental health counselor hired by ABC to pose as a contestant.

And then I realized that I was wrong. So wrong. This is the most powerful group of ladies we've seen (we know Nick likes a strong woman), which is a recipe for disaster, which is a recipe for amazing TV.

Week 2 opens with the girls drinking mimosas in their rompers, talking about how hot Nick is, when Chris Harrison waltzes in for one of his 10 appearances all season to advise the girls to "make the most of their time with Nick" (aka be a super catty bitch and take no prisoners), and deliver the first date card. The first group date is Corinne, Haley, the dolphin-shark, Sarah, Vanessa, Brittany, Lacey, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor, and Elizabeth. We're still at the point where I usually don't really know one of these bitches from the next, but this group is the power pack. In other words, the winner and probably top 3 are all in this group, so I had high hopes for this date.

I was not disappointed.

The girls find 4 sober girls to drive everyone to their "Always a Bridesmaid" date, which provokes several of the girls to admit that they've never been a bridesmaid before. Well, you're 23, so not only should you not have yet been a bridesmaid, you should absolutely NOT be a bride.

A v classy/weird porn star/photographer star named Franco someone handed out different dresses to the girls with the direction that they would take wedding photos with Nick...80s bride...shotgun bride...beach bride, etc. The "winner" would be chosen by Franco. Prize TBD.

Corrine is upset that she has to wear only a bikini top instead of just being allowed to wear a leaf, like Brittany, while Alexis is shocked to learn that a shotgun wedding does not mean posing sexy with guns.

Corrine is comin' in hot as America's Top Villain, I can tell you that. I can't tell yet if I love her, or I hate her. I mean, obvi we hate her because she's a bit too aggressive, while also being beautiful and a millionaire...but we also have to love her because A) she's hammered 24/7 B) she's so drama and makes great TV.  I think Nick is into her not because she's hot and begs him to hold her "bare bosom," but because she's like him. She doesn't give AF about anyone except herself and the end game. Again, great for us—not so much if you're a girl on this season.

I digress. The girls all take their photos with Nick, including, but not limited to Nick pretending to deliver Alexis' baby and seeing Nick's leaf-colored penis. And yes, Corrine not standing for the fact that Brittany looks hot in just a leaf, and taking off her top and insisting Nick "pull a Janet Jackson."

“No one has ever held my boobs the way Nick has held my boobs.” {crickets}

Franco Porn Star says Corinne wins the date (criteria for winning unknown), and from what I can tell the only prize is riding off in a car? Hmmm. Everyone meets back up for the "Ooh, can I steal you?" time, and this is where things get good. 

First of all, can one of these times someone just say, "NO! You can't 'steal' him and you can't fucking 'borrow' him either!" Seriously. The girls are ticked because Corinne talks to Nick at a minimum, three times. Like I said, she doesn't give AF, but as expected, the other girls are PISSED. Mostly Taylor, our undercover mental health expert. After some nonsense conversation between those two about if everyone is OK (alert: they're both OK), Corrine gets the rose and the girls all wonder if Nick actually is as big of an asshole as the world thinks he is.

Back at the house, while Corrine recounts Nick touching her bare breasts, Liz is creepily cutting fruit while some chick is sleeping/passed out behind her, talking something about how she's had sex with Nick. Wait, Liz has had sex with Nick? At Jade and Tanner's wedding? How did I miss that? JUST KIDDING YOU'VE ONLY MENTIONED BOTH ABOUT 12,398,734 TIMES. 

I do feel KINDA bad for Liz because I have to imagine that the edit she's getting is purposefully ONLY showing her talking about fucking Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. But only KINDA cuz I think I'm on Nick's side in that if she was interested in him, there were other ways to show him that than coming on a TV show. #justsayin

OK, so Danielle M. (who?) gets the first one-on-one, which honestly was pretty boring? Aside from her story about waking about next to her dead fiance, which sounds like pretty much the worst fucking thing that could ever happen to someone, there was nothing notable here. I think she'll probably go far-ish but not to the top 4. We may see her (and Liz and Corrine and Alexis) in Paradise, though!

Group date #2 is with the B team, Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina and Liz. Their date is going to a museum of broken relationships (yes, that's a real place), where they have to act out a breakup in front of a group of people. Kill me now.

