Placenta Previa: My Story of a Rogue Placenta

I'm going to skip the usual niceties reserved for my first blogs back after months of being on hiatus, except to say that yes, it has been months. Frankly, I'm starting to go a little crazy, so I had to take some time to write what's on my heart and mind after what's been a rough 6 or so weeks.

So, before I start, I guess this particular post needs just a little introduction: I'm pregnant again! Like, really pregnant - 34 weeks, to be exact. Our second baby boy #2 is due on November 2, and we could not be more excited.

This pregnancy was kind of a planned surprise. We tried to get pregnant at the end of last year, but knowing we had a trip to the Dominican Republic coming in February 2017, we put things on pause o we could both go on the trip without worrying about Zika and with a plan start trying again a few months after we'd been to the Dominican. We went on the trip, had a fabulous time, and about a week after we'd been home, we found out we were expecting. Cue my first pregnancy freakout, since I had been exposed to Zika (and you know, drank ALL THE DRINKS in the Caribbean). I saw my doctor immediately, and she confirmed the pregnancy so as to start Zika testing. Thankfully, all tests came back negative and, there is no concern that this child has been affected. (In fact, his overall size and the size of his head are off the charts, so safe to say, he is A-OK.)

I'm not so naive to think pregnancy is easy, but Liam's pregnancy was pretty smooth sailing for me. I was never sick, I felt great most of the time. Even his labor was fast and relatively easy (except for post-delivery when we had all kinds of complications). This time around, I was super sick for about 16 weeks, I got bigger, faster; I've been more tired, my back is killing me, my boobs are bricks...basically all of the aches and pains of pregnancy arrived WAY earlier this time around. And of course now, I have Liam to chase after, and at 2.5, he is BUSY and SASSY. There is just not as much time to rest and take care of myself.

All that aside, aside from the sickness, I'd had no major issues and we were so looking forward to our 20-week ultrasound to find out baby's gender, and of course, make sure he's healthy. We found out it was a BOY (yay!) and he looked perfect. But of course, with the good news came the bad: they found that I had complete placenta previa and potential placenta accreta.

For those totally unfamiliar, placenta previa is where, instead of the placenta growing and attaching to the top or side of the uterus, it's low-laying. There are varying degrees of previa, but in my case, complete placenta means my placenta is completely covering my cervix. In other words, a vaginal birth is off the table because the placenta is blocking any way for the baby to get out. PP affects about 1 in 200 women, and the biggest symptom is painless bleeding. However, the bleeding poses big risks, as it can often be uncontrolled, result in preterm labor or hemorrhage. Placenta previa pretty much guarantees a C-section, usually at 37 weeks, because any contractions or dilation could cause the placenta to pull away from my uterus leading to severe bleeding.

In many cases—in fact, something like 95% of the time—the placenta moves before delivery, sometimes as late as 34 weeks. So, even though I was really upset and shaken at receiving this news, and I don't love the idea of a c-section, my doctor assured me that hope was not lost. She told me not to Google anything, call if I saw any bleeding, and we left the appointment hopeful that we had 20 full weeks for things to change.

In the meantime, I was put on "pelvic bed rest" (no sex or orgasms, as they cause uterine contractions), and given additional restrictions of no exercise, no heavy lifting, and to call if I experienced any bleeding, even if spotting.

We had another ultrasound at 28 weeks to see if anything had changed with the location of my placenta, and unfortunately, it was still solid across my cervix. But, baby looked great, measuring at 32 weeks (4 weeks ahead of his gestational age), super active and healthy. I carried on with our life and pregnancy, blissfully unaware of the real risks and symptoms of previa. Until...

29 Weeks: First Bleed

One week later, on August 19, we'd just gotten home from our regular Saturday routine of soccer, the park and lunch. Liam had just gone down for a nap, and I was laying down to do the same.

Disclaimer: Gory detail/TMI to follow. Read at your own discretion.

I suddenly felt a warm, unfamiliar, gush between my legs. I jumped out of bed to find blood pouring from between my legs. Pouring is not an understatement. I wish I could say I remained calm, but in fact, I had quite the opposite reaction. I freaked the fuck out.

Hysterical, I ran from our room upstairs, looking for Bryan. I couldn't find him, so back downstairs I went. I was moving as quickly as I could, completely hysterical, but also trying to be quiet so as not to wake up Liam. As blood continued to gush, I slipped in it, and fell down the second flight of stairs. No Bryan. To the first floor I went, and still no Bryan. (Our new home has 4 stories. Did I mention we also moved?)

Completely panicked, I ran back up stairs and found my phone in the kitchen. At this point, I was dizzy, nauseous and scared I was going to pass out. I called Bryan, who as it turns out, was upstairs on the deck the whole time. He heard my hysteria and came running. I heard him fall down the stairs, too, slipping in my blood, and the look on his face when he saw me was something I'll never forget. I mean, here I was, legs, hands, feet covered in blood, and the house looked like a crime scene. He told me to lay down and called 911. Shaking, hysterical and trying to stay conscious, I did as I was told.

This whole event, while it felt like an hour, was probably only 5 minutes. The ambulance was there within minutes, and I was taken to the nearest hospital, which, while not "my hospital" was just around the corner. They hooked me up immediately to monitors and to do an ultrasound, which were being finicky and not working, but soon, we could see that the baby's heart was beating—he was OK.

Meanwhile, I was watching in horror as the doctors pulled about 6 blood clots the size of golf balls from me. I lay there, trying not vomit, trying to breathe, trying to stay calm knowing that baby was fine, but not knowing if I was. Was I dying? Was I going to have to deliver the baby? I was being shoved paperwork to sign in case of an emergency c-section, while nurses and anesthesiologists jammed needles into my arms looking for veins and explaining in no uncertain terms that I may have to be put under general anesthesia if we did have an emergency c-section.

After a short while, they determined that I was not actively bleeding anymore; my cervix was still closed, and the clots were removed. As I stabilized, we learned that the hospital we were at was not a equipped to take babies younger than 32 weeks, and that, while they could do an emergency c-section if necessary, they were also not really considered a great obstetrics hospital. For reasons I couldn't understand, it was not logistically possible to be transferred to "my" hospital, so I was transferred to another hospital with a Level 3 NICU, and a very good group of Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctors.

