Bachelor Recap: That Was Glitter

Hi, all. I wish I could say posting my Bachelor recaps like a week late (or not at all) will not be a regular occurrence, but who the hell knows at this point.

The past few weeks have been particularly hellacious, as we have been riddled with illness after illness (flu, stomach flu, respiratory infections, etc). Our nanny was been sick, so I was on deck caring for two sick boys instead of one. Then Bryan went on a couple of work trips at the exact same time I returned to work last week. Suffice to say, not as much time on my hands as I've had the previous weeks, and the moments of solitude I DO have in the evening have been spent chugging enjoying a glass or 3 of wine and then passing out going to sleep.

The past few weeks have been solid blogging material, but given my time constraints, I just have a few general comments. First, I'm bored with Ari. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt in that I think he probably isn't made for TV vs being a bad person. He's just so dull. All he talks about is the slow life he leads/wants to lead/wearing cardigans like an old man. It's just weird.

The Bekah/age storyline is lame, too. Totally agree that 22 is way too young for Ari's 36, but he has 23 year olds there and hasn't made a big deal to them. AND Bekah is way more more mature than ANY of the ladies on this season. I think she's going to make it far, but I don't see that being long-term.

Krystal has revealed herself to be the most annoying person in Bachelor history, both in sound and character.

On to tonight, where the girls and Arie jet off to beautiful Ft. Lauderdale, which is a "beautiful place to fall in love" because of the beaches, yachts, and great restaurants. Huh? Why not just go to Miami? Clearly they spent too much money on Becca's Louboutin's the first episode.

Chelsea's date
Chelsea gets the first one-on-one date and she's excited to show Arie the "real" Chelsea, not just "Mom Chelsea." Considering that he's never actually seen "Mom Chelsea," I found this to be a weird statement. Like, "Mom Rachel" is when, I don't know, at least one of my kids is around and I'm actually doing Mom things, not making out on yachts and in car museums, or hanging with my gals poolside all day.

Remember when we thought Chelsea was the villain? LOLZ. Chelsea has grown on me since the first episode, but I can't tell if I really like her. I will say I have more respect for her than the other girls (because #momlife), but I don't see her and Arie ending up together.

Perhaps the most awkward moment of the date—other than the Titantic reanactment and going to second base on the Jet Ski—was during the dinner portion when they had this exchange:

Arie: Today was fun. The jet skiing, you were really impressive.
Chelsea: Really?
Arie: I had so much fun. I needed that.
Chelsea: Today was a lot of fun.
Arie: It was fun.
Chelsea: A lot of fun.

{embarrassed emoji}
Chelsea gets a rose. You know, for fun.

The Group Date. To a bowling alley.
And not like, Lucky Strike. Like, real bowling. With cheap beer, old, lonely women, and dirty bowling of which Arie licked. I'm legitimately disturbed by this act. Doesn't he know it's flu season?

As the token "competitive date" where the winner get more time with Arie and the losers go home, the girls were ready to bowl their hearts out. Everyone got super into it, and Team Blue (the blondes) wins. But, Arie decides that instead of having anyone go home, "everyone wins" and no one is going home tonight. Side note: Does anyone wonder if he decided to have everyone stay because the girls he likes most were in the losing group?? 

Arie's change of heart is NOT OK with Krystal. He is a LIAR (as is anyone who changes their mind). How can she trust him now? She feels personally victimized that Arie would not talk to her first about his decision to want to change his mind. In some unfilmed footage, Krystal apparently talks shit the whole way home about Arie, and once back at the hotel, she demands to be un-miked (she means BUSINESS!), is not going to the cocktail party and has her bags packed. She will not be lied to and disrespected this way.

The ladies tell Arie about Krystal's behavior, and decides it's best to give her exactly what she wants, and go talk to her. I don't think the talk went as Krystal hoped. Clad in her bathrobe and pouty lips, Arie is basically said it was concerning that she get so upset about such a small thing, tells her to stay in her room and he's not happy with her. GO BOI. The rest of the date, the girls do a FANTASTIC job doing Krystal impressions, and having insignificant convos with Arie.

Kendall tells him The Bachelor process is "slower" than she's used to. (Hmmm). She asks him questions out of her book of 100 questions for such an occasion, which reveals that Arie would not eat human flesh unless it was a life or death situation, but Kendall is all in no matter what.

These 100 questions make Lauren B's game of 21 questions seem like small potatoes. Not only in the number of questions to ask, but also in that her question was, "What's your favorite color?" Not as telling as asking about eating humans.

I like Bekah. I know her age is an "issue" but let's be honest: At 22, she is way more mature than any of the other girls, and she and Arie actually seem to have chemistry. I think she's too good for him and that they won't end up together, but I do like her.

Also, honest question: What's worse: Krystal's voice or the fact that Arie would rather lick a bowling ball than kiss Annaliese?

Lauren B. gets the group date rose and no one knows why.

I know there is so much to be said about Krystal here but I just can't. She is the worst, from her voice to her glitter, and I hate her.

I love Tia and was so happy she got a 1-1. I feel like this date was a little bit of know, a country date for a country girl (puke) but Tia seemed to genuinely enjoy herself with the gators in the Everglades...the most romantic swamp on Earth.

Was anyone else in shock and awe that Tia went to college for 7 years and not as a super senior? She's a a doctor, ya'll. I did feel like we got to know more about her this week, and I'm still all in for Tia. Could have done without the old, "I've been waiting for you to push me against something," line. Oh and how could I forget that she is officially the first to drop the L bomb on Arie. I'm a little surprised it's taken someone 5 weeks. Tia gets a rose.

Rose Ceremony
Oh, boy. Too much with the rose ceremony to even get to it all. I mean, first and foremost...Krystal. It is so painful to listen to her and to see how much the other girls dislike her. Honestly, I think Krystal thinks she’s the Bachelorette. She doesn’t understand that she’s not the star of this show and yet...she’s not exactly wrong. She offers the remaining women the opportunity for some one-on-one time with her, and some of the women accept.

I especially loved the line, "I wasn't hiding in my room, I was investing in myself." {eyeroll emoji} And, in a desperate attempt to salvage some sense of something, Krystal admits that she was off in the bowling alley because...wait for brought back traumatic memories of her childhood, where she grew up in a bowling alley. Where is the montage, ABC?

Arie seems to really like Jacqueline, who I LITERALLY did not know was here until now. Also, thanks, ABC for showing a preview of Paris with Krystal before the end of the rose ceremony. RUDE!

Top 4 predictions
1. Bekah
2. Tia
3. Becca

What do you guys think?

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