Don't Poke the Chad-Bear

We’re left with Chad walking back into the house and I’m pretty sure we were all expecting a reenactment of the Red Wedding. (I don’t watch Game of Thrones, but I do know that reference.)

Instead, Chad makes an attempt to level with the guys by basically saying “Leave me alone and I won’t fucking kill all of you.” Evan wants an apology and a new t-shirt, but like Evan’s chances of winning this show, it ain’t happening. 

JoJo arrives and takes off her clothes, and everyone shuts the hell up. During the cocktail “pool party,” the guys do a synchronized dive and Evan gets a bloody nose. (Yes, from diving into a pool. SMH.) JoJo and Jordan drunkenly go off together to plan their future while JoJo kisses her OWN knee. Let’s be real:  Is there even a chance that Jordan doesn’t win this whole thing? If there is, SHOW ME.

JoJo comments on Chad being “lathered up,” Chad comments on Evan being a pussy (while simultaneously eating more meat, protein shakes, lettuce and sweet potatoes), Robby talks about how fast everything is happening, Derek comments on Chad being a dick, and yep, you guessed it: Chad creates more drama.

In case you missed it, this is Chad’s take on the pool party:

"I don't get why they're all happy with each other, and they're gonna be all happy to see her in a bathing suit. I'd be happier having her not be in a bathing suit, so they couldn't see her in a bathing suit. I know what she probably looks like, I can tell through her dress." 

Let’s pause. Chad’s a true asshole, to be sure. But we’re all kidding ourselves if he’s not the reason we’re tuning in to the show. I read something the other day that I totally agree with: When it comes to female villains on The Bachelor, we’re limited to two types: sluts (a la Courtney Robertson) or crazies (a la Olivia). 

But on The Bachelorette, male villains can be a slew of things: misogynistic, violent, drunk, too obsessed with the girl, too obsessed with the show, a cheater, fame-seeking...and Chad is amazing because he’s a mixture of MANy of these things. And he’s kind of a sociopath to boot. We all know the villain rarely wins (two female villains have one that I can think of..Vienna + Courtney). We yell at the leads for giving them rose after rose, and yet, we’re BORED when they leave! 

So, that said...we know Chad’s gonna get a rose after the pool party. Despite his conflicts with literally EVERYONE, despite Evan’s threats to leave...he’s still here. And somehow, so are Vinny and Daniel, while we say goodbye to Ali, Nick and Christian.

Pack your bags, gentleman. We’re going to….PENNSYLVANIA! Wow. JoJo, does it really, “ feel so good to be in Pennsylvania”? No, it fucking does not.

Moving on from Chad, Luke gets the next one-on-one. I like Luke. JoJo likes him, too. I would not be even a little surprised if it was Jordan and Luke at the end of this. 

Luke needs to use some Rodan + Fields to turn that frown upside down, but other than that, their date is fine: they take a dogsled ride, chop their own wood to warm a hot tub and basically talk about how they love Austin and Nashville. Then they go to a Dan & Shay concert and make-out the entire time. It WAS kind of a hot make out, but how pissed do you think the audience was? They didn’t pay to watch two people get after it...or did they? Luke gets a rose.

This episode marks the beloved dreaded two-on-one date, so this time, the guys on the group date are stoked. Who’s on the group date? Everyone but Chad and Alex, which means the rest of us are #blessed because they’ll be on a two-on-one. 

It’s the classic sports competition date and somehow Ben Rapist Roethlisberger makes an appearance. The guys play a “friendly” game of touch football, and J.Ro has ZERO advantage given that he’s playing for both teams (Ba dum bum). So let’s see, so far the firefighter got a date focused on firefighting, and the football player got a football player date. Do you think we’ll see a bootcamp date for Alex & Luke, and maybe a flaccid penis date for Evan?

Highlights from the group date: James Taylor bleeds from a head wound and Evan gets ANOTHER bloody nose just from looking at Chad (says Chad anyway). 

While the losing team makes their way back to the house, Luke, Alex and Chad sit around and try to work things out. The convo went something like this:

Luke: Dude, why do you think everyone hates you?
Chad: "The only way I can get you to shut your mouth is to hit you in it."
Luke: Good talk.

The next morning, while Chad and Alex wait for JoJo to pick them up, Chad assesses what’s happening in the house and takes a poll to see who really doesn’t like him. Somehow surprised when everyone raises their hand, we’re then treated to some of the best Chad-isms ever: (Thank you, Thrillist for the full list.)

Chad: "You don't talk to me, you don't talk to me, you don't talk to me. At all. Not one word. Don't ask me advice, don't talk to me about my life."
Chad: "You think this is a show. And you think you're safe, for now. But one day, this ends. And when this ends, you go home. When you go home you think I can't find you? You think I won't go out of my way, to come to your house? I'm dead fucking serious."
Chad: "You wanna go outside, RIGHT NOW? Let's go outside, RIGHT NOW. Do YOU wanna go outside? Get up then. Go."

At long last, Chad and Alex (who is dressed appropriately for his mission to send Chad home) head out to go hiking in the woods with JoJo, armed with machetes and hatchets. Whose idea was this??

We don’t see the three of them spend much time together before JoJo takes Alex away to talk about Chad. Meanwhile, Chad paces the rocks and assures himself that “Nobody ever buys the first house they look at,” and “She's gonna keep Alex around because she doesn't want America to think she hates short people.”

Alex tells JoJo that Chad threatened her future husband, Jordan, and that crosses a line for her. When questioned about his actions, Chad smiles like a sociopath and says the only way to shut people up is to hit them. When asked if he can find a better way than violence, he wants to know if she has any suggestions.

While JoJo goes to think, Chad walks back to Alex with his machete in hand, and asks him why he can’t shut the hell up. 

Chad: "I'm not very happy with you. I'm not very happy with you. With you. I'm not maaad... I'm just disappointed."
Alex: Stop threatening people, bro.
Chad: "I don't want to have to physically fight you, but if there's no way to stop you from saying what you're saying, then I will physically have to hurt you."

Oh, the irony.

After Chad and Alex debate the deliciousness of milk, and some comment about blueberries and paper airplanes we get this:

Alex: “Hay’s in the barn, dude.”
Chad: “Pigs are in the castle.”


For a fleeting moment, I was terrified JoJo would keep Chad over Alex. She’s worried that he’s going through a hard time after having lost his mom. That actually did make me feel bad for Chad for a second, but then I remembered that he literally said, “I'm going to cut everyone here's legs off, and arms off, and there's gonna be torsos, and then I'm gonna throw them in the pool,” and my mind got right again.

Giving Chad one final opportunity to clear the air, JoJo asks, “Did you threaten people in the house?” And Chad, God bless him, said, “It’s not 100 percent false.”

Akin to leaving Olivia on the island, JoJo leaves Chad alone on that rock as she and Alex hike away to be alone.

Except they’re not alone, and neither are the guys. Everyone poked the Chad-bear, and now he’s on the hunt.

PS - it goes without saying that all of the whistling and window tappings was creepy AF.


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