Strength in the Name of Cankles: A Bachelor Recap

I'm not quite sure what happened this week, but tables turned in the house of crazy. The episode opened and closed with tears and shit talking, and in between there was more of the same.

Let's Bach Cap:

Lauren B. gets tapped for the first one-on-one. Why you would bring a flight attendant on an airplane date, I'm not quite sure, as it's pretty much the equivalent to taking Amber on a date to the bar where she works, or Rachel to her house (#funemployment). Nice, I guess? I'm also not sure why Ben thought the plane ride with Lauren was so amazing, given that all they said the whole ride was, "Wow," 83,498,731 times and the rest of the time they awkwardly pecked each other on the lips in headgear. 

They fly to a desert in the middle of nowhere, and a jacuzzi just happens to be waiting for them. I know I'm not the only one who noticed that every date so far has involved a hot tub. I'm convinced it's the same hot tub and they just keep moving it from place to place to save money. Sisterhood of the Traveling Hot Tub. 

They proceed to make out a lot. “It feels like we’ve done this before,” marvels Lauren, who apparently suffers from short-term memory loss. The rest of the date is kind of a snooze, but I like Lauren B. for the most part. Except for how she seems to have a crush on her Dad, which is weird. Nonetheless, I'd put good money on her sticking around for awhile.

Back at the house, we get our first glimpse at Caila's crazy when she starts CRYING because she loves Ben and can't get over the fact that he's going on dates with other women. No one tell her, but THAT'S WHAT THE BACHELOR IS!

The girls are called up for the group date, in which Team Stars is pitted against Team Stripes in a "soccer game" that should have embarrassed women across America. "Zero ball-handling skills" is the understatement of the season. Rachel gets a lot of airtime, which usually means one of two things: She's going home or we're going to see more of her. Remember when I mention a dark horse last week? She might be it. 

Olivia has a Tonya Harding moment when Rachel gets hurt and Olivia says she's going to "take advantage of it." Her team wins, and the rest of the girls head back to the house in tears.

Of course, Olivia steals Ben away immediately and the girls take the opportunity to be incredibly catty and talk shit about Olivia's toes. Yes, you read that right. Now, Olivia provides many a reason to shit talk, but HER TOES? Toe-shaming should not a thing. Olivia had her first (and only?) relatable scene when she says,"Am I aggressive? Yes. Do I have bad toes? Yes." Amber gets the rose, but Olivia's not worried because he touched her thigh, and that means MARRIAGE, people!

Here's where things started to get super weird. Jubilee, who's been worried this whole episode that she's not Ben's "type" due to her being complicated (and brunette), gets the next one-on-one. Ben shows up late to the date, which (rightfully) annoys Jubilee, so when he picks her up, she makes a joke about it. And then, when she realizes they're flying somewhere (she's scared of heights), she makes another joke asking if anyone else wants to go instead.

And in that moment, Jubilee apparently personally offended and deeply hurt every girl in the house, turning her into a three-headed, cocky bitch who needed to go home yesterday. (The girls opinions, not mine.)

On the date, Jubilee is awkward and funny and real. She calls Ben "white boy" to test his sense of humor, and spits out caviar because she likes hot dogs. They get into a hot tub (I'm telling you, it's the same one from Lauren B.'s date) and they have a weird convo with awkward shoulder shrugs and sexual innuendo. At dinner, she tells Ben she's the only surviving member of her immediate family, and she feels a lot of guilt about that. (And, Ben, seriously? What kind of guilt?) Ben reassures Jubilee that she's strong. Jubilee is probably thinking, "Thanks, White Boy! I'm a war veteran, so you bet your ass I'm strong AF!)

I don't get the controversy with Jubliee. To me, she seems like a badass war veteran with rough story (next Bachelorette, anyone?). Yes, she's a little awkward and standoffish to the other girls, but who cares? They all are.

The girls are livid that she's gotten a rose, and Lauren H. has the balls to say that she doesn't think Jubilee is the kind of girl Ben is looking for because she can't see her setting up playdates with soccer moms. And why is that, Lauren, because she's BLACK? Her comments made me super uncomfortable, and I could not shake the feeling that a lot of the comments made were about race.

Just when you thought the drama had reached it's peak (And none of it from Lace!), Ben arrives to the rose ceremony and shares that two close family friends were killed in an airplane crash, so he's feeling a little down. Olivia, as she does, swoops in to steal him away, where she can TOTALLY relate to how he's feeling because she has cankles. Because everyone knows the best way to help someone is by making it about you.

You can't make this shit up. When she started fucking CRYING about her cankles and then said some bullshit like, "I can't be strong all the time," I wanted to vomit. Her behavior this whole episode is how I know she's not winning it all. All the comments about Ben being her husband, and how she thinks he's subtly letting her know that he needs time with her too, and that his hand on her thigh or lower back means he loves her? CRAY CRAY, you guys! Ben gets his first glimpse when she has the most shallow conversation ever rather than comforting him, and for that I am grateful.

Jubilee on the other hand, sets up a massage table for Ben to make him feel better, which the girls interpret as being SUPER AGGRESSIVE. They still aren't over the joke she made about giving up her one-on-one, and Amber tries to talk to her about it. AKA, she tries to bring Jubilee into a room full of women who loathe her, and Jubilee confirms, "This ain't cute!" before shutting herself in the bathroom. Ben goes to see what's up, and Amber takes it upon herself to then confront Jubes in front of Ben, who stuck up for her, and I admire that. I bet Ben regrets giving Amber that rose, and she seals her fate for the rest of the show in that moment.

Lace disappointingly leaves on her accord before the rose ceremony, stating that she needs to work on herself. She quoted her tattoo, you guys, so she's SUPER serious. Anyway, we're all a little disappointed, but I think we saw this week that Olivia is there to pick up the crazy that Lace left behind. See you in Paradise!

Jami and Shushanna don't get roses, and Jami, whom I literally didn't know was on this show until tonight, hates all humans. WHY ARE THE TWINS STILL HERE?

I'm stumped as to my winner predictions, but I still like Rachel, Leah, JoJo (even though she was a bitch to Jubilee) and Lauren B.

What do you think guys? Who do you like and hate?


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