Over the next 48 hours, I continued to stabilize and bleed, stabilize and bleed. The bleeds were much smaller and controlled than the first one I experienced, but each one was terrifying. I received a round of steroids for the baby's lung development and I was also given magnesium, which can help prevent things like cerebral palsy, in addition to slowing labor. Receiving the magnesium was one of the craziest things ever. They give it to you via IV and they start by giving you a LOT and then on a slow drip for 12 hours. The first 20 minutes, your body gets SUPER hot and you basically feel like you're severely tripping. It made me feel really yucky, but once I got through that first part, it wasn't terrible.

Finally, I had been stable for long enough that they moved me from Labor & Delivery up to the antepartum floor, which is where they keep women who are pregnant and need monitoring, like me; women who gave birth but have babies in the NICU, or women who may have lost a baby. I was ecstatic to move, as I could finally eat, drink and be in a more comfortable bed.

Over the next 4 days, I stayed in the hospital for monitoring. We talked to several teams of doctors - the high-risk doctors who would deliver the baby if necessary; neonatalogists, who explained what to expect delivering so early; perinatal counselors, who came to provide emotional support, and even a couple of oncology doctors, as they will be the team to do a hysterectomy, if necessary.

This is probably a good place to pause and explain that part. In addition to the previa, there is a chance I have placenta accreta, which is basically when the placenta is attached too deeply to the uterine wall. Since you have to deliver the placenta after the baby, obviously if it's deeply attached, it makes that task more difficult, and dangerous for mom because of risk of hemorrhage. It's hard to tell if you have it until are in there, but if you do have this condition, it's possible that instead of even trying to remove the placenta, it's safest to just take out the entire uterus, with the placenta attached.

They did say they don't think that will happen, but they're preparing for every scenario, so we met with that team and talked to them in the event that I do need a hysterectomy.

Needless to say, that period of 5 days in the hospital was a lot to digest. When it was time to go home, I was a complete mess.

Hop on board the emotional roller coaster

The worst part about this condition is the not knowing. You don't know when you're going to bleed, where you're going to bleed, IF you're going to bleed, or how much. For us, while my doctor talked to us about bleeding, it was always just "call if you bleed, even a little." There was no discussion of, 'Oh hey, by the way, if you start gushing blood from your vagina, don't freak out. It's 'normal!'" So when it happened, Bryan and I had no idea what was happening, or what to do, and we thought the worst.

Leaving the hospital, we were of course, much more educated. We made plans for every possible scenario. I was terrified, but tried my best to just take comfort in the fact that every day I stayed pregnant and didn't bleed was a win.

At home, I worked from home during the weeks, which has been a great distraction. I worked from bed and took it easy as best I could. We had a ton of people bring us meals so I didn't have to cook dinner. I did what I could with Liam, when he would let me. (This whole thing has brought on a whole new level of Daddy obsession, but that's another post). Physically, I was doing great. Mentally, has been a completely different story.

Every ache and pain brings panic. Every time I sit down to go to the bathroom, every time I feel anything down there, I panic. I have difficult sleeping, scared I'll wake up to another bleed. Everyone keeps telling me I'm doing a "great job," but honestly, I don't feel like I'm doing anything. All of this is completely out of my control.

So, we watched and waited. I celebrated every day, and when I made it to 32 weeks with no issue, I was ecstatic. (You see, babies born after 32 weeks have a 98% survival rate.)

Second bleed: 33 weeks

33 weeks arrived for us, and again—it was a normal day. We went to the doctor's office, in fact, and spent about 3 hours for our prenatal visit, getting an ultrasound and non-stress test. The ultrasound and non-stress test showed our big, healthy boy. My placenta was still showing as completely covering my cervix, so we said we'd see the following week what it showed before scheduling anything. We were so happy to have made it to that point, and to see that our boy was already 6 lbs, 11oz at just 33 weeks (give or take a few pounds).

We got home with a little time to spare before we needed to pick up Liam. I went to the bathroom and had just started to go upstairs when I felt a familiar gush. Sure enough, I reached down and found blood on my fingers. I got to my knees and called for Bryan. I was so much more calm this time, and so was he. He called the doctor, while I made my way to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet while blood and clots exited my body. I remembered to breathe while we waited for the doctor to see what to do. After about 10 minutes of bleeding, and no call back from the doctor, we got in the car and headed to the hospital. Given that it was rush hour, and the amount of blood I had lost already, while the bleeding had slowed, it was still substantial enough that I felt the safest call was to go to the same hospital where I was taken last time, about 5 minutes from home. 

I got admitted and hooked up to monitors right away. Again, baby was fine, my bleeding had slowed with the exception of a few clots, and I was given another steroid shot for baby's lungs. We waited for a couple of hours to see what was happening, if anything, and once stable, I was transferred up to my hospital. I was super relieved to leave.

Labor & delivery was crowded that night, so Bryan and I had to hole up in a recovery room, while we watched women in labor cycle in and out. They were happy, excited. They had babies on the way! I resented every single one, as I lay there, crying through labor pains in my stomach and back, urinating in a bedpan and praying for an answer, one way or another.

They finally gave me something for the pain and to sleep, in hopes of slowing my contractions. I was finally able to relax and sleep, and as a result, my contractions stopped, and they felt comfortable moving me up to antepartum again.

To stay or to go?

Again, for the next four days. I was hooked up to fetal monitors, strapped into compression boots to prevent blood clots, and given steroids for baby's lungs. I had blood drawn frequently and IVs shoved into veins which kept collapsing, causing pain and discomfort. I had no more bleeding and baby continued to look perfect. As the doctor's talked about letting me go home, I was a complete basket case. They told me they saw no reason I couldn't go home and ride out the rest of my pregnancy, but they said if I really, really wanted to, I could stay in the hospital until delivery.

