Cry for Me, Argentina: Bachelorette Recap

Alright guys. It's 11:45pm on Tuesday night, and I admittedly am not SUPER into writing this post right now. BUT I had more than a few people tell me they couldn't wait for my blog this week, so here I am, and I'm going to give you the best that I can.

Disclaimer: I've had 2 glasses of wine and am exhausted.

I don't know about anyone else, but I am BORED without Chad. Sure, this week had drama, but there ain't no drama like the Chad Bear drama 'cause the Chad Bear drama don't stop. right?

Anyway, I was all about the location of this episode, as hubby and I went to Argentina last fall and it was absolutely amazing. However, I could have done without all of the horrible Spanglish, red dresses and Evita.

The guys learn that for THE FIRST TIME IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY, there will be another 2-1 date, a 1-1 date and a group date.

Wells gets the first 1-1 date and his date card says to "b├ęsame her already, muchacho!" That means, KISS HER YOU FUCKING IDIOT. The guys are beside themselves that Wells hasn't kissed JoJo yet, and while I do think there's something to be said for the whole "waiting for the right moment for your first kiss" thing...it's been 6 weeks and that's a long time in Bachelorette land OR IRL to wait for a first kiss. So...methinks Wells' time is up.

Sure enough, after talking about how it wasn't the right time to kiss her for about 15 minutes, he determined the right time time to kiss her WAS while in spandex and being thrown around a pool. They kept saying it was sexy but..."no mas." When JoJo straight up castrated Wells by high-fiving and congratulating him like an asshole, I knew Wells' time was up. And when JoJo said goodbye, I think all of America felt personally victimized.


FareWells!

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the group-date card comes, and Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex are going to live la vida boca, while Chase and Derek (aka Jim from the office) face the 2-1.

The group date heads to La Boca, which was one of mine and Bryan's favorite spots in Argentina. It's a "barrio" and is super cute. I have pictures of all the places they were, so that was fun to relive! The guys kick soccer balls to get a kiss with JoJo and despite Robby actually paying off some kid, James is the only one who "scores" so he gets to kiss JoJo.

To capitalize on his win, he finds it appropriate to tell JoJo that her boyfriend Jordan is SPOILER ALERT: "Jordan Rodgers. Whatever that means."

....yes, James...whatever that means? Also, does James not remember that the last time someone said something about JoJo's future husband, he was left in the woods? I'm not entirely sure why James thought JoJo needed to know "the truth" about Jordan. Which is in this case that he insisted his rules were THE RULES of a poker game.

I'm also not entirely sure why JoJo needs to "confront" Jordan about it, but she does, and needless to say, he's less than pleased when JoJo confronts him. I think he's as confused as the rest of us upon learning that his "character" is being called out because of a poker game. After JoJo flips his hair for him, Jordan returns back to the group and he is intensely swirling his wine like a motherfucker.  

Awkward doesn't describe Jordan's disdain for James, and I've gotta say, James doesn't do a GREAT job of defending himself. And by that I mean he basically backed down like a coward.


Luke gets the rose because I forgot to mention earlier that she and Luke were basically having sex during their time together.

Onto the 2-1 with Derek and Chase. I've gotta be honest. This is boring. Watching these two tango with the Salsa Dancer Emoji, and watching her reaction to them both, I know in my heart that neither of these guys is going for Gold. While I like Chase, I do find him fairly....emotionless? I did get a good chuckle when he proclaimed that "Tangoing on a 2 on 1 date is stressful." Rough life, buddy.

JoJo: "Do you even like me? Like, at all?" 
Chase: "Yeah, totally." 
JoJo: "Cool, here's this rose."

And Derek...well, Derek cried his fucking eyes out while "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" played on, so.... there's that. Nice edit producers! Also, he talked about himself in the third person. So...bye, John Krasinski!


Rose Ceremony time! JoJo's blue dress is all kinds of amazing.


She tricks everybody into thinking she's not going to give out the last rose and instead, she is a total PUSSY and gives out two roses. So no one goes home.


WHY IS ALEX SO SMALL? Sorry, but it's just a matter of time before Alex and James go home. And by "a matter of time," I mean next week. Alex knows it, too. Looks like hometowns go to Luke, Jordan, Chase and Robby.

It's 1:23am. BYE!

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