Cry for Me, Argentina: Bachelorette Recap

Alright guys. It's 11:45pm on Tuesday night, and I admittedly am not SUPER into writing this post right now. BUT I had more than a few people tell me they couldn't wait for my blog this week, so here I am, and I'm going to give you the best that I can.

Disclaimer: I've had 2 glasses of wine and am exhausted.

I don't know about anyone else, but I am BORED without Chad. Sure, this week had drama, but there ain't no drama like the Chad Bear drama 'cause the Chad Bear drama don't stop. right?

Anyway, I was all about the location of this episode, as hubby and I went to Argentina last fall and it was absolutely amazing. However, I could have done without all of the horrible Spanglish, red dresses and Evita.

The guys learn that for THE FIRST TIME IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY, there will be another 2-1 date, a 1-1 date and a group date.

Wells gets the first 1-1 date and his date card says to "b├ęsame her already, muchacho!" That means, KISS HER YOU FUCKING IDIOT. The guys are beside themselves that Wells hasn't kissed JoJo yet, and while I do think there's something to be said for the whole "waiting for the right moment for your first kiss"'s been 6 weeks and that's a long time in Bachelorette land OR IRL to wait for a first kiss. So...methinks Wells' time is up.

Sure enough, after talking about how it wasn't the right time to kiss her for about 15 minutes, he determined the right time time to kiss her WAS while in spandex and being thrown around a pool. They kept saying it was sexy but..."no mas." When JoJo straight up castrated Wells by high-fiving and congratulating him like an asshole, I knew Wells' time was up. And when JoJo said goodbye, I think all of America felt personally victimized.


Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the group-date card comes, and Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex are going to live la vida boca, while Chase and Derek (aka Jim from the office) face the 2-1.

The group date heads to La Boca, which was one of mine and Bryan's favorite spots in Argentina. It's a "barrio" and is super cute. I have pictures of all the places they were, so that was fun to relive! The guys kick soccer balls to get a kiss with JoJo and despite Robby actually paying off some kid, James is the only one who "scores" so he gets to kiss JoJo.

To capitalize on his win, he finds it appropriate to tell JoJo that her boyfriend Jordan is SPOILER ALERT: "Jordan Rodgers. Whatever that means."

....yes, James...whatever that means? Also, does James not remember that the last time someone said something about JoJo's future husband, he was left in the woods? I'm not entirely sure why James thought JoJo needed to know "the truth" about Jordan. Which is in this case that he insisted his rules were THE RULES of a poker game.

I'm also not entirely sure why JoJo needs to "confront" Jordan about it, but she does, and needless to say, he's less than pleased when JoJo confronts him. I think he's as confused as the rest of us upon learning that his "character" is being called out because of a poker game. After JoJo flips his hair for him, Jordan returns back to the group and he is intensely swirling his wine like a motherfucker.  

Awkward doesn't describe Jordan's disdain for James, and I've gotta say, James doesn't do a GREAT job of defending himself. And by that I mean he basically backed down like a coward.

Luke gets the rose because I forgot to mention earlier that she and Luke were basically having sex during their time together.

Onto the 2-1 with Derek and Chase. I've gotta be honest. This is boring. Watching these two tango with the Salsa Dancer Emoji, and watching her reaction to them both, I know in my heart that neither of these guys is going for Gold. While I like Chase, I do find him fairly....emotionless? I did get a good chuckle when he proclaimed that "Tangoing on a 2 on 1 date is stressful." Rough life, buddy.

JoJo: "Do you even like me? Like, at all?" 
Chase: "Yeah, totally." 
JoJo: "Cool, here's this rose."

And Derek...well, Derek cried his fucking eyes out while "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" played on, so.... there's that. Nice edit producers! Also, he talked about himself in the third person. So...bye, John Krasinski!

Rose Ceremony time! JoJo's blue dress is all kinds of amazing.

She tricks everybody into thinking she's not going to give out the last rose and instead, she is a total PUSSY and gives out two roses. So no one goes home.

WHY IS ALEX SO SMALL? Sorry, but it's just a matter of time before Alex and James go home. And by "a matter of time," I mean next week. Alex knows it, too. Looks like hometowns go to Luke, Jordan, Chase and Robby.