I agonized over the decision. My fear was not of bleeding again, or even of the baby coming early. My fear was—is—not that would I bleed again, but that I would hemorrhage and there would be no time to get to my hospital and doctors. Instead, an emergency situation would bring me to the same place I'd been taken two times already, where I did not feel I or my baby was a priority, or that they were a reliable resource to care for us in an emergent situation. So, did I go home and hope for the best? Or stay put where I knew I would be in a safe place with providers who knew us and our situation, with an amazing NICU to care for what would definitely be a premature baby?

My gut was telling me that I should stay in the hospital, but I really, really, didn't want to listen. Who would want to stay in the hospital for 3 weeks voluntarily? How could I leave Liam and not see him every day? Could Bryan handle it? Who would come help? What would happen to work? How would all the things get done if I wasn't there? Of course, in my heart I knew that everyone would be fine, and everything would get done. Friends and family would rally, Bryan and Liam would visit. It would all be OK.

After a long conversation with my doctors, they came together and decided that based on my lack of bleeding since I'd arrived at the hospital, and the size of the two bleeds I'd had, my risk of having an unmanageable bleed before our scheduled C-section was low. Not completely out of the realm of possibility, of course, but low. And further, the doctors recognized my strong desire not to deliver at the hospital around the corner, but said that if push came to shove, they had faith that me and baby would be just fine. So,  I decided to come home.

Now what?

Now that I've rambled for pages and pages about WHAT I've dealing with, let's get to HOW I've been dealing. Because I'll tell you, the physical challenges of have been minuscule compared to the mental challenges.

The worst part about placenta previa is the not knowing.

You don't know when you're going to bleed, or if you're going to bleed. Some women bleed once, then never again. Some have multiple bleeds and are hospitalized for majority of their pregnancy.
You don't know where you're going to bleed. You could be at a public restaurant, or sleeping in bed.
You don't know how much you're going to bleed. Some women go through their whole pregnancy with zero issue. Some women spot throughout their pregnancy. Some women have multiple, huge bleeds.
There are no signs that you're going to bleed. As cruel luck would have it, they happen when you're inactive most of the time. For one of my bleeds, I felt a cramping before it happened. The other time, it was while I was sleeping. Literally doing nothing.
There is nothing you can do to prevent bleeding. Sure, doctors put you on pelvic rest. Some put you on bed rest. But, the reality is, there is actually no research that bed rest has any benefit, and there is even more research that says it has the opposite effect. So, you just "take it easy." You have restrictions. No exercise. Sit more than you stand. Don't bend. Don't lift. Don't walk far. You can leave the house, but only if you drive, and and only if you are sitting where you drive to.
I'm scared, anxious and paranoid... all of the time. Any ache or pain makes my mind whirl. If I feel any fluid of any sort "down there," I panic. Every time I sit on the toilet, I hold my breath until I see what's on the toilet paper. I hate being alone. I hate leaving the house. Every moment, I am thinking about my "plan" if I were to start bleeding right then and there.
I can't sleep. Any time my mind has a quiet moment, my mind is racing. I imagine worst-case scenarios, like hemorrhaging during my c-section, and dying. If I manage to sleep, I inevitably wake to go to the bathroom and if my mind is awake for more than 1 minute, I'm doomed.
I feel like I'm being a baby. Everyone tells me I'm "so strong" and I'm doing "so great". I feel like I'm not doing anything.
I feel guilty about everything. I'm a part of support groups of other women going through this and reading some of their experiences, I know I'm lucky. I think of friends who, while they didn't have previa, have had other unimaginable outcomes, like losing their babies. I know things could be so much worse. I feel guilty for wishing this pregnancy away at the beginning (in a "hurry up, I'm over being pregnant" sense), and feel like the universe is getting me back now that all I need is to stay pregnant. I feel guilty for wanting this all to be over. I feel guilty I can't do things 100 percent. I feel guilty I can't be a better mom or wife or friend right now. I feel guilty for getting annoyed when people ask me how I am, or tell me I'm strong.
I'm grieving for this pregnancy...and future pregnancies. This is not how things were supposed to go. This is not how I wanted or planned to spend our last weeks and months as a family of three. I have been so consumed by anxiety and worry, I have not been able to enjoy this pregnancy, I've just wanted it to be over. And not only that, this might be my last pregnancy. The chance of a hysterectomy is small, but given my complications the past two pregnancies, I honestly don't know if I can go through it again. That makes me sad, too.

I could go on, but half of the reason I wrote this post is to try and close the door on these feelings. I am trying to shift perspective as best as I can as we near the end of all of this.

First and foremost - our baby is doing so great. He has been unaffected by everything going on, and for that, we are thankful. I know he will be OK, no matter what.
Second, what will be will be. Yes, I can do my part to try and prevent another bleed, but the reality is, if it's going to happen, it's going to happen. I can't control that. This story is already written.
I need to give myself grace and allow myself to feel.
I need to be kind to myself, and rest.
I need to lean on my husband and family and friends to HELP me, instead of being stubborn and resisting.
And to that end, the amount of support we've received from people these past couple of months has been so humbling. Family has traveled to and from Iowa, and back again, to help us with Liam and Addy, and just to be here for us. Friends and strangers have brought us food. People I haven't spoken to in ages have reached out to let me know they are praying for us, or to share a similar experience with a positive outcome.
I need to leave my "support" group of women who are also experiencing this, because I get lost in their posts and stories, and that doesn't help my mindset. Their stories and experiences are not mine.
I will count my blessings, of which there are many.

We had our 34 week appointment last week, and my placenta is still in place over my cervix. (This puts me in the lucky 5 percent of women who don't have a resolved previa). Not only that, but it's also in front, along with the umbilical cord. {insert eyeroll} That basically means that baby needs to get out ASAP because they will have to cut through both the placenta and umbilical cord to get him out. In other words, there will probably be a lot of blood and baby will need oxygen immediately.

We scheduled our c-section for 36 weeks, 0 days, on October 5, 2017. 10 days from today. TEN DAYS. Although it feels like a lifetime and like anything could happen between now and then, 10 days is ideally all that separates us from this nightmare of a third trimester being over, and meeting our baby boy.

I'm terrified about the c-section, but know it's the best (and only) option to get our babe here quickly, and I'm thankful the docs know what they're walking into. They will have all teams in place to get the baby out safely and quickly, and to get me put back together in the same manner.