The girls breakup reasons range from "you're an alcoholic" to "you called me fat" to a slap in the face to the best breakup ever...a 3-minute dialog from Liz, where she tells the whole group what happened and I've never seen Nick more furious. Honestly awkward?

Post-date cocktail hour and again...boring. Until Christen throws Liz under the bus and lets Nick know that she knows that Liz knows that she and Nick fucked. Nick asks for the details, because you know, he was blacked out and doesn't remember. When he asks Liz about the whole thing, she basically shot herself in the foot and couldn't give any good reason why she chose to come on national TV to get Nick when she could've just asked her bestie Jade for Nick's number. You got a point there, Nick. Nick send Liz home.

that about does it, kids. I'm feeling good about this season. I think the girls are feisty, strong and cutthroat so hopefully the show delivers.

My guesses right now:

1. Corinne
2. Danielle L.
3. Rachel
4. Taylor
5. Vanessa

I think Danielle L. is amazing and has a good shot at winning the thing.

Thoughts? Reactions? Happy watching!
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Now What?

Yesterday, November 8, 2016, was the presidential election to find our 45th President of the United States of America. The candidates were Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton, and Donald Trump, who is best (and most kindly) described as a reality star and businessman.
Yesterday, I voted for Hillary Clinton, the first female presidential candidate. As I cast my ballot, I believed in my heart that in a few hours, the world would witness history, as the first female was elected to our highest office in the United States.
The world witnessed history, but it was not the story America wanted to write. Donald Trump is now our president elect.
Jeremy Nix, a fellow Huffington Post blogger, wrote,“Differences of political ideals are one thing, I can agree to disagree on many matters across a wide array of topics, but racism isn’t one of them, neither is hate, neither is the belittling of women or the judgment of others based on their appearance or their disability, or their sexual preference.” 
You see, Mr. Trump promises to "Make America Great Again."
But, a "great America" is not one where a man with no government or military experience who has called for nuclear proliferation is the one running the show.
A "great America" is not one where basic civll rights are denied.
Where women, LGBTQ, immigrants, Muslims, or people of color are not seen as equal, and where their freedoms, which are the same as any other American, are threatened.
Where people are mocked for their physical disability.
Where bragging about committing sexual assault is OK.
Where entire religious groups are banned from entering the country.
Where people aren't offered a better opportunity for themselves because they come from a country where they are raped, assaulted and otherwise oppressed on a regular basis.
Where children are shown that it's OK to bully, berate and belittle those who do not look or act like them.
I don't know much, but I 100% know and believe that these things are not what will "make America great again."
I do believe that not everyone who voted for Trump did so because they believe the bigoted things he says and does. I have to believe this, as close friends and even family members, voted for him.
I know people want change. I don't agree that Trump is the change America needs, and to be honest, I don't know that Hillary was the answer, either. But what I do know is that America needs a leader to bring them together, not further drive us apart.
I don't write about politics. I barely speak about them. But I can't stay silent. I have never felt so empty inside, so disappointed, heartbroken and scared. I have never felt this way in a political election, and it's difficult to wrap my head around all of this.
What's done is done and no matter what I write, or where I write it, it is not going to change what happened last night.
This morning, my son woke up and after I dried fresh tears, I went in to get him up. "HI!" he yelled. I am so thankful for his innocence, but even more scared about what his future looks like.
The only thing I can feel good about right now is that I will continue to love everyone, and teach my children to do the same.
I will continue to be a responsible member of a civic society, to educate myself, and teach my children to do the same.
I will be a stronger, better advocate for the causes that are important to me, and I will teach my children to do the same.
I will remain steadfast in my belief that America IS great, do my part to keep it that way, and teach my children to do the same.
If anything, this election showed that America is more deeply divided than we thought. It feels as though we have hit rock bottom, and that means that the only place to go now, is up. Perhaps this break in our world and our spirit will show us that now, more than ever, we have to come together. We can choose to treat each other a little kinder, with more compassion, understanding, love, acceptance and empathy. Each of us can take actions, small or large ,to ensure that all human lives are valued and are treated with respect and dignity.

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