Bachelor Recap: Weeks 1 & 2

Ahhh, it's good to be back! I can't tell you how flattered I am that every time a new season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette airs, people inundate with me "Are you blogging this season?" Who knew that people would connect so much to me making fun of innocent people who are just looking for love...

I missed blogging the first week, which is unfortunate, because the first episode always presents so many beautiful weirdos. This time, they're vying for the heart of this season's Bachelor, Arie. You might remember Arie as the runner-up to Emily Maynard. He's supposedly a "professional race car driver," but from my research, he has not raced since 2010. In the meantime, he's become a realtor to "center himself," but I had to guess, I'd say he needed to start making some cash.

At any rate, I don't mind Arie. I think it's kind of a random choice for Bachelor, but he seems nice enough, and I dig his blue eyes and salt 'n pepper hair. I do wonder though, how it's been 5-6 years since his last Bachelor appearance and the dude is still single.

Maybe it's because people call him the Kissing Bandit? Like...what does that even mean? How is one named the Kissing Bandit when he was on a show with 25 other dudes? Like, it would make sense if he earned that nickname after being The Bachelor and kissing so many what am I missing that he has that nickname? Either should be retired.

The girls for this season are so easy to make fun of a good bunch! I feel like they're a bit young for Arie, given he's 36. Literally, the 23year olds there were barely legal the last time he was on the show.

Girls intros ranged from showing up in a literal race car (casual) to asking Arie to sniff her pits to asking if he has a small wiener (also casual). At the cocktail party, unfortunately no one got hammered (that we saw), but we did see a few "villains" show up in the form of Chelsea and Krystal. There are like 15 Lauren's, so I feel like odds are good that he'll end up with one. We watched an uncomfortable toy car race with a girl named Brittane (worst spelling ever) and another girl, Bekah M., is apparently not a minor, but considering the fact they don't show her age (and you know, previews), I'm going to guess she is maybe 20. In any case, only one Lauren gets send home, plus a girl whose deceased father "approves" of Arie, and a few other nobodies.

On to week 2...

Becca K. gets the first one-on-one and while I literally don't feel like I've ever seen her before in my life, I actually really like her. Everyone is jealous, except Krystal. Her dad was once in a terrible motorcycle accident and she’s seen a lot of people die or lose body parts in motorcycle accidents.


It's a little early in the season to pull out the Pretty Woman date, but I mean, I guess I wouldn't complain about a new wardrobe courtesy of Rachel Zoe, Louboutin shoes and diamond earrings. I would, however, be real pissed that my final surprise of the night was fucking confetti. Are you fucking kidding me? Can't we at least get a nobody band promoting a single no one will download?She gets a rose, and accepts it, despite the confetti bullshit.

Krystal gets the next one-on-one. Krystal, in case you forgot, is a Libra. She gets to go to Arie's hometown on their first date and meet his family (a la Raven + Nick Viall), so much to everyone's dismay (mostly mine) I think we'll probably see her a lot this season. Krystal is annoying AF. She has the worst vocal fry I've ever heard. Her "story" is pathetic (divorced parents is not a story, and we are missing A LOT of pieces of the homeless brother puzzle. Like..what?). She is needy AF ("I missed you"..."...did you miss me?"). Arie doesn't share my sentiments and she gets a rose.

Group date time, and Arie asks pretty much every other woman on this date. His idea of getting to know these women is to have them participate in a demolition derby...aka bumper cars for grown-ups. Each woman got "decorate" her own bumper car and then try to kill each other (fun!). But not before Arie zipped around in his own derby car because in case anyone has forgotten...he is a race car driver!  In the words of Tia, "he did not hit anybody ... it was pretty hot, actually."

Arie was just looking for the girls to have fun, but that was not in the cards for Annaliese. She couldn't stop crying because she has experienced bumper car trauma.

(I'll wait.)

Are you done laughing? I can't even remember the story it was so fucking lame, but I do know that whichever producer that it would be appropriate to do like a 20/20 re-enactment for said trauma deserves an Emmy.

This is a real photo from The Bachelor
Annaliese survived, Brittane got a concussion and Seinne won that shit. I like her. Nothing really happens at the group "party" except everyone hates Chelsea for stealing Arie right away (again), Bibiana loses her shit for the first time (doesn't seem like it will be the last), and Bekah M. (the one who looks like the Kinko's girl that Ross kissed in Friends) and Arie make out. Seinne gets the rose.

Rose ceremony time! 
The girls who haven't had any time with Arie this week are freaking out, one of whom is named Bibiana. I like Bibiana. She's feisty and when asked if she minds if Arie gets "stolen" away, I think she might be the first girl to ever tell someone, YES I FUCKING MIND. The fact that she said it to Krystal, and then told Krystal off, the dropped the mic, was my favorite moment of the show. I can already feel these two ending up on a 2-1 date.

Krystal surprised me at the rose ceremony. Here we thought Chelsea was the villain and then here comes Krystal with the good hair, stealing time with Arie TWICE during the rose ceremony even though she has a rose. the horror!

Someone named Valerie, one of the Lauren's and Jenny from Chicago get sent home. Jenny had about the best exit ever, totally walking past Arie and then telling him she wasn't sad about him, she was just going to miss her friends. LOLOLOLOL. I think she's probably sad she didn't stick around long enough for an Instagram deal, either.

After two weeks, here are my top 4 predictions:

1. Becca K.
2. Tia
3. Krystal
4. Seinne

See you next week! (errr in a few days)


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