This Week on The Bachelor: I Love You Gate

At long last, we are down to everyone's favorite episode: The one with all the sex.

And this season, with sex also comes LOVE, except for one poor gal who instead of an I love you got awkward silence and heartbreak.

So let's start there.

Caila's up first first. The first portion is a total snooze, as we basically watch Ben and Caila float down a river in silence, while a voiceover from Caila talks about how her head's not in it because she's worrying about other the two girls. Foreshadowing at its finest.

Can we pause for one second, and also talk about how Ben says that he and Caila have the deepest relationship of all the ladies? So...just so we're clear: Caila, the girl he also identifies as "smiley" and complains that she's not opening the one he is closest with. Right...

Ben doesn't get what's got Caila's tongue (it's not him, at least not yet). I don't know, Ben! I'm going to guess it's the very premise of the show that's got Caila down because she knows she's got a good chance of getting dumped this week on national television.

Later that night, Caila fills the awkward silence by telling Ben she loves him, to which he responds with an open mouth kiss and invitation to sleep in his bed that night. Caila the sex panther eagerly agrees and viewers are given a gratuitous shot of 1 million fireworks. We get it...fireworks=SEX!

Caila's cool with the fact that Ben can't say I love you back (little does she know...) because she can smell it on his breath. What wait? That's Olivia level of stupidity, Caila. You're better than that.

I still don't buy Caila. She's full of well-thought out, fully formed sentences and platitudes, and nobody is that full of smiles, giggles and perfection. She even wakes up from the overnight date literally looking like the poster child for #iwokeuplikethis.

Up for Sloppy Seconds is Lauren B. I don't even really need to go on because seriously: IT COULDN'T BE MORE OBVIOUS THAT HE PICKS LAUREN B! Anyway: Ben and Lauren set some turtles free into the ocean, and that was pretty cute, but I felt kinda sad because it seems like they were setting them free only to kill them.

Lauren is super nervous to tell Ben that she loves him. Terrified times about 1million, to be certain, but when she does utter those three little words, he says HE LOVES HER, TOO! Not just a regular, "I love you, too." He says that he's loved her for a while. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT, BEN! But he does—over and over and over again. And then she laughs/cries and they cuddle and talk about how much they love each other and even though it's super cheesy, it kind of makes me melt.

Cut to gratuitous shot of Lauren B's dress crumpled on the floor. We get it...crumpled dress + I love you=SEX!

And instead of a generic compliment about looking beautiful in the morning, Ben thinks it would be fun to "play house" with Lauren. They're getting married, guys. FO SHO. Because Lauren loves Ben, and Ben loves Lauren.

Once again, we save the best for last: JoJo. So, it must be said: Ben starts off this date basically saying that his choice is this: Figure out if he loves JoJo or send her home. He doesn't want to send to her home, so what's the choice? Hey, JoJo, I love you, too! I'm getting ahead of myself.

After a lovely afternoon of jumping in waterfalls, JoJo musters up the courage to tell Ben through tears that she loves him. And in response, he says...HE LOVES HER, TOO!

I remind're not supposed to say that, Ben. Not to one woman and DEFINITELY not to two.

JoJo's reaction to his declaration was priceless. "What?" she whispers. "Are you allowed to say that?"
No, JoJo, he's not.

These girls know what's up. They've watched the show. They know that it's not "allowed" for the lead to say how they're feeling until the final rose. So when each one hears, "I love you" multiple times, no wonder they were confident in their relationship.

Anyway, back to JoJo. As they tell each other how much they love each other, Ben tells her he's a little worried about her crazy ass brothers and she kind of apologizes, telling him that she wishes she could have stood up for him. I'm confused why she couldn't?

Ben doesn't care about all that because HELLO, he loves her! Cue gratuitous shot of Ben and JoJo on the bed in their underwear swimsuits. We get it...two nearly naked people + I love you=SEX!

OK, so, to recap: Ben loves two women and Caila's going home. But, because Bachelor producers are scum of the Earth, someone tells Caila it'd be a great idea to surprise Ben at his hotel room to remind him how much she loves him and how little he loves her in return.

Exhibit #1039842734 why I can't stand Caila: The way she jumped and frolicked around Ben's hotel room, giggling and nibbling on her fingers as she wondered where Ben art thou. And when she "found him" outside, contemplating how he was going to break up with her, it was all I could do to not scream,"SURPRISE, YOU'RE DUMPED!"

And she was.

For the first time this season, Caila shows a slight semblance to a real human with real emotions and accuses Ben of feeding her a line and insisting he doesn't have to flatter her. "I'm just gonna go," Caila says. I don't think you have a choice, honey.

But WAIT! In one last act of desperation, Caila jumps out of the limo and wants to know when Ben knew he didn't love her. In other words: Was it before or after you fucked me, and then two other women, Ben?

Somewhat pacified by Ben's response that it was AFTER they boned, Caila buckles up for safety and drives away. Dry your tears, Caila girl. I have a feeling you'll have 25+ men vying for your heart in no time. And when you do, I will not blog about it because you bore me.

Rose ceremony time, and obviously we know the outcome. JoJo and Lauren both tell Chris that they are in love—as in, each of them, mutually, with Ben—and so they are confident, and Ben and his sister wives live happily after after.
Final thoughts: As much as I love JoJo, I think she's too strong for Ben. What makes me the most mad is that she most likely won't be able to be The Bachelorette because she's final two. Which leaves us with Caila. Wamp wamp.

Next week: The Women Tell All, and that means OLIVIA is back!


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