I know all too well that this next phase of life will bring its own challenges. Not only with having a new baby, but all of us adjusting to life as a family of four. I will be able to soon look back on this period of time and think of all it taught me. I'm sure I will even long for the opportunity to rest without judgment.

Does anyone else have experience with placenta previa?
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Cats Have 9 Lives—Bitches Have 2

Well, was this the worst episode of The Bachelor, or what.  No question mark, as this was not a question. I've never watched a more dark, confusing episode of this franchise. So many questions...let's get started.

The short story: Nick cleaned house last night and got rid of SIX contestants.

The medium story: Nick hates being The Bachelor. No one is having fun. This season is officially boring.

Now for the long story.

We start from last week's "cliffhanger" where Taylor swims up from the swamp to the exact location where Corinne and Nick are having dinner. Taylor wants Nick to "open his eyeballs"to Corinne's lies.

Much like Chad's "return" to the house after he was dumped, this confrontation fell short of any kind of excitement. Nick doesn't give AF what Taylor has to say, and basically tells Taylor, "I didn't dump you because you're a bully, I dumped you because I don't like you. Now GTFO." And Taylor does.

We resume the date with a drunk Corrine chugging champagne and talking to herself about how cats have nine lives and bitches have two (??????????). Unclear which Corinne is. She gets a rose.

Cocktail party time, and the producers tell Nick the girls are freaking out because they need time with him tonight and order him to cancel the cocktail party. Josephine, Jaimi and Alexis all go home. No one knows Josephine; Jaimi has no regrets (except for her lipstick tonight) and Alexis, we'll see you in Paradise, girl.


The group is headed to St. Thomas, where the Marriott is our new place that's perfect to fall in love, except everything that happens next is literally the most depressing shit I've seen on The Bachelor to date.

Kristina gets the first one-on-one date, much to Jasmine's dismay (foreshadowing). I haven't been really into Kristina this season, but she turned a corner with me this episode. Maybe it was her depressing AF childhood story about living in Russia, eating lipstick and getting kicked out of her family when she was five years old for eating so as not to starve...but it didn't feel like she was trying to use things as a ploy to get a rose. Which she did, of course. How could she not? Nick didn't know quite how to handle this revelation, and it feels like this disconnect may be an issue for them going forward. Time will tell.



Next up is a group date with Raven, Rachel, Danielle M, Jasmine, Vanessa and Corrine. (Leaving Whitney and Danielle L. to go on another two on one. nooooo!)

Can we talk about Lorna? Lorna, for those of you who don't know, was apparently a hotel staffer who was there to help the girls with any of their needs...a "nanny" if you will. On the heels of an episode held on a plantation, with no mention of slavery, to now having an African-American woman waiting on girls who have nothing better to do than drink champagne in bed all day...this scene infuriated me. We're treated to a full five minutes of Corrine talking about how Raquel will be jealous of Lorna. Like, seriously, bitch, your at-home servant is going to be jealous that someone else served you for a day? NO.

Anyhoo, what is supposed to be a "fun beach day" for the group date goes from fun to shots to no fun at all REAL quick.


I felt V confused watching this...it seemed like all was well, everyone was getting tipsy and having fun. And then they started playing volleyball, and I noticed, not only how small Danielle M.'s boobs are, and how unflattering Corinne's swimsuit was....but also, that we have clearly missed a few details. Because suddenly, Rachel doesn't want to play anymore, Vanessa is crying about how she can't do this anymore, Corrine is taking shots and naps, Jasmine is throwing Corrine to the ground (a scene which I rewound and watched and LOL'd multiple times). Then everyone is on her own patch of sand crying about the day.

Literally what the fuck just happened? (Sidenote: In one of my Bachelor podcasts I listen to, the host said she heard that the winners of the volleyball game were supposed to win cocktail party time with Nick. Apparently, Raven, Rachel and Corrine won, and that's when Vanessa started crying, so Nick changed the rules and said everyone could come hang out. This makes more sense.)


The day was enough to bring any of these ladies to their emotional breaking point, but Jasmine is the lucky gal who sees these emotions come to a head tonight. After talking endlessly about how pissed she is about not yet having a one-on-one, how she will not be left behind (and several other platitudes), Jasmine talks to Nick about her frustration.

And by "talk to", I mean, threatens to choke him. Like for real, and then sexually, and Nick's like, um, no thanks, can you go home now? K thanks bye. Seriously though, watching Nick's face during this whole exchange was priceless. Homeboy doesn't hide his emotions well, and he was clearly so turned off by the whole interaction. Who can blame, him, really? Jasmine makes four girls who have gone home so far, but why stop now?

 

Next up is a 2-on-1 with Whitney and Danielle L.

WHO ARE YOU, WHITNEY? WHY ARE YOU HERE?

Nick tells Whitney she's here because she's a calming presence, which apparently is true when you are mute and don't drink alcohol. Danielle is confused why she's here, because she's falling in love with Nick.

That's all Nick needs to hear before sending Whitney home, leaving her to sit in more silence while she speaks the most words we've heard this season when she asks Nick if he thinks Danielle L. is ready for a relationship. Valid point, Whitney, but again, WHO ARE YOU and WHY DOES YOUR OPINION MATTER? 

Also, can you stop calling her Danielle L, Danielle M isn't even here. (Or, DLo, apparently, is another option.)

Anyway, if there's one thing ABC is good at, it's leaving girls stranded in bayous, boats and beaches, while the lead takes off in a helicopter with their chosen one. Bye Whitney. Maybe we'll meet you for realsies sometime in the future.

So, here's my bone to pick with ABC. We saw last week the preview where the girls at the hotel are gasping because "he sent them both home!" We all knew Corrine wasn't going home last night, even after Taylor's "confrontation." So immediately, I knew this 2-on-1 was the end of the road for Danielle L.

