Bachelor Recap: Stuck on the Seine

Goodbye Ft. Lauderdale, hello Paris!

Arie and the girls finally head to somewhere worth going this week as they head to the "City of Love." (Except I always thought it was the City of Lights?)

The girls arrive in Paris and Krystal is dressed like Sandy from Grease. (That coupled with her velvet top gave me serious pause this week.) They check out their accommodations—a hotel boat that literally looks like a dark, imposing war ship. At first, I thought said boat was maybe where they were going to have a happy hour or something, but when the ladies started flopping down on the beds, it became clear they would not be leaving.

All I know is, if I've never been to Paris and am told that my time here will not be spent on an adorable side street in a boutique hotel, an adorable flat or even a GRAND hotel on a river where I can smell pastries from my open window, but instead will be trapped in a fucking riverboat cruise/Parisian brothel on the Seine (not to be confused with Seinne) and that I can’t ACTUALLY see Paris...I'm out.

Chris tells the ladies this week will be different, as there will be TWO 1-1 dates, one group date and our first 2-1 date. Chris and Arie have a pep talk to discuss the upcoming week and Arie’s high hopes:

“I think it’s going to be such an amazing week and it’s been really amazing thus far.”

This week was a lot of things, but amazing, it was not. It started with Lauren B.’s 1-1.

Lauren’s date
Arie and Lauren go off to explore Pars and I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking that it.was.painful. Lauren, like Arie, is clearly not cut out for television. She seems nice, but is generally super quiet and reserved. Not that that’s bad, but as we all know for this show, it doesn’t work. The daytime portion of the day was basically them walking around in silence or talking about cheese wheels, with a random “wow,” here or there.  

At dinner, they had more riveting conversation. Like this one:

Arie: There's like so much beauty in a city like this.
Lauren: I know, it's amazing.
Arie: Yeah. It was so busy out today, too.
Lauren: Mmm hmm.
Arie: It's like, really busy. Almost like, insane.
Lauren: I know. That kind of freaked me out a little bit.
Arie: I know, I could tell a little bit. But I could see how you were a little overwhelmed because I was overwhelmed, too, you know? they literally mean people walking around in one of the biggest cities in the world was overwhelming, or...what am I missing?

Eventually they get a little more in depth as Arie shares some super personal details about a previous relationship that included a miscarriage. Lauren’s reaction was, like her reaction to all things, unreadable. In return, she reveals she had a broken engagement, trust issues and keeps guys in the friend zone for six months. All things you want to hear when looking for love in the timespan of 6 weeks, the exact amount of time needed to trust someone, get engaged and sleep together. Somehow, she gets a rose. It’s not that I don’t like Lauren, it’s just that she’s very dull. I haven’t seen her excited about ANYTHING, so it’s hard to believe her when she says she’s super into Arie.

And another thing—how weird was it for Arie to continually say he doesn’t know anything about Lauren, but that he is just so attracted to her and wants so much for there to be something? Feels like these two are trying way too hard to me, but what do I know?

The Group Date

Bekah, Seinne, Becca, Tia and Chelsea head to the Moulin Rouge for their date. They’re all way more enthusiastic than one should be about Moulin Rouge. Especially knowing that they’ll have to dress like a stripper with a headdress. If I was on this show, I would literally kill myself if I ended up the date that requires choreography, costume and performing in front of an audience. I would actually lose this date on purpose.

All of the girls look amazing in their beaded thongs (must be nice), but Arie chooses Bekah to perform with him later in the evening. He also makes it clear that he did not choose based on the date, but based on who he had a connection with.

So, what you’re saying is, the date was a waste of time and these girls paraded around in next to nothing just so you could get a better feel for who you’d want to see in the Fantasy Suite? Cool. Bekah M. gets the rose.

The 2-1
Krystal being picked for the 2-1 date surprised literally no one, least of Krystal, who claims she has been “preparing” for the 2-1, that she’s confident/not worried, etc. did you know you’d be on the 2-1? She also says she knew she’d be picked because she has a target on her back. She does know that the girls aren’t picking who goes on this date, right?

Krystal is even more of an asshole this week, starting first with the snarky way she told Kendall she’d be joining her on the date, and ending with her reaction when Kendall called her out on being a backstabbing krazy person.

