Bachelor Recap: Stuck on the Seine

Goodbye Ft. Lauderdale, hello Paris!

Arie and the girls finally head to somewhere worth going this week as they head to the "City of Love." (Except I always thought it was the City of Lights?)

The girls arrive in Paris and Krystal is dressed like Sandy from Grease. (That coupled with her velvet top gave me serious pause this week.) They check out their accommodations—a hotel boat that literally looks like a dark, imposing war ship. At first, I thought said boat was maybe where they were going to have a happy hour or something, but when the ladies started flopping down on the beds, it became clear they would not be leaving.

All I know is, if I've never been to Paris and am told that my time here will not be spent on an adorable side street in a boutique hotel, an adorable flat or even a GRAND hotel on a river where I can smell pastries from my open window, but instead will be trapped in a fucking riverboat cruise/Parisian brothel on the Seine (not to be confused with Seinne) and that I can’t ACTUALLY see Paris...I'm out.

Chris tells the ladies this week will be different, as there will be TWO 1-1 dates, one group date and our first 2-1 date. Chris and Arie have a pep talk to discuss the upcoming week and Arie’s high hopes:

“I think it’s going to be such an amazing week and it’s been really amazing thus far.”

This week was a lot of things, but amazing, it was not. It started with Lauren B.’s 1-1.

Lauren’s date
Arie and Lauren go off to explore Pars and I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking that it.was.painful. Lauren, like Arie, is clearly not cut out for television. She seems nice, but is generally super quiet and reserved. Not that that’s bad, but as we all know for this show, it doesn’t work. The daytime portion of the day was basically them walking around in silence or talking about cheese wheels, with a random “wow,” here or there.  

At dinner, they had more riveting conversation. Like this one:

Arie: There's like so much beauty in a city like this.
Lauren: I know, it's amazing.
Arie: Yeah. It was so busy out today, too.
Lauren: Mmm hmm.
Arie: It's like, really busy. Almost like, insane.
Lauren: I know. That kind of freaked me out a little bit.
Arie: I know, I could tell a little bit. But I could see how you were a little overwhelmed because I was overwhelmed, too, you know? they literally mean people walking around in one of the biggest cities in the world was overwhelming, or...what am I missing?

Eventually they get a little more in depth as Arie shares some super personal details about a previous relationship that included a miscarriage. Lauren’s reaction was, like her reaction to all things, unreadable. In return, she reveals she had a broken engagement, trust issues and keeps guys in the friend zone for six months. All things you want to hear when looking for love in the timespan of 6 weeks, the exact amount of time needed to trust someone, get engaged and sleep together. Somehow, she gets a rose. It’s not that I don’t like Lauren, it’s just that she’s very dull. I haven’t seen her excited about ANYTHING, so it’s hard to believe her when she says she’s super into Arie.

And another thing—how weird was it for Arie to continually say he doesn’t know anything about Lauren, but that he is just so attracted to her and wants so much for there to be something? Feels like these two are trying way too hard to me, but what do I know?

The Group Date

Bekah, Seinne, Becca, Tia and Chelsea head to the Moulin Rouge for their date. They’re all way more enthusiastic than one should be about Moulin Rouge. Especially knowing that they’ll have to dress like a stripper with a headdress. If I was on this show, I would literally kill myself if I ended up the date that requires choreography, costume and performing in front of an audience. I would actually lose this date on purpose.

All of the girls look amazing in their beaded thongs (must be nice), but Arie chooses Bekah to perform with him later in the evening. He also makes it clear that he did not choose based on the date, but based on who he had a connection with.

So, what you’re saying is, the date was a waste of time and these girls paraded around in next to nothing just so you could get a better feel for who you’d want to see in the Fantasy Suite? Cool. Bekah M. gets the rose.

The 2-1
Krystal being picked for the 2-1 date surprised literally no one, least of Krystal, who claims she has been “preparing” for the 2-1, that she’s confident/not worried, etc. did you know you’d be on the 2-1? She also says she knew she’d be picked because she has a target on her back. She does know that the girls aren’t picking who goes on this date, right?

Krystal is even more of an asshole this week, starting first with the snarky way she told Kendall she’d be joining her on the date, and ending with her reaction when Kendall called her out on being a backstabbing krazy person.

The date starts with Krystal and Arie “making up” from their big fight. Perhaps the best quote was Krystal’s description of their love as having so much “texture, color and depth.” What? Krystal also tells Arie that she’s not sure Kendall is ready to get married. (this coming from a porn star). CLASSIC BACHELOR MISTAKE. Kendall and Arie go into the woods for a chat, where Arie tells on Krystal, and Kendall spends her time defending herself. Kendall is super quirky, but I actually really like her, and I *think* Arie does, too. Let’s get to the good part where Kendall calls Krystal out on her bullshit by speaking calmly, slowly and logically, all while inching closer and closer with each word:

Kendall: I’ve dated someone like you before. Where in the face of conflict, they have told me things that have hurt me. And um, I guess I learned that saying the thing that’s most hurtful doesn’t necessarily mean you win. It means you hurt somebody. {scootches closer}
Krystal: [silence] {steam starts pouring from ears}
Kendall: I can definitely empathize with you. {scootches closer}
Krystal: [silence] {eyes slit, steam starts pouring from nose, head looks like it’s going to explode}
Kendall: [silence] {scootches closer}
Krystal: I don’t really have words.

MIND.BLOWN. It was incredible.

Arie says he needs more time and he’ll see them both at dinner, where he takes Kendall away to chat and WE DON’T GET TO SEE IT! WHAT DID THEY TALK ABOUT? RELEASE THE FOOTAGE! Two minutes later, Krystal gets the news that SHE GONE. The editing got me for a minute, because I did actually think that Arie might do the opposite, but for once...he comes through.

Jacqueline’s 1-1
Who is Jacqueline, might you ask? Great question, given we literally saw her for the first time last week. I don’t know what to make of this girl. She’s clearly super intelligent, which, when we find these girls (her, Kendall, Seinne, Tia), always makes me think, WHY ARE YOU HERE? You’re destined to be more than an Instagram product hocker. Anyway, she and Arie attempt to ride off into the sunset, but the car dies, so instead they take a taxi to attempt another Pretty Woman-esque date (al la Becca K.) Arie later tells her that her hopes and dreams won’t be a problem. Gee, thanks. Jackie is as shocked as the rest of us when she receives a rose.

At the rose ceremony, Chelsea and Jenna go home. Who is Jenna again? We’re down to 6: Kendall, Bekah M., Becca K., Lauren B., Seinne and Tia. My top 4 predictions for hometowns:

  1. Becca
  2. Jacqueline
  3. Kendall
  4. Lauren

The only reason I took Bekah M. out of my top 4 is purely because of the ridiculous story about how she’s been reported as a missing person by her mother. I just feel like the timelines of the filming and her “disappearance” are funky and that her mom seems to be super cray, and I can’t see Arie having been a part of that, or not having heard about her yet on the show.

ALSO - what is up with the previews for next week AND the previews for the rest of the season? Apparently “everyone” is talking about the finale of this season and I guess they wanted to give a taste? It better be good, cuz the rest of this season hasn’t been.

Until next week in Tuscany...

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