It's 1:23am. BYE!
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Mean Girls in South America: The Bachelorette Recap

What a letdown to be treated to TWO days and FOUR hours of The Bachelorette, be left in suspense, wait TWO WEEKS for a new episode and then...We got that?

I can't believe after all that, all we got was two mere minutes of Chad Bear. What a tease! Typical ABC.

After a protein powder cremation celebration in honor of Chad's departure, Chad lurks outside the cabin until he's, for some reason, let back in. I don't know about you, but if it were me, there's no way I'm letting that guy back in. He's been kicked off the show, so technically he has no consequences if he walks in and makes good on his promises to kill everyone (or at least beat their ass).

But, it's Daniel, so he does let Chad in, and nonchalantly asks, "What's up, dude?" Yeah, Chad...what's up? Not much, he says.

Yeah, man. Not much. You didn't just get sent home from your 2-on-1 date. It's not weird at all that you're back at the house with guys who can't stand you. Who, in fact, just had a funeral for you and called you the "worst person anyone has ever met." Even less weird that you feel like now's the time to blame everyone else for your departure, and that when given yet ONE more opportunity to redeem yourself, you continue to be an asshole. Don't ever change, Chad. We'll see you in Paradise!

Can somebody get Evan a new shirt already?

The guys rejoice Alex's return and prepare for another cocktail party and rose ceremony. It becomes pretty clear during the rose ceremony that even though Chad's gone, Alex is actually Regina George and finds new prey in house. In a last ditch effort to stay James F. makes JoJo cry with a super lame poem about her treasure of heart. (Isn't that a different Jameses thing?) We say goodbye to Daniel and James F., but not before Daniel pathetically admits that he has a terrible personality and makes the most bogus analogy ever about Evan staying on the show and Daniel getting struck by lightening by shaving his legs face? Yeah, I don't know. He raises a good point, though...


The crew is finally off to somewhere cool...URUGUAY! Jordan gets the first one-on-one South of the Border Equator, and on one is happy. Seems like now that Chad's gone, the guys need a new "Chad" to pick on. Jordan is the clear favorite, so the guys choose him.

While Jordan and JoJo are "sealing the deal" on a boat somewhere, the guys MYSTERIOUSLY get their hands on an US Weekly a barber shop. So, they can't have phones, can't have books, can't have ANYTHING...but somehow they get this magazine that just so happens to feature a scandal about JoJo? Right.

The guys get their boxers in a wad while getting fresh by barber Vinny and all of them worry that JoJo is still in love with Chad. (Not be confused with THE Chad. This is her EX Chad. In summary: Chad=douche).

Back on the JoRo date, JoJo needs to ask Jordan about one of his girlfriends that she met. YEP. So, to recap: JoJo coincidentally met one of Jordan's ex-girlfriends before she knew she was going to be on the show? MmmmKay. Jordan tells her that her concerns are unfounded because he didn't "physically" cheat on his ex-girlfriend. is that like when you have an "emotional affair" with someone, or some other bullshit? Jordan is an ex-NFL player, and sorry, but the dude has player written all over him. Do I still think he wins this whole thing? Yes, but that doesn't mean I buy his bullshit. JoJo does, though, and that's all that matters.

JoJo decides that her future hubby not physically cheating on his ex = AMAZING POTENTIAL and returns home from the date on Cloud 9. That is until the producers let her know that the guys have been crying all night about her scandal, which gets her crying, and then she has to explain herself to the guys, who accept her story as easily as she accepted Jordan's.


What is Chase wearing?

The next day is the group date with everyone except Jordan and Robby, and honestly you guys, I didn't even really watch it. Because sand surfing? Sounds stupid. Plus, they got rained out and just spent the whole date talking shit about each other, but mostly Alex talked about how Derek was a douche for asking JoJo to reassure him with a rose. Alex calls Derek a whiny bitch, which is ironic, given that is what Chad called Alex, too. Derek gets a pity rose.

Robby's one-on-one is up next. They do the classic "walk about town" and "jumping off a cliff is like falling in love" date. Except then Robby actually DOES tell JoJo that he's in love with her. But not after he told her about how after his best friend died, he quit his job, dumped his girlfriend (who now makes out with Chad on Instagram) and came on the show. All in all, sounds like his feelings are for real and he's here for the right reasons.

