Breaking the Silence

In this moment, I'm sitting on my porch, and it's quiet. It's Tuesday night, the sun has set, a candle is burning, my tiki lights are on, and it's quiet. It's July, but it's a cool, perfect, 69 degrees outside. I'm wearing a cozy sweatshirt, my cozy slippers, and drinking a glass of wine. It's quiet.

My oldest loves are downstairs or in bed. My littlest love has been sleeping since our evening dance party ended two hours ago. The kitchen is cleaned up. Lunch prepped for tomorrow. Laundry still needs folding. Work emails to be answered. But here I sit. Just me. In the quiet.

Quiet, you see, is not something I come by easily. Even when the sounds around me are still, the noise in my head is louder than any child ever could be. Always thinking of the next to-do, setting mental reminders to call my parents, sisters and friends; to wish so-and-so a happy birthday, don't forget to text my R+F customer, and holy shit, can you just start working out already? It's exhausting, really.

I spoke today to a group of bright-eyed interns about what I do in my job, and how I got to this point in my career. I was asked to talk about my career path and my passions. Of course, I proclaimed that writing is my passion. I quickly moved on, on to my next point, but I must have lingered long enough because when it was time for Q&A, the first question asked was, "Do you miss writing?"

Of course, I said, but it's OK because I have a blog as a creative outlet...so even though I don't get to do as much writing at work as I wish I could, I'll always have that.

Next question: What's your blog, and what do you write about?

Pause. (Why are these kids so interested in my blog?!)

I tell them the name of my blog, talk about its evolution from shitty weird thing where I had nothing to talk about and how it's cringe-inducing to go back and read most of that stuff. Then I talked about how it's now a lifestyle/mommy long and bored them with why I found it important to talk about the 'real' side of parenting and pregnancy and marriage, for example. (What's that, 22 year olds? You don't care? Sorry, I'll move on.) To recover, I threw out that I also blog about the Bachelor and Bachelorette, and that got a reaction. Back in their good graces.

As I was driving home, I got to thinking about how much I felt like a...phony, maybe? Why did I even mention my blog, I thought? It's not like I'm updating it! I'm not even blogging about the Bachelorette (even though it's the best season, ever!! Where my Tyler C. fans at?) I felt stupid for mentioning it, thinking about any one of them googling, "Raves and Revelations," and coming here to see that my last publish date was...

February 2018?!?! But...that's A YEAR AND A HALF AGO. Like...what? I mean, life has been busy but no one, certainly not me, is THAT BUSY.

So here I sit. I have a million other things I think I should be doing, but I couldn't resist the quiet, or my pineapple lights, the cool air, or the feeling that I want to sit down and write. Something I haven't felt in a long time.

Honestly, I think what's happened is that, as I often do, I put too much pressure on myself. Nothing new, either...typical feelings, like fear to write openly about how I feel about x, y or z; is this blog worthy? or will anyone care? Things like that.

But here's the good news: In the past 1.5 years since I've written a word that I feel "worthy" of publishing, I've hitched a ride to the self-development train. I've learned a lot about fears and feeling inadequate and holding yourself back, and why that is no way to live your life (thank you, Rachel Hollis).

So, I hope this is the first post of many more to come, on a much more regular basis, and without so much worry and thought devoted to if whatever I want to talk about is right or wrong, or if anyone gives a shit, or if there is a typo.

But if its not, and these are the last words I write for another 1.5 years, know that tonight, I came here and during the mere 30 minutes it took me to write down these thoughts, I was surrounded by things I love, like candles, lights, wine, sweatshirts, summer nights and motivation. It was quiet.

And I broke the silence.

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