As you guys know, I've been all in on Danielle L. since day one. Totally thought she would take the cake this season. Have her as my first pick in Fantasy Bachelorette! I was SO. WRONG. What was most upsetting to me about Danielle is that I feel like I missed something major this whole season. Like I've been duped. Because tonight, Danielle DID NOT do herself any favors. (Then again, producers could have just manipulated this date to show all her flaws, which is also possible.) But, she didn't present herself well, especially when Nick asked her what two non-generic words she would use to describe her ideal relationship. She went with: "love." and "trust."

{silence}

Man, D-Lo, that was a tough moment. So, yeah. Nick's not feeling it with Danielle, even though he WANTS to feel it.  (That's what she said). So, guess what? She goes home, too.

Nick immediately goes to the hotel room bawling, and you can just see on Corrine's face that she's thinking, "Whoa, he's like taking this really seriously...."

Nick cries about how he doesn't know if this will work for him and then just leaves. WTF? Is he sending himself home?

So now we're left with six girls: Corrine, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle M, Rachel and Kristina. I'm at a complete loss. I don't really see much of a connection with any of these girls outside of a superficial, Bachelor-induced connection. I think Rachel and Vanessa are the best of the bunch, but honestly don't see him having a lasting relationship with either one.

But, next week, Corrine seems to offer up her platinum-vagine, so there's that.

Ugh, I'm bored. Nick's "story" is boring. He is a sexy asshole. He can't hold a conversation. He can't fake that he is into anyone. Corrine is clearly the thread holding this season together. This episode was light on Corrine, and I realized that the producers are clearly bringing that storyline so much attention because there is nothing else happening. Not even a romantic connection to focus on. The girls don't seem into him. I'm sick of the low-budget travels. The list goes on. Am I alone?!

My new top 4:

4. Corrine
3. Kristina
2. Rachel
1. Vanessa

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Whipped Cream & Lies: 37 Thoughts on The Bachelor

Dear ABC,

All I want is for an episode of The Bachelor to end with a rose ceremony. Just ONE episode. Please?All of this TO BE CONTINUED is really screwing my emotional intelligence.

In the words of Corrine, "#SorryNotSorry" but this episode was stupid as fuck. It just was. I have so many things to say, I'm not quite sure where to start. I made a list, and it shall qualify as my recap:

  1. Corrine and Taylor at the beginning. So, just so we all remember, Corrine started that conversation, didn't respond to Taylor as she repeated "Emotional Intelligence" over and over again, so that Taylor actually DID sound like the condescending biatch that Corrine accusing her of being. WHAT JUST HAPPENED? Next thing I knew, Corrine was in Nick's arm, accusing TAYLOR of being a bully. What just happened?
  2. Taylor's fate has been sealed, because now that Corrine as put the "bully" idea in Nick's head, no matter what she says to defend herself or what she says about Corrine...she seems like a bully. Well played, Corrine. 
  3. Corinne is drunk AF at all times, right?
  4. How fucking cold is it in Wisconsin right now?
  5. WHO IS WHITNEY?! Someone may or may not have given me a spoiler that she makes it to hometowns, and I literally have no clue who she is?!
  6. Why is Josephine still here? She always seems as surprised as we are. 
  7. Bye bye, Sarah and Astrid. Hello, NOLA!
  8. I love Rachel, and not just because we have the same name.
  9. I could have done without Nick making love to the beignet. 
  10. I could have also done without the beignet puns.
  11. Rachel is way too good for Nick.
  12. So, I guess Rachel is getting a hometown date? She gets the rose.
  13. Group date card arrives : everyone except Taylor and Corrine are going. #DUH
  14. Are we really going to have a group date on a plantation and not mention slavery??? #thatsfuckedup
  15. Then they make it seem like Jasmine is the one provoking the little white girl ghost? #thatsfuckeduptoo
  16. This date sucks, I'm bored.
  17. Why do the girls think that this little 8-year-old ghost gives a fuck about who is going to get the group date ghost?
  18. I don't appreciate the Beauty & the Beast and Quantico propaganda. Each of these have their own platform and The Bachelor is not it. STAY OFF MY MINDLESS CRAP TV!
  19. WE HAVE OUR FIRST L BOMB.
  20. There are so many cool things The Bachelor could have done
  21. Back at the house, Corrine and Taylor have a quick therapy session with Rachel, who clearly doesn't give AF. Why would she? She's got 7 years on these baby dolls, and she's got a hometown date.
  22. What is this with Corrine's room service order? The last supper?
  23. This two-on-one is the epitome of Nick taking two swamp monsters back to their natural habitat.
  24. Was that a human spine?
  25. Baffled again. Swamps, tarot cards and "voodoo"? Really, Bachelor?
  26. First of all, tarot and voodoo are not related.
  27. Second of all, some people, like me, actually believe in and find value in such things as spirits and tarot. This whole episode trivializes things that should not be trivialized.
  28. Bad move on Taylor's part to let Corinne get the first alone time with Nick.
  29. Did you guys know Taylor's a water sign? #whocares
  30. Corrine swatting the bugs is everything.
  31. Nick thinks with his dick.
  32. Nick immediately asks Taylor about said bullying. Now, anything bad Taylor says about Corrine supports the bully theory. SEE? That bitch is good.
  33. Bye, Taylor.
  34. Why?
  35. I was waiting for Taylor to trip in the woods on her way to get purified, or whatever that was, and then a cut to Corinne's voodoo doll. That was a MISS, ABC.
  36. Taylor should have just gone home.
  37. To be con-fucking-tinued. AGAIN.
PS - ANOTHER ALEXIS CLIP THAT IS GOLD.

Top 4: I'm starting to get confused. I have no idea at this point:

4. Corinne
3. Rachel
2. Danielle L.
1. Vanessa

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Taco Spas & Poopy Flaws

Hey, Bachelor, can we be done with the annoying "cliffhangers" that don't actually end in anything exciting happening ? K thanks bye!

We start this week with Vanessa confronting Nick about if he wants a fuck buddy or a wife (valid), the girls threatening to go home if Corinne stays, and...Corrine is napping.

Nick responds to Vanessa's bad-assness by pulling a classic Bachelor move and assuring Vanessa he respects her concerns because he's been in her position. So...in other words, "Let's talk about great you are, and continue to avoid talking about how I'm a man whore."