(She says, her voice dripping in sarcasm.)

At long last, the SECOND rose ceremony is upon us. Derek feels the need to clear the air with Alex, Jordan and Chase about how they're actually "mean girls." (Points for Derek for giving me the title to this week's blog.) And that just pisses the guys off more because they need time to prep for their time with JoJo (that they never get) during the rose ceremony (that never happens).

Alas, we finally say goodbye to Vinny, Evan and Grant. Kudos to Evan for continuing to rack up the Bachelorette Fantasy points on his way out with tears.

Current Top 4 picks:
1. Jordan
2. Luke
3. Robby
4. Chase or Alex
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Heavy Heart, Little Hands

I've been struggling the past few days to put into words what I've been feeling in the wake of the past week's tragedies. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about the latest mass shooting in Orlando. Or the Stanford rape case. Or the toddler who was drowned by an alligator. All of this, in addition to the political state we're in and the countless other hate crimes and terrorist acts that flood the news every day.

I cannot express how much your view of the world changes when you have a child. You are so much more aware of mortality. Of the bad things. Fear and anxiety over "what ifs" can be crippling if you let them.

Children are so innocent. They believe in unicorns and superheroes. They don't know about things like hate, racism, sexism, violence, politics, judgement, bullying and death. And they shouldn't have to. But because of all that's going on in our world today, parents are being forced to have those tough conversations.

I'm thankful that Liam is not at an age where I don't have to explain to him why a man walked into a nightclub and opened fire on a group of people because of their sexuality. That I don't have to explain why a white college boy raped an unconscious woman and was not given the same sentence as a a black man who committed the same crime. That I don't have to explain why people are judging parents who went to Disney World to fulfill their toddler's dream of meeting Mickey Mouse, for letting him play on beach where millions of other children have played before him.

As a mother, or parent, it's our sole responsibility to teach our children right from wrong. To shape them into being kind, decent, tolerant human beings. The pressure of such responsibility is heavy.

As parents, we should not have to fear our children going to school. We should not fear them going to the mall. We should not fear going to church with our families. We should not fear going to a movie or a dance club or letting them go to a party.

Our children should not live in fear of bad men and women who do bad things. How do I tell him that nowhere is safe? It's not even a matter of being careful...because these tragedies are happening where innocence thrives. Nowhere feels safe anymore.

I want Liam to know that the world is beautiful and that kindness, and good people and equality DO exist. I want him to know that hate and entitlement are not acceptable behaviors. I want him to know hate is weak. I want him to know that a little kindness can go a long way.

I will teach him patience and manners.
I will teach him that it's OK when people have different opinions and it's not OK to react to those differences in other way than respectfully.
I will teach him to love every person of every race, sexuality, religion, political party and lifestyle.

The fact remains that the world in which we live is scary and demands change. I don't know what the change is. I don't know how to make it happen. People need to accept that our freedoms include difference of opinion, and that the answer to that difference is not a mass murder or hate crime.
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Don't Poke the Chad-Bear

We’re left with Chad walking back into the house and I’m pretty sure we were all expecting a reenactment of the Red Wedding. (I don’t watch Game of Thrones, but I do know that reference.)

Instead, Chad makes an attempt to level with the guys by basically saying “Leave me alone and I won’t fucking kill all of you.” Evan wants an apology and a new t-shirt, but like Evan’s chances of winning this show, it ain’t happening. 

JoJo arrives and takes off her clothes, and everyone shuts the hell up. During the cocktail “pool party,” the guys do a synchronized dive and Evan gets a bloody nose. (Yes, from diving into a pool. SMH.) JoJo and Jordan drunkenly go off together to plan their future while JoJo kisses her OWN knee. Let’s be real:  Is there even a chance that Jordan doesn’t win this whole thing? If there is, SHOW ME.

JoJo comments on Chad being “lathered up,” Chad comments on Evan being a pussy (while simultaneously eating more meat, protein shakes, lettuce and sweet potatoes), Robby talks about how fast everything is happening, Derek comments on Chad being a dick, and yep, you guessed it: Chad creates more drama.

