Janet Jackson Revival + Tales from Jade + Tanner's Wedding

It's a new year, which can only mean one thing—more blogs from me. And not just any blogs—Bachelor blogs! I have no idea why everyone loves my Bachelor recaps so much, but it makes me feel wanted, so I'm rollin' with it.

Let me start with my thoughts about Nick Viall as The Bachelor. I, like the rest of America (and the man himself), was ready to see Luke as The Bachelor. But now that Nick is here, I have to say...I don't hate it. He's managed to not only make himself much more physically attractive over the years, but he kind of redeemed himself for me on Bachelor in Paradise. That said, I feel like this particular relationship has was too much pressure on it to succeed, but who knows.

We're in Week 2, after meeting the ladies last week. At first, I felt like the group was mediocre, but then we got to meet Corrine. And Liz. And a dolphin shark. And a chick with balls. And That's So Raven. And Taylor, the mental health counselor hired by ABC to pose as a contestant.

And then I realized that I was wrong. So wrong. This is the most powerful group of ladies we've seen (we know Nick likes a strong woman), which is a recipe for disaster, which is a recipe for amazing TV.

Week 2 opens with the girls drinking mimosas in their rompers, talking about how hot Nick is, when Chris Harrison waltzes in for one of his 10 appearances all season to advise the girls to "make the most of their time with Nick" (aka be a super catty bitch and take no prisoners), and deliver the first date card. The first group date is Corinne, Haley, the dolphin-shark, Sarah, Vanessa, Brittany, Lacey, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor, and Elizabeth. We're still at the point where I usually don't really know one of these bitches from the next, but this group is the power pack. In other words, the winner and probably top 3 are all in this group, so I had high hopes for this date.

I was not disappointed.

The girls find 4 sober girls to drive everyone to their "Always a Bridesmaid" date, which provokes several of the girls to admit that they've never been a bridesmaid before. Well, you're 23, so not only should you not have yet been a bridesmaid, you should absolutely NOT be a bride.

A v classy/weird porn star/photographer star named Franco someone handed out different dresses to the girls with the direction that they would take wedding photos with Nick...80s bride...shotgun bride...beach bride, etc. The "winner" would be chosen by Franco. Prize TBD.

Corrine is upset that she has to wear only a bikini top instead of just being allowed to wear a leaf, like Brittany, while Alexis is shocked to learn that a shotgun wedding does not mean posing sexy with guns.

Corrine is comin' in hot as America's Top Villain, I can tell you that. I can't tell yet if I love her, or I hate her. I mean, obvi we hate her because she's a bit too aggressive, while also being beautiful and a millionaire...but we also have to love her because A) she's hammered 24/7 B) she's so drama and makes great TV.  I think Nick is into her not because she's hot and begs him to hold her "bare bosom," but because she's like him. She doesn't give AF about anyone except herself and the end game. Again, great for us—not so much if you're a girl on this season.

I digress. The girls all take their photos with Nick, including, but not limited to Nick pretending to deliver Alexis' baby and seeing Nick's leaf-colored penis. And yes, Corrine not standing for the fact that Brittany looks hot in just a leaf, and taking off her top and insisting Nick "pull a Janet Jackson."

“No one has ever held my boobs the way Nick has held my boobs.” {crickets}

Franco Porn Star says Corinne wins the date (criteria for winning unknown), and from what I can tell the only prize is riding off in a car? Hmmm. Everyone meets back up for the "Ooh, can I steal you?" time, and this is where things get good. 

First of all, can one of these times someone just say, "NO! You can't 'steal' him and you can't fucking 'borrow' him either!" Seriously. The girls are ticked because Corinne talks to Nick at a minimum, three times. Like I said, she doesn't give AF, but as expected, the other girls are PISSED. Mostly Taylor, our undercover mental health expert. After some nonsense conversation between those two about if everyone is OK (alert: they're both OK), Corrine gets the rose and the girls all wonder if Nick actually is as big of an asshole as the world thinks he is.

Back at the house, while Corrine recounts Nick touching her bare breasts, Liz is creepily cutting fruit while some chick is sleeping/passed out behind her, talking something about how she's had sex with Nick. Wait, Liz has had sex with Nick? At Jade and Tanner's wedding? How did I miss that? JUST KIDDING YOU'VE ONLY MENTIONED BOTH ABOUT 12,398,734 TIMES. 

I do feel KINDA bad for Liz because I have to imagine that the edit she's getting is purposefully ONLY showing her talking about fucking Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. But only KINDA cuz I think I'm on Nick's side in that if she was interested in him, there were other ways to show him that than coming on a TV show. #justsayin

OK, so Danielle M. (who?) gets the first one-on-one, which honestly was pretty boring? Aside from her story about waking about next to her dead fiance, which sounds like pretty much the worst fucking thing that could ever happen to someone, there was nothing notable here. I think she'll probably go far-ish but not to the top 4. We may see her (and Liz and Corrine and Alexis) in Paradise, though!

Group date #2 is with the B team, Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina and Liz. Their date is going to a museum of broken relationships (yes, that's a real place), where they have to act out a breakup in front of a group of people. Kill me now.

The girls breakup reasons range from "you're an alcoholic" to "you called me fat" to a slap in the face to the best breakup ever...a 3-minute dialog from Liz, where she tells the whole group what happened and I've never seen Nick more furious. Honestly though...how awkward?

Post-date cocktail hour and again...boring. Until Christen throws Liz under the bus and lets Nick know that she knows that Liz knows that she and Nick fucked. Nick asks for the details, because you know, he was blacked out and doesn't remember. When he asks Liz about the whole thing, she basically shot herself in the foot and couldn't give any good reason why she chose to come on national TV to get Nick when she could've just asked her bestie Jade for Nick's number. You got a point there, Nick. Nick send Liz home.

that about does it, kids. I'm feeling good about this season. I think the girls are feisty, strong and cutthroat so hopefully the show delivers.

My guesses right now:

1. Corinne
2. Danielle L.
3. Rachel
4. Taylor
5. Vanessa

I think Danielle L. is amazing and has a good shot at winning the thing.

Thoughts? Reactions? Happy watching!


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