Sarah and Taylor wake Corrine up from her cheesy pasta dreams to tell her that Bouncy House Gate 2016 makes her come off as "entitled." Which, of course, Corrine—a gorgeous, rich, white, blonde 24-year old with a nanny—insists she is not. Maybe I'm feeling a little sensitive from all craziness flying around the Internet about #notmymarch or what have you. But Corinne, girl...YOU'RE the definition of ENTITLED.

Rose ceremony time, and roses go to Raven, Taylor, Whitney (???), Kristina, Jasmine, Alexis, Astrid (????), Danielle M., Jaimi (????), Josphine (????), Sarah (???) and … Corinne. Of course, Corrine gets the "punishment" rose. You know the one...the one that is supposed to warn the girl that she's skating on thin ice, and that makes all the other girls with roses seethe and makes the ones who didn't get roses cry, because...if Nick could like HER more than ME, than I don't know what he's looking for! And of course, none of the girls who threatened to leave, do.

The next morning, Chris tells the girls that the time has come...they're finally going to travel the world with Nick! Their first worldly adventure? MILWAUKEE. wamp wamp. I love seeing the girls' reactions when they get stuck with a low-budget destination. I wonder how many takes they had to do before the girls actually seemed excited? (I can say these things. I was born in Wisconsin.)

Nick meets up with his parents, who basically tell him that this better be the last fucking time they have to show up on national TV to humiliate their family and exploit their 11-year-old daughter while he gets laid and plays Prince Charming.

Nick welcomes the ladies to his hometown and whisks Danielle L. away for a one-on-one. Said date basically consisted of Nick walking her around town showing her all the places he's made out with people before they totally casually ran into one of his exes! (Who just happened to be sitting in the window and happened to be wearing a microphone.)  She tells Danielle to be careful because if Nick doesn't feel it, he's out. At first I was like, why would Danielle listen to someone who only dated Nick for 3 months? Then I realized that if Danielle ends up with a ring on her finger at the end, she will have "dated" him less time than that, so...there's that.


Night portion of the date is depressing while Nick and Danielle talk about divorce and her hesitation of getting married. (Not sure that's the right card to play on a dating show that ideally ends in engagement?)

Also...who is Chris Lang (Lane?), and why was he on Nick's bucket list? Also, kudos to poor Danielle, who had to endure "the time of her life" awkwardly dancing in front of a crowd not once, but TWICE? She probably got a rose for that, alone. I'm almost willing to guarantee that she's in the final two, despite how much this date sucked.



Next is a group date where everyone except Danielle L and Raven go to a dairy farm, and it was quite literally a shit show. They feed some baby cows, shovel some "poopy" and milk some mama cows. Watching Nick handle that cow's teets was, like Jaimi said...pretty disappointing. Jaimi seemed to know her way around the nipple though, and I think that was ABC's attempt at a bisexual joke?

In any case, everyone partakes in these activities, except of course...Corrine. She had a "hand situation," which we later learn is a V SERIOUS issue and she almost had to go to the hospital for it. Wait what? Is this a condition we haven't heard about or is this typical Corrine who really just doesn't want to get cow shit on her designer shoes? I mean she wouldn't even make Raquel do farm chores. She'll make her literally do all other chores, but NOT farm chores.


Corrine lives in a warped version of reality. Farm chores are not the same as regular chores. Cheesy pasta is not the same as mac 'n cheese. Choreography is not the same as planned dancing.

So, let's pause and talk about Corrine as a "villain." Is she dumb? Yes. Entitled? Yes. Lacks self-awareness? 110%. Thinks she needs to exploit her sexuality to get a man? Clearly. But...what has she done, really, other than pass out cuz she's drunk all the time, act out producer-led stunts, not really give a shit and steal Nick multiple times in an evening?

Don't get me wrong - I don't LIKE Corrine, but we can't disagree that this season would be BORING if she wasn't here. We also can't deny that for some reason...Nick likes her.

And later, in the evening part of the date, Corrine tries to "confront" the girls and tells them if they have a problem, to bring it to her directly, and apologizes for taking naps in the most #sorrynotsorry way. The girls question how badly she really wants Nick given that she wouldn't LITERALLY shovel shit for him. Corrine immeds starts using her "serious hand situation" as an excuse for her lack of participation. Stop trying to give Nick so many handys, Corrine, and you might be able to shovel some more poopy.

And not to seem like I'm taking Corrine's side, but the girls' arguments of "We're worried you're not mature enough to marry a 36-year-old man" are NOT an argument! Especially coming from another 24-year-old. Like, why do you care? Same with her napping.  If anything, that works in favor of the other girls. I'm just saying, if Corrine asked me what my problem was with her, I'd bring up the stealing time, the bouncy house, the whip cream, or the fact that she's hammered all the time...actual rose-world problems.


This is also a good time to talk about all of the Corrine-isms this episode...
"Oh my god. Sorry guys, I napped. Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. I took a nap." 
"I don't want to be on this group date. I want to be in a spa, being fed a nice taco. Preferably... chicken."
"I respect you for shoveling the poopy. I do. I really, really do. It takes a lot of courage, and a really blind sense of smell, to shovel that poopy. But I had a really serious hand situation, and I just couldn't shovel that poop."
"I'm a corn husk; you gotta pull all the layers back. And in the middle is this luxury, yellow corn. With all these pellets of information. And it's juicy, and buttery. You want to get to that corn."
"Taylor is like fake and nasty. So tonight I'm going to go punch her in the face."
Raven got the one-on-one date, and got to spend the day with Nick's family. Interesting choice to have Raven meet the parents. She hasn't been a standout to me at this point, but after this date, I enjoyed her. Her story about her cheating boyfriend? Amazing. But, it was super awkward when Nick's dad wouldn't stop staring at her and she wouldn't make eye contact.

Also super awkward, aside from the whole roller skating thing? How when Raven was talking about her ex situation, Nick kept grinning and looking off to the side and asking things like, "and then what?" It felt so off to me, like he was looking at a producer who was nodding in the background or something. Raven didn't notice...she got the rose.


Time for another cocktail party and another cliffhanger. This time, everyone gets mad at Danielle L for stealing Nick right away because she already has a rose. And by everyone, I mean Taylor.