In case you missed it, this is Chad’s take on the pool party:

"I don't get why they're all happy with each other, and they're gonna be all happy to see her in a bathing suit. I'd be happier having her not be in a bathing suit, so they couldn't see her in a bathing suit. I know what she probably looks like, I can tell through her dress." 

Let’s pause. Chad’s a true asshole, to be sure. But we’re all kidding ourselves if he’s not the reason we’re tuning in to the show. I read something the other day that I totally agree with: When it comes to female villains on The Bachelor, we’re limited to two types: sluts (a la Courtney Robertson) or crazies (a la Olivia). 

But on The Bachelorette, male villains can be a slew of things: misogynistic, violent, drunk, too obsessed with the girl, too obsessed with the show, a cheater, fame-seeking...and Chad is amazing because he’s a mixture of MANy of these things. And he’s kind of a sociopath to boot. We all know the villain rarely wins (two female villains have one that I can think of..Vienna + Courtney). We yell at the leads for giving them rose after rose, and yet, we’re BORED when they leave! 

So, that said...we know Chad’s gonna get a rose after the pool party. Despite his conflicts with literally EVERYONE, despite Evan’s threats to leave...he’s still here. And somehow, so are Vinny and Daniel, while we say goodbye to Ali, Nick and Christian.

Pack your bags, gentleman. We’re going to….PENNSYLVANIA! Wow. JoJo, does it really, “ feel so good to be in Pennsylvania”? No, it fucking does not.

Moving on from Chad, Luke gets the next one-on-one. I like Luke. JoJo likes him, too. I would not be even a little surprised if it was Jordan and Luke at the end of this. 

Luke needs to use some Rodan + Fields to turn that frown upside down, but other than that, their date is fine: they take a dogsled ride, chop their own wood to warm a hot tub and basically talk about how they love Austin and Nashville. Then they go to a Dan & Shay concert and make-out the entire time. It WAS kind of a hot make out, but how pissed do you think the audience was? They didn’t pay to watch two people get after it...or did they? Luke gets a rose.

This episode marks the beloved dreaded two-on-one date, so this time, the guys on the group date are stoked. Who’s on the group date? Everyone but Chad and Alex, which means the rest of us are #blessed because they’ll be on a two-on-one. 

It’s the classic sports competition date and somehow Ben Rapist Roethlisberger makes an appearance. The guys play a “friendly” game of touch football, and J.Ro has ZERO advantage given that he’s playing for both teams (Ba dum bum). So let’s see, so far the firefighter got a date focused on firefighting, and the football player got a football player date. Do you think we’ll see a bootcamp date for Alex & Luke, and maybe a flaccid penis date for Evan?

Highlights from the group date: James Taylor bleeds from a head wound and Evan gets ANOTHER bloody nose just from looking at Chad (says Chad anyway). 

While the losing team makes their way back to the house, Luke, Alex and Chad sit around and try to work things out. The convo went something like this:

Luke: Dude, why do you think everyone hates you?
Chad: "The only way I can get you to shut your mouth is to hit you in it."
Luke: Good talk.

The next morning, while Chad and Alex wait for JoJo to pick them up, Chad assesses what’s happening in the house and takes a poll to see who really doesn’t like him. Somehow surprised when everyone raises their hand, we’re then treated to some of the best Chad-isms ever: (Thank you, Thrillist for the full list.)

Chad: "You don't talk to me, you don't talk to me, you don't talk to me. At all. Not one word. Don't ask me advice, don't talk to me about my life."
Chad: "You think this is a show. And you think you're safe, for now. But one day, this ends. And when this ends, you go home. When you go home you think I can't find you? You think I won't go out of my way, to come to your house? I'm dead fucking serious."
Chad: "You wanna go outside, RIGHT NOW? Let's go outside, RIGHT NOW. Do YOU wanna go outside? Get up then. Go."

At long last, Chad and Alex (who is dressed appropriately for his mission to send Chad home) head out to go hiking in the woods with JoJo, armed with machetes and hatchets. Whose idea was this??

We don’t see the three of them spend much time together before JoJo takes Alex away to talk about Chad. Meanwhile, Chad paces the rocks and assures himself that “Nobody ever buys the first house they look at,” and “She's gonna keep Alex around because she doesn't want America to think she hates short people.”

