Cats Have 9 Lives—Bitches Have 2

Well, was this the worst episode of The Bachelor, or what.  No question mark, as this was not a question. I've never watched a more dark, confusing episode of this franchise. So many questions...let's get started.

The short story: Nick cleaned house last night and got rid of SIX contestants.

The medium story: Nick hates being The Bachelor. No one is having fun. This season is officially boring.

Now for the long story.

We start from last week's "cliffhanger" where Taylor swims up from the swamp to the exact location where Corinne and Nick are having dinner. Taylor wants Nick to "open his eyeballs"to Corinne's lies.

Much like Chad's "return" to the house after he was dumped, this confrontation fell short of any kind of excitement. Nick doesn't give AF what Taylor has to say, and basically tells Taylor, "I didn't dump you because you're a bully, I dumped you because I don't like you. Now GTFO." And Taylor does.

We resume the date with a drunk Corrine chugging champagne and talking to herself about how cats have nine lives and bitches have two (??????????). Unclear which Corinne is. She gets a rose.

Cocktail party time, and the producers tell Nick the girls are freaking out because they need time with him tonight and order him to cancel the cocktail party. Josephine, Jaimi and Alexis all go home. No one knows Josephine; Jaimi has no regrets (except for her lipstick tonight) and Alexis, we'll see you in Paradise, girl.

The group is headed to St. Thomas, where the Marriott is our new place that's perfect to fall in love, except everything that happens next is literally the most depressing shit I've seen on The Bachelor to date.

Kristina gets the first one-on-one date, much to Jasmine's dismay (foreshadowing). I haven't been really into Kristina this season, but she turned a corner with me this episode. Maybe it was her depressing AF childhood story about living in Russia, eating lipstick and getting kicked out of her family when she was five years old for eating so as not to starve...but it didn't feel like she was trying to use things as a ploy to get a rose. Which she did, of course. How could she not? Nick didn't know quite how to handle this revelation, and it feels like this disconnect may be an issue for them going forward. Time will tell.

Next up is a group date with Raven, Rachel, Danielle M, Jasmine, Vanessa and Corrine. (Leaving Whitney and Danielle L. to go on another two on one. nooooo!)

Can we talk about Lorna? Lorna, for those of you who don't know, was apparently a hotel staffer who was there to help the girls with any of their needs...a "nanny" if you will. On the heels of an episode held on a plantation, with no mention of slavery, to now having an African-American woman waiting on girls who have nothing better to do than drink champagne in bed all day...this scene infuriated me. We're treated to a full five minutes of Corrine talking about how Raquel will be jealous of Lorna. Like, seriously, bitch, your at-home servant is going to be jealous that someone else served you for a day? NO.

Anyhoo, what is supposed to be a "fun beach day" for the group date goes from fun to shots to no fun at all REAL quick.

I felt V confused watching seemed like all was well, everyone was getting tipsy and having fun. And then they started playing volleyball, and I noticed, not only how small Danielle M.'s boobs are, and how unflattering Corinne's swimsuit was....but also, that we have clearly missed a few details. Because suddenly, Rachel doesn't want to play anymore, Vanessa is crying about how she can't do this anymore, Corrine is taking shots and naps, Jasmine is throwing Corrine to the ground (a scene which I rewound and watched and LOL'd multiple times). Then everyone is on her own patch of sand crying about the day.

Literally what the fuck just happened? (Sidenote: In one of my Bachelor podcasts I listen to, the host said she heard that the winners of the volleyball game were supposed to win cocktail party time with Nick. Apparently, Raven, Rachel and Corrine won, and that's when Vanessa started crying, so Nick changed the rules and said everyone could come hang out. This makes more sense.)

The day was enough to bring any of these ladies to their emotional breaking point, but Jasmine is the lucky gal who sees these emotions come to a head tonight. After talking endlessly about how pissed she is about not yet having a one-on-one, how she will not be left behind (and several other platitudes), Jasmine talks to Nick about her frustration.

And by "talk to", I mean, threatens to choke him. Like for real, and then sexually, and Nick's like, um, no thanks, can you go home now? K thanks bye. Seriously though, watching Nick's face during this whole exchange was priceless. Homeboy doesn't hide his emotions well, and he was clearly so turned off by the whole interaction. Who can blame, him, really? Jasmine makes four girls who have gone home so far, but why stop now?


Next up is a 2-on-1 with Whitney and Danielle L.


Nick tells Whitney she's here because she's a calming presence, which apparently is true when you are mute and don't drink alcohol. Danielle is confused why she's here, because she's falling in love with Nick.

That's all Nick needs to hear before sending Whitney home, leaving her to sit in more silence while she speaks the most words we've heard this season when she asks Nick if he thinks Danielle L. is ready for a relationship. Valid point, Whitney, but again, WHO ARE YOU and WHY DOES YOUR OPINION MATTER? 

Also, can you stop calling her Danielle L, Danielle M isn't even here. (Or, DLo, apparently, is another option.)

Anyway, if there's one thing ABC is good at, it's leaving girls stranded in bayous, boats and beaches, while the lead takes off in a helicopter with their chosen one. Bye Whitney. Maybe we'll meet you for realsies sometime in the future.

So, here's my bone to pick with ABC. We saw last week the preview where the girls at the hotel are gasping because "he sent them both home!" We all knew Corrine wasn't going home last night, even after Taylor's "confrontation." So immediately, I knew this 2-on-1 was the end of the road for Danielle L.