The date starts with Krystal and Arie “making up” from their big fight. Perhaps the best quote was Krystal’s description of their love as having so much “texture, color and depth.” What? Krystal also tells Arie that she’s not sure Kendall is ready to get married. (this coming from a porn star). CLASSIC BACHELOR MISTAKE. Kendall and Arie go into the woods for a chat, where Arie tells on Krystal, and Kendall spends her time defending herself. Kendall is super quirky, but I actually really like her, and I *think* Arie does, too. Let’s get to the good part where Kendall calls Krystal out on her bullshit by speaking calmly, slowly and logically, all while inching closer and closer with each word:

Kendall: I’ve dated someone like you before. Where in the face of conflict, they have told me things that have hurt me. And um, I guess I learned that saying the thing that’s most hurtful doesn’t necessarily mean you win. It means you hurt somebody. {scootches closer}
Krystal: [silence] {steam starts pouring from ears}
Kendall: I can definitely empathize with you. {scootches closer}
Krystal: [silence] {eyes slit, steam starts pouring from nose, head looks like it’s going to explode}
Kendall: [silence] {scootches closer}
Krystal: I don’t really have words.

MIND.BLOWN. It was incredible.

Arie says he needs more time and he’ll see them both at dinner, where he takes Kendall away to chat and WE DON’T GET TO SEE IT! WHAT DID THEY TALK ABOUT? RELEASE THE FOOTAGE! Two minutes later, Krystal gets the news that SHE GONE. The editing got me for a minute, because I did actually think that Arie might do the opposite, but for once...he comes through.

Jacqueline’s 1-1
Who is Jacqueline, might you ask? Great question, given we literally saw her for the first time last week. I don’t know what to make of this girl. She’s clearly super intelligent, which, when we find these girls (her, Kendall, Seinne, Tia), always makes me think, WHY ARE YOU HERE? You’re destined to be more than an Instagram product hocker. Anyway, she and Arie attempt to ride off into the sunset, but the car dies, so instead they take a taxi to attempt another Pretty Woman-esque date (al la Becca K.) Arie later tells her that her hopes and dreams won’t be a problem. Gee, thanks. Jackie is as shocked as the rest of us when she receives a rose.

At the rose ceremony, Chelsea and Jenna go home. Who is Jenna again? We’re down to 6: Kendall, Bekah M., Becca K., Lauren B., Seinne and Tia. My top 4 predictions for hometowns:

  1. Becca
  2. Jacqueline
  3. Kendall
  4. Lauren

The only reason I took Bekah M. out of my top 4 is purely because of the ridiculous story about how she’s been reported as a missing person by her mother. I just feel like the timelines of the filming and her “disappearance” are funky and that her mom seems to be super cray, and I can’t see Arie having been a part of that, or not having heard about her yet on the show.

ALSO - what is up with the previews for next week AND the previews for the rest of the season? Apparently “everyone” is talking about the finale of this season and I guess they wanted to give a taste? It better be good, cuz the rest of this season hasn’t been.

Until next week in Tuscany...
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Connor: Months 1, 2, 3

I heard about second child syndrome before I had one (you know, where the second child doesn't get all the same love, attention and fanfare that the first child did?), but didn't believe it. I'm a second child after all, and haven't experienced such a thing!

It exists.

Case in point: My monthly updates, which I did religiously for Liam, both while in utero and out, have ceased to exist. #momfail.

But, my philosophy in life has always been better late than never, so here's some highlights of Connor over the past few months. In short: He's perfection.

Despite being born 4 weeks early, Connor has been a big boy since day one. He weighed 7lbs, 4 oz at birth and was 20 inches long. At one month, he weighed 9lbs, 8oz and was 21 inches long. At two months, he clocked in at 13.66 lbs and 23.25 inches long, and at 3 months, 14.69lbs and 24 inches long. He's a super chunk with cheeks for days, and I could eat him up!

Eyes & Hair
Still developing, but there is a good chance they'll be brown. For now, they are looking hazelish, and are big and beautiful! His left eye has had a blocked tear duct since birth that I'm hoping clears up soon!

His hair is brown and really starting to grow more and more. He wasn't born with as much hair as Liam, or as dark. After losing some hair, it's starting to fill in more! I'm worried about flat head!