Alex tells JoJo that Chad threatened her future husband, Jordan, and that crosses a line for her. When questioned about his actions, Chad smiles like a sociopath and says the only way to shut people up is to hit them. When asked if he can find a better way than violence, he wants to know if she has any suggestions.

While JoJo goes to think, Chad walks back to Alex with his machete in hand, and asks him why he can’t shut the hell up. 

Chad: "I'm not very happy with you. I'm not very happy with you. With you. I'm not maaad... I'm just disappointed."
Alex: Stop threatening people, bro.
Chad: "I don't want to have to physically fight you, but if there's no way to stop you from saying what you're saying, then I will physically have to hurt you."

Oh, the irony.

After Chad and Alex debate the deliciousness of milk, and some comment about blueberries and paper airplanes we get this:

Alex: “Hay’s in the barn, dude.”
Chad: “Pigs are in the castle.”


For a fleeting moment, I was terrified JoJo would keep Chad over Alex. She’s worried that he’s going through a hard time after having lost his mom. That actually did make me feel bad for Chad for a second, but then I remembered that he literally said, “I'm going to cut everyone here's legs off, and arms off, and there's gonna be torsos, and then I'm gonna throw them in the pool,” and my mind got right again.

Giving Chad one final opportunity to clear the air, JoJo asks, “Did you threaten people in the house?” And Chad, God bless him, said, “It’s not 100 percent false.”

Akin to leaving Olivia on the island, JoJo leaves Chad alone on that rock as she and Alex hike away to be alone.

Except they’re not alone, and neither are the guys. Everyone poked the Chad-bear, and now he’s on the hunt.

PS - it goes without saying that all of the whistling and window tappings was creepy AF.
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Mad at Chad: The Bachelorette Recap, Part 1

Wow, guys. I don’t even know where to start. This is my first official “Bachelorette” blog of this season, and there’s SO much to cover.

First of all...JoJo is hot. She’s got a bangin’ body, great boobs (fake, yes?), amazing hair…I think we can all agree. I, along with the rest of America, like JoJo and I think she’s gonna bring it this season.

The first two episodes were great fodder to set the stage for the rest of the season. The first episode, I felt like we got a real sense of the types of men JoJo likes...none of which are like the former love of her life, Ben. You know, that guy she keeps talking about? Here’s a hint, JoJo: Don’t continuously talk about your ex-boyfriend when you’re in the running for your future hubby. It’s not a good look.

Usually I feel like after the first episode, we have a really good sense of who’s gonna be the top dudes right away. I definitely felt that with Jordan and Luke, but the rest of the group was kind of up in the air for me.

The second episode gave us more in terms of what to expect this season. Most pleasing, we get to meet Chad, who started the episode by giving a group toast that essentially was, “Fuck you all.” And when I say “essentially,” I mean, literally. He literally said “Fuck you all.” 

We also get several glimpses into Chad's misogynistic, sociopathic, meat-loving mind…but I digress.

Let’s dig into this season of The Bachelorette starting with part 1 this week’s two-episode nail biter!

(Seriously though, I was biting my nails. Chad is fuckin’ scary, dude. All those scenes with him whistling through the woods while he plotted acting out his death threats? CREEPY is an understatement. I’m getting ahead of myself.)

Part 1 (Monday) kicked off with what looked like a scene from Neighbors: passed out dudes, empty champagne glasses, half-eaten trays of deli meat and bros talking about how much they can bench.

Chase gets the first one-on-one date, where and he JoJo “get physical” with some hot yoga. By “get physical” I mean they had something called anger-gasms and then Chase tried to not get a massive erection while JoJo straddled him. (Seriously though, that had to have been hard. Pun intended). Both JoJo and Chase conclude that they feel a connection and that “yoga isn’t that bad.” I wonder if they know it doesn’t always have a happy ending? Sexy yogi time is followed with a traditional dinner they don’t eat, a private concert by one of the Lady Antebellums, and Chase gets the rose. I like Chase, so all good there.

Next up was the group date, featuring Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F. (who?), Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, St. Nick, Erectile Evan, Little Alex and The Chad. Damn, there’s a lot of dudes still here. And about half of them are sitting around in half-zipped hoodies with nothing underneath.