As you guys know, I've been all in on Danielle L. since day one. Totally thought she would take the cake this season. Have her as my first pick in Fantasy Bachelorette! I was SO. WRONG. What was most upsetting to me about Danielle is that I feel like I missed something major this whole season. Like I've been duped. Because tonight, Danielle DID NOT do herself any favors. (Then again, producers could have just manipulated this date to show all her flaws, which is also possible.) But, she didn't present herself well, especially when Nick asked her what two non-generic words she would use to describe her ideal relationship. She went with: "love." and "trust."


Man, D-Lo, that was a tough moment. So, yeah. Nick's not feeling it with Danielle, even though he WANTS to feel it.  (That's what she said). So, guess what? She goes home, too.

Nick immediately goes to the hotel room bawling, and you can just see on Corrine's face that she's thinking, "Whoa, he's like taking this really seriously...."

Nick cries about how he doesn't know if this will work for him and then just leaves. WTF? Is he sending himself home?

So now we're left with six girls: Corrine, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle M, Rachel and Kristina. I'm at a complete loss. I don't really see much of a connection with any of these girls outside of a superficial, Bachelor-induced connection. I think Rachel and Vanessa are the best of the bunch, but honestly don't see him having a lasting relationship with either one.

But, next week, Corrine seems to offer up her platinum-vagine, so there's that.

Ugh, I'm bored. Nick's "story" is boring. He is a sexy asshole. He can't hold a conversation. He can't fake that he is into anyone. Corrine is clearly the thread holding this season together. This episode was light on Corrine, and I realized that the producers are clearly bringing that storyline so much attention because there is nothing else happening. Not even a romantic connection to focus on. The girls don't seem into him. I'm sick of the low-budget travels. The list goes on. Am I alone?!

My new top 4:

4. Corrine
3. Kristina
2. Rachel
1. Vanessa

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Whipped Cream & Lies: 37 Thoughts on The Bachelor

Dear ABC,

All I want is for an episode of The Bachelor to end with a rose ceremony. Just ONE episode. Please?All of this TO BE CONTINUED is really screwing my emotional intelligence.

In the words of Corrine, "#SorryNotSorry" but this episode was stupid as fuck. It just was. I have so many things to say, I'm not quite sure where to start. I made a list, and it shall qualify as my recap:

  1. Corrine and Taylor at the beginning. So, just so we all remember, Corrine started that conversation, didn't respond to Taylor as she repeated "Emotional Intelligence" over and over again, so that Taylor actually DID sound like the condescending biatch that Corrine accusing her of being. WHAT JUST HAPPENED? Next thing I knew, Corrine was in Nick's arm, accusing TAYLOR of being a bully. What just happened?
  2. Taylor's fate has been sealed, because now that Corrine as put the "bully" idea in Nick's head, no matter what she says to defend herself or what she says about Corrine...she seems like a bully. Well played, Corrine. 
  3. Corinne is drunk AF at all times, right?
  4. How fucking cold is it in Wisconsin right now?
  5. WHO IS WHITNEY?! Someone may or may not have given me a spoiler that she makes it to hometowns, and I literally have no clue who she is?!
  6. Why is Josephine still here? She always seems as surprised as we are. 
  7. Bye bye, Sarah and Astrid. Hello, NOLA!
  8. I love Rachel, and not just because we have the same name.
  9. I could have done without Nick making love to the beignet. 
  10. I could have also done without the beignet puns.
  11. Rachel is way too good for Nick.
  12. So, I guess Rachel is getting a hometown date? She gets the rose.
  13. Group date card arrives : everyone except Taylor and Corrine are going. #DUH
  14. Are we really going to have a group date on a plantation and not mention slavery??? #thatsfuckedup
  15. Then they make it seem like Jasmine is the one provoking the little white girl ghost? #thatsfuckeduptoo
  16. This date sucks, I'm bored.
  17. Why do the girls think that this little 8-year-old ghost gives a fuck about who is going to get the group date ghost?
  18. I don't appreciate the Beauty & the Beast and Quantico propaganda. Each of these have their own platform and The Bachelor is not it. STAY OFF MY MINDLESS CRAP TV!
  20. There are so many cool things The Bachelor could have done
  21. Back at the house, Corrine and Taylor have a quick therapy session with Rachel, who clearly doesn't give AF. Why would she? She's got 7 years on these baby dolls, and she's got a hometown date.
  22. What is this with Corrine's room service order? The last supper?
  23. This two-on-one is the epitome of Nick taking two swamp monsters back to their natural habitat.
  24. Was that a human spine?
  25. Baffled again. Swamps, tarot cards and "voodoo"? Really, Bachelor?
  26. First of all, tarot and voodoo are not related.
  27. Second of all, some people, like me, actually believe in and find value in such things as spirits and tarot. This whole episode trivializes things that should not be trivialized.
  28. Bad move on Taylor's part to let Corinne get the first alone time with Nick.
  29. Did you guys know Taylor's a water sign? #whocares
  30. Corrine swatting the bugs is everything.
  31. Nick thinks with his dick.
  32. Nick immediately asks Taylor about said bullying. Now, anything bad Taylor says about Corrine supports the bully theory. SEE? That bitch is good.
  33. Bye, Taylor.
  34. Why?
  35. I was waiting for Taylor to trip in the woods on her way to get purified, or whatever that was, and then a cut to Corinne's voodoo doll. That was a MISS, ABC.
  36. Taylor should have just gone home.
  37. To be con-fucking-tinued. AGAIN.

Top 4: I'm starting to get confused. I have no idea at this point:

4. Corinne
3. Rachel
2. Danielle L.
1. Vanessa

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