So, I thought I liked Taylor. But after her choice in attire when having a 1-1 chat with Danielle M in the bathtub (why are you wearing a bikini soaking your feet in a bathtub?), my doubts started creeping in.

After stuffing her face with pigs in a blanket and champagne, Corrine decides tonight is the night she's going tell Taylor what she really thinks of her - which is that she's a "fake ass bitch." Who says that anymore? Taylor decides to psychoanalyzes Corrine instead of telling her all the real reasons she really sucks, and I have to say, I might be on Corinne's side in all of this. I think we'll find out next week when Taylor and Corrine go on a two-on-one date. I mean, they have to, right? We'll find out next week because Taylor literally. can't. even.


My top four remains:

4. Rachel
3. Corrine
2. Vanessa
1. Danielle L.

PS - we need more of Alexis than these clips at the end!
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The Nanny Diaries

Well, if it wasn't clear before, it's clear now: Corinne is this season's MVP. Clearly, she's the villain this season (especially now that Liz is gone), and for good reason. One minute she's a cunning, horny, manipulative, assertive vixen and the next she's an overgrown woman-child who can't survive without nap time and her nanny.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

We left off last week with Nick having confirmed with the ladies that he's a man whore and an annoying To Be Continued... The consensus? No one cared. Cool cliffhanger.

Cocktail hour commences and Corrine attempts to reenact Varsity Blues. When flashing Nick her nipple and allowing him to lick Reddi Whip off her tits doesn't result in on-camera fornication as planned, Corrine runs upstairs crying, decides it's all too much, and literally goes to bed while the rest of the ladies act like they give a fuck.


Rose Ceremony time (carried over from last week). Nobody worth mentioning goes home.

Next morning, a group date card arrives—and so do The Backstreet Boys. I was a little taken aback by the girls' reaction to these guys. I mean, sure, it's The Backstreet Boys, but consider this: 1) One of these guys was born in effing 1971, which means is he 46 years old. That's old enough to be some of these girls' dad. In addition, some of these girls were literally born when The Backstreet Boys were just getting started. In any case, "Backstreet's back" and this time, the ladies and Nick will be joining them for a performance THAT NIGHT.


Corrine isn't good at "planned dancing"... (wait, isn't there a word for that? Like choreography?) and again starts crying because this means her future marriage to Nick is down the drain. As is Jasmine's career as a professional dancer, given that she doesn't win the date. Instead, Backstreet chooses Danielle L., a nail salon owner, as the official "winner" of the performance. She "wins" a slow dance, junior high style, in front of everyone to "I Want It That Way." Kill me.

Night portion of the date can be summarized as follows: Corrine makes sure to "Make Corrine Great Again," takes another nap in some random room, then shares that she misses Raquel. Her nanny.


That's right. This 24-year-old grown ass woman has a nanny. Does she have kids? Nope. What she does have is millions of dollars to burn, and someone whose "happiness" is defined as cutting vegetables and making cheese pasta and lemon salad for a fucking 24 year old. And who is she to deny this woman's happiness?

Jasmine's mind is blown and #imwithher.

Because what exactly IS cheese pasta? Is it like...macaroni and cheese? Is it literally pasta with cheese on top? Is it noodles with some butter and parmesan? What the hell is lemon salad? (Literally, Google 'lemon salad'. ZERO hits.)

Corrine is definitely going to be around for awhile. For sure until the top four, if you ask me. I totally get the girls' disdain for her and wondering what Nick sees in her as she compares to others, but there's just no way we won't get to meet her millionaire family or see Raquel in the flesh. She's not going to win. *Then again, we said that about Donald Trump and look where we fucking are now.* (Note: this is the second Trump likeness.)

Danielle L. gets the rose.

Vanessa gets the one-on-one this week and she and Nick went on a "vomit comet" date. In case you don't know what that means, they went in one of those zero-gravity planes. Poor Vanessa actually vomits, multiple times. I couldn't figure out why they kept flying around and pausing to puke, instead of just letting the poor girl get out? Sadly, I don't have much shit to talk about this date. I found Nick to be endearing while she was puking her brains it, albeit how disgusting it was to see them making out post-hurl with the added commentary of "still tastes fine." Vanessa is over the age of 25, seems normal and nice, and quite honestly, I don't know what she's doing here, but I like her, and so does Nick. But...what was he crying about?


The next group focuses on a track-and-field competition because when you dance with the Backstreet Boys, you have to balance that shit out with some manliness (or something). The only things I remember are as follows: 

1) Astrid's boobs were out of control. 
2) How fucking gross are you to get in a hot tub WITH your workout clothes AND a hot guy, 
3) Why does Dominique think that hating on Nick for not being a mindreader would be a good move? Bye... and
4) I wish I could walk over and pull Alexis' head up from where it always sits, which is nestled deep within her should blades. Chick has TERRIBLE posture. Also, stop trying to make "bitches" happen. Jesse Pinkman cornered that market.


At the POOL PARTY (instead of cocktail party), Corrine is back with a "sneaky surprise" for Nick. Although, is there anything LESS sneaky or surprising than a huge pink and purple bouncy house in the front lawn?! For the second time today, she tries to fornicate with Nick, this time while the girls look on. Nick claims the reason he likes it is because it's "fun" and you need to have "fun" when you settle down with someone for life. Last time I checked, dry humping is not fun.

After Nick jizzes in his swimsuit and Corrine goes upstairs for yet another snooze. (Sidenote: are her naps really naps? Or is she passing out? She's been hammered pretty much every night so far.) The girls all question Nick and his intention's with Corrine. We all know how well it usually goes when girls talk about other girls, but I, for one, loved it when Vanessa turned the tables on Nick, and said she didn't care about Corrine, she cared about Nick. AND that if he was looking for someone to fuck around with, he could take his rose back. DAMN. I knew I liked this girl!

Another "cliffhanger" this week, but here's where I'm at with my current rankings:

Top 4:
4 Rachel/Taylor
3. Corrine
2. Vanessa
1. Danielle L.