The Chad is pissed he was invited on the group date because he’d rather get one-on-one time. Of course, that pisses off the guys who aren't getting dates this week. Jordan calls Chad stupid, Chad calls Jordan pathetic because all he’s ever done is “throw a piece of leather,” Little Alex chimes in and gets called a midget. This is straight out mean girls, ya’ll.

Let’s pause: Alex is hot. Why does he have to be so short? And why does Jordan have to have that annoying piece of rogue hair?

The guys finally leave for their date, and are brought to a show. But not just any show: A SEX SHOW. Not just any sex show: a SEX STAND-UP show. I know, right?

The guys’ reactions were the same as mine when the first “performer” came out and starting having an orgasm. I mean, what is this, the Vagina Monologues? Nope. The guys legitimately had to go on stage and tell a funny story about a sexual experience. The Chad is not into it because he thinks his sexual history is “none of JoJo’s business.” Wait, sorry. Sources just confirmed that it’s not that his sex life is none of her business, it’s that she hasn’t EARNED the right to know about it. Who the fuck is this kid?

Here’s the problem with Chad: He speaks the truth. All he does is talk about how the other guys are idiots for saying they’re falling love with JoJo so early, that he'd rather not go on a date with 12 dudes, that no guy wants to tell an embarrassing sex story in front of a girl they just started dating...All true. but hearing it from Chad, who's clearly an asshole, just makes you want to do something crazy, like defend this show and all it stands for.

Because really, that's what's happening here, right? Chad's not playing the game. He's not that into JoJo. He's not into making friends with the guys. He won't sing along to songs with the guys or do choreographed swimming. And that, as we all know, is bad for the franchise, so I have a feeling that's where his villain edit came in. Well that, and he truly is a dick.

Anyway. Grant goes first and everyone is laughing, but I feel like it could be at his tight ass pants, not his story. Evan uses the opportunity to talk about how steroids can cause erectile know, because Chad uses ‘roids and Evan specializes in erections. The other guys LOVE it because it means someone other than them is calling out Chad, JoJo doesn’t get it, and Chad looks like he’s going to murder Evan while he sleeps. Instead, he just rips Evan’s shirt when he meekly tries to cross Chad’s path, and then says that Evan was the one who pushed him.

Right. Ever hear the phrase, “Pick on someone your own size?”

Chad decides to not play along and asks JoJo to join him on stage where they can create their own sex story in front everyone. Except JoJo denies him hardcore and that just pisses The Chad off even more, while the other guys are absolutely giddy. 

At the cocktail party afterward, everyone’s wearing black leather jackets, Chad interrupts literally every 1-1 time and it becomes clear that JoJo and Jordan are gonna bone sometime this season. Evan pulls the “it’s him or me” card on JoJo, and while I’m not sure why, she gives Evan a rose and asks him to stay, despite Chad being there. He’s a pussy, so he said yes. 

PS: Another Chad truth after Evan gets the rose: "Is this a real scenario right now? Like you’re actually, right now, vibin this dude?” (Damn it, Chad, get out of here.)

Meanwhile, when asked about his bad behavior, Chad pulls the, “It’s not me, it’s them,” and JoJo falls for it. I think she has a thing for Chads. (P.S.: Ex-Chad is DEFINITELY making an appearance this season.)

James Taylor gets the next 1-1 date. The two get dressed up to go swing dancing, then sit in a car sipping something hopefully alcoholic out of thermoses. Honestly, nothing sticks out about this date other than the fact that he made her cry with another song. He seems a little too nice for her, if you ask me. I think she kinda likes the bad ones.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Chad nonchalantly is chowing down on a fucking RAW ASS SWEET POTATO while a chubby “bodyguard” roams the perimeter. Sorry, but methinks that dude isn't going to be able to do shit to defend himself against Chad, let alone anyone else.

The bros learn that there will be no cocktail party...but there WILL be a pool party. JoJo wants to see the bods on these bros. Evan feels the need to tattle on Chad to Chris Harrison (he’s getting so many points in my Fantasy league!), and Chris confronts Chad. Somehow they get to talking about steroids and Chad assures him he wouldn’t have been able to get them on the property (I know you all caught that, too). Chris tells Chad to “settle it” and Chad’s immediately disappointed to learn that he means with his words. Wamp wamp.

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