Just the 10 of Us: Bachelorette Recap

Something is messed up with my scheduling here. I scheduled this post to go up yesterday and my 4th of July post to go up Monday, and here we are at 10:30 Wednesday night and this didn't get published! In any case...here was my take on the hometowns of the Bachelorette. 

As we get to this point in the season, I find writing these recaps to be harder because there's not nearly as much or as many people to make fun of. By this point, we know all of Andi's quirks (i.e. resting bitch face and the awkward rose pose). We know that Marcus dropped the L bomb too early, that Chris is too nice, Nick's not nice enough and Josh is her type.
In any case, when there's family involved, there's bound to be at least someone or something to make fun of.

Andi's first hometown is in Milwaukee, where Andi and Nick both seem to freeze their asses off most of the time. Nick's infinity scarf obsession makes more sense now. The asshole's just cold. Nick takes Andi to his "favorite place" in Milwaukee - a grocery store! Let's be real, this is not Seattle.  Don't try to play up the city market as a selling point. To that point, Andi, don't act like you've never been to a brewery before. And to the both of you, don't act like smelling beer brewing is actually pleasant. Anyone who's been to a brewery before (aka everyone) knows that beer does not smell good until it's make its way into your glass, ready to drink. Also, I don't believe for a second that Andi has never heard of The Polka. By the way Nick, pretty sure it's not a "Wisconsin dance." So pretty much, this date has been a bunch of lies.
Next Andi and Nick go to his parent's house, where his 250 siblings are waiting, including a 9-year old girl who I thought was Nick's niece. Seriously though...isn't 20+ years a little much of an age gap? Like, how old is Nick's mom? Speaking of being 9 years old, instead of talking to her like she was young, Andi talked to that chick like she had a learning disability. "Do you know what a mental connection is?" No, and and #noonecares. Nick's