What were your thoughts/reactions?
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Janet Jackson Revival + Tales from Jade + Tanner's Wedding

It's a new year, which can only mean one thing—more blogs from me. And not just any blogs—Bachelor blogs! I have no idea why everyone loves my Bachelor recaps so much, but it makes me feel wanted, so I'm rollin' with it.

Let me start with my thoughts about Nick Viall as The Bachelor. I, like the rest of America (and the man himself), was ready to see Luke as The Bachelor. But now that Nick is here, I have to say...I don't hate it. He's managed to not only make himself much more physically attractive over the years, but he kind of redeemed himself for me on Bachelor in Paradise. That said, I feel like this particular relationship has was too much pressure on it to succeed, but who knows.

We're in Week 2, after meeting the ladies last week. At first, I felt like the group was mediocre, but then we got to meet Corrine. And Liz. And a dolphin shark. And a chick with balls. And That's So Raven. And Taylor, the mental health counselor hired by ABC to pose as a contestant.

And then I realized that I was wrong. So wrong. This is the most powerful group of ladies we've seen (we know Nick likes a strong woman), which is a recipe for disaster, which is a recipe for amazing TV.

Week 2 opens with the girls drinking mimosas in their rompers, talking about how hot Nick is, when Chris Harrison waltzes in for one of his 10 appearances all season to advise the girls to "make the most of their time with Nick" (aka be a super catty bitch and take no prisoners), and deliver the first date card. The first group date is Corinne, Haley, the dolphin-shark, Sarah, Vanessa, Brittany, Lacey, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor, and Elizabeth. We're still at the point where I usually don't really know one of these bitches from the next, but this group is the power pack. In other words, the winner and probably top 3 are all in this group, so I had high hopes for this date.

I was not disappointed.



The girls find 4 sober girls to drive everyone to their "Always a Bridesmaid" date, which provokes several of the girls to admit that they've never been a bridesmaid before. Well, you're 23, so not only should you not have yet been a bridesmaid, you should absolutely NOT be a bride.

A v classy/weird porn star/photographer star named Franco someone handed out different dresses to the girls with the direction that they would take wedding photos with Nick...80s bride...shotgun bride...beach bride, etc. The "winner" would be chosen by Franco. Prize TBD.

Corrine is upset that she has to wear only a bikini top instead of just being allowed to wear a leaf, like Brittany, while Alexis is shocked to learn that a shotgun wedding does not mean posing sexy with guns.



Corrine is comin' in hot as America's Top Villain, I can tell you that. I can't tell yet if I love her, or I hate her. I mean, obvi we hate her because she's a bit too aggressive, while also being beautiful and a millionaire...but we also have to love her because A) she's hammered 24/7 B) she's so drama and makes great TV.  I think Nick is into her not because she's hot and begs him to hold her "bare bosom," but because she's like him. She doesn't give AF about anyone except herself and the end game. Again, great for us—not so much if you're a girl on this season.

I digress. The girls all take their photos with Nick, including, but not limited to Nick pretending to deliver Alexis' baby and seeing Nick's leaf-colored penis. And yes, Corrine not standing for the fact that Brittany looks hot in just a leaf, and taking off her top and insisting Nick "pull a Janet Jackson."

“No one has ever held my boobs the way Nick has held my boobs.” {crickets}


Franco Porn Star says Corinne wins the date (criteria for winning unknown), and from what I can tell the only prize is riding off in a car? Hmmm. Everyone meets back up for the "Ooh, can I steal you?" time, and this is where things get good. 

First of all, can one of these times someone just say, "NO! You can't 'steal' him and you can't fucking 'borrow' him either!" Seriously. The girls are ticked because Corinne talks to Nick at a minimum, three times. Like I said, she doesn't give AF, but as expected, the other girls are PISSED. Mostly Taylor, our undercover mental health expert. After some nonsense conversation between those two about if everyone is OK (alert: they're both OK), Corrine gets the rose and the girls all wonder if Nick actually is as big of an asshole as the world thinks he is.


Back at the house, while Corrine recounts Nick touching her bare breasts, Liz is creepily cutting fruit while some chick is sleeping/passed out behind her, talking something about how she's had sex with Nick. Wait, Liz has had sex with Nick? At Jade and Tanner's wedding? How did I miss that? JUST KIDDING YOU'VE ONLY MENTIONED BOTH ABOUT 12,398,734 TIMES. 

I do feel KINDA bad for Liz because I have to imagine that the edit she's getting is purposefully ONLY showing her talking about fucking Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. But only KINDA cuz I think I'm on Nick's side in that if she was interested in him, there were other ways to show him that than coming on a TV show. #justsayin

OK, so Danielle M. (who?) gets the first one-on-one, which honestly was pretty boring? Aside from her story about waking about next to her dead fiance, which sounds like pretty much the worst fucking thing that could ever happen to someone, there was nothing notable here. I think she'll probably go far-ish but not to the top 4. We may see her (and Liz and Corrine and Alexis) in Paradise, though!

Group date #2 is with the B team, Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina and Liz. Their date is going to a museum of broken relationships (yes, that's a real place), where they have to act out a breakup in front of a group of people. Kill me now.


The girls breakup reasons range from "you're an alcoholic" to "you called me fat" to a slap in the face to the best breakup ever...a 3-minute dialog from Liz, where she tells the whole group what happened and I've never seen Nick more furious. Honestly though...how awkward?

Post-date cocktail hour and again...boring. Until Christen throws Liz under the bus and lets Nick know that she knows that Liz knows that she and Nick fucked. Nick asks for the details, because you know, he was blacked out and doesn't remember. When he asks Liz about the whole thing, she basically shot herself in the foot and couldn't give any good reason why she chose to come on national TV to get Nick when she could've just asked her bestie Jade for Nick's number. You got a point there, Nick. Nick send Liz home.

that about does it, kids. I'm feeling good about this season. I think the girls are feisty, strong and cutthroat so hopefully the show delivers.

My guesses right now:

1. Corinne
2. Danielle L.
3. Rachel
4. Taylor
5. Vanessa

I think Danielle L. is amazing and has a good shot at winning the thing.

Thoughts? Reactions? Happy watching!
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