  • His hands, especially his fist. He frequently shoves the whole thing into his mouth
  • Kicking, especially on his piano mat
  • Talking...he'll sit and coo forever. 
  • Jumping and standing on our legs, or any hard surface.
  • Bathtime
  • Eating
  • Snuggles...he is my snuggly boy
  • Butt pats
  • Sticking his tongue out 
  • Smiling and playing with his brother

Honestly, like Liam, Connor is super chill and there's not much he doesn't like. If I had so say anything, it's being overstimulated or overtired, and tummy time. Definitely doesn't like that.

Like a rockstar, praise the Lord! We recently moved Connor from sleeping in a rock 'n play next to our bed to sleeping in his crib in his own room. He sleeps 11-12 hours a night, usually going down between 7-8pm and waking up usually 6-7am. He takes 3 solid naps during the day, and sometimes has a little catnap in the early evening. As we approach 4 months, I'm DREADING the sleep regression and hoping it never comes! (knock on wood)

I'm still nursing and pumping exclusively, which is working great so far! He eats about every 3-4 hours still, 4-6oz when taking a bottle, and about 30 minutes when nursing. Chow hound!

  • Incredible head/neck and leg strength. He can hold his his head pretty steady, but still gets wobbly from time to time. We're still working on lifting his head up when he's on his belly, but he does a good job when he's on our chests and holding his head up.
  • He can "stand" on our legs for long periods of time. 
  • Grasping and gripping toys
  • Tracking with his eyes
  • Smiling and cooing
  • Sitting up with support (like a bumbo or sit me up, and sometimes a little pillow behind the head
  • Sleeping all night

Connor is such an easy baby. I love watching him grow and engage. He's the perfect addition to our family and I love him so much!

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Bachelor Recap: That Was Glitter

Hi, all. I wish I could say posting my Bachelor recaps like a week late (or not at all) will not be a regular occurrence, but who the hell knows at this point.

The past few weeks have been particularly hellacious, as we have been riddled with illness after illness (flu, stomach flu, respiratory infections, etc). Our nanny was been sick, so I was on deck caring for two sick boys instead of one. Then Bryan went on a couple of work trips at the exact same time I returned to work last week. Suffice to say, not as much time on my hands as I've had the previous weeks, and the moments of solitude I DO have in the evening have been spent chugging enjoying a glass or 3 of wine and then passing out going to sleep.

The past few weeks have been solid blogging material, but given my time constraints, I just have a few general comments. First, I'm bored with Ari. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt in that I think he probably isn't made for TV vs being a bad person. He's just so dull. All he talks about is the slow life he leads/wants to lead/wearing cardigans like an old man. It's just weird.

The Bekah/age storyline is lame, too. Totally agree that 22 is way too young for Ari's 36, but he has 23 year olds there and hasn't made a big deal to them. AND Bekah is way more more mature than ANY of the ladies on this season. I think she's going to make it far, but I don't see that being long-term.

Krystal has revealed herself to be the most annoying person in Bachelor history, both in sound and character.

On to tonight, where the girls and Arie jet off to beautiful Ft. Lauderdale, which is a "beautiful place to fall in love" because of the beaches, yachts, and great restaurants. Huh? Why not just go to Miami? Clearly they spent too much money on Becca's Louboutin's the first episode.

Chelsea's date
Chelsea gets the first one-on-one date and she's excited to show Arie the "real" Chelsea, not just "Mom Chelsea." Considering that he's never actually seen "Mom Chelsea," I found this to be a weird statement. Like, "Mom Rachel" is when, I don't know, at least one of my kids is around and I'm actually doing Mom things, not making out on yachts and in car museums, or hanging with my gals poolside all day.

Remember when we thought Chelsea was the villain? LOLZ. Chelsea has grown on me since the first episode, but I can't tell if I really like her. I will say I have more respect for her than the other girls (because #momlife), but I don't see her and Arie ending up together.

Perhaps the most awkward moment of the date—other than the Titantic reanactment and going to second base on the Jet Ski—was during the dinner portion when they had this exchange:

Arie: Today was fun. The jet skiing, you were really impressive.
Chelsea: Really?
Arie: I had so much fun. I needed that.
Chelsea: Today was a lot of fun.
Arie: It was fun.
Chelsea: A lot of fun.

{embarrassed emoji}
Chelsea gets a rose. You know, for fun.

The Group Date. To a bowling alley.
And not like, Lucky Strike. Like, real bowling. With cheap beer, old, lonely women, and dirty bowling of which Arie licked. I'm legitimately disturbed by this act. Doesn't he know it's flu season?

As the token "competitive date" where the winner get more time with Arie and the losers go home, the girls were ready to bowl their hearts out. Everyone got super into it, and Team Blue (the blondes) wins. But, Arie decides that instead of having anyone go home, "everyone wins" and no one is going home tonight. Side note: Does anyone wonder if he decided to have everyone stay because the girls he likes most were in the losing group?? 

Arie's change of heart is NOT OK with Krystal. He is a LIAR (as is anyone who changes their mind). How can she trust him now? She feels personally victimized that Arie would not talk to her first about his decision to want to change his mind. In some unfilmed footage, Krystal apparently talks shit the whole way home about Arie, and once back at the hotel, she demands to be un-miked (she means BUSINESS!), is not going to the cocktail party and has her bags packed. She will not be lied to and disrespected this way.

The ladies tell Arie about Krystal's behavior, and decides it's best to give her exactly what she wants, and go talk to her. I don't think the talk went as Krystal hoped. Clad in her bathrobe and pouty lips, Arie is basically said it was concerning that she get so upset about such a small thing, tells her to stay in her room and he's not happy with her. GO BOI. The rest of the date, the girls do a FANTASTIC job doing Krystal impressions, and having insignificant convos with Arie.

Kendall tells him The Bachelor process is "slower" than she's used to. (Hmmm). She asks him questions out of her book of 100 questions for such an occasion, which reveals that Arie would not eat human flesh unless it was a life or death situation, but Kendall is all in no matter what.

These 100 questions make Lauren B's game of 21 questions seem like small potatoes. Not only in the number of questions to ask, but also in that her question was, "What's your favorite color?" Not as telling as asking about eating humans.

I like Bekah. I know her age is an "issue" but let's be honest: At 22, she is way more mature than any of the other girls, and she and Arie actually seem to have chemistry. I think she's too good for him and that they won't end up together, but I do like her.

Also, honest question: What's worse: Krystal's voice or the fact that Arie would rather lick a bowling ball than kiss Annaliese?

Lauren B. gets the group date rose and no one knows why.

I know there is so much to be said about Krystal here but I just can't. She is the worst, from her voice to her glitter, and I hate her.

I love Tia and was so happy she got a 1-1. I feel like this date was a little bit of know, a country date for a country girl (puke) but Tia seemed to genuinely enjoy herself with the gators in the Everglades...the most romantic swamp on Earth.

Was anyone else in shock and awe that Tia went to college for 7 years and not as a super senior? She's a a doctor, ya'll. I did feel like we got to know more about her this week, and I'm still all in for Tia. Could have done without the old, "I've been waiting for you to push me against something," line. Oh and how could I forget that she is officially the first to drop the L bomb on Arie. I'm a little surprised it's taken someone 5 weeks. Tia gets a rose.

Rose Ceremony
Oh, boy. Too much with the rose ceremony to even get to it all. I mean, first and foremost...Krystal. It is so painful to listen to her and to see how much the other girls dislike her. Honestly, I think Krystal thinks she’s the Bachelorette. She doesn’t understand that she’s not the star of this show and yet...she’s not exactly wrong. She offers the remaining women the opportunity for some one-on-one time with her, and some of the women accept.

I especially loved the line, "I wasn't hiding in my room, I was investing in myself." {eyeroll emoji} And, in a desperate attempt to salvage some sense of something, Krystal admits that she was off in the bowling alley because...wait for brought back traumatic memories of her childhood, where she grew up in a bowling alley. Where is the montage, ABC?

Arie seems to really like Jacqueline, who I LITERALLY did not know was here until now. Also, thanks, ABC for showing a preview of Paris with Krystal before the end of the rose ceremony. RUDE!

Top 4 predictions
1. Bekah
2. Tia
3. Becca

What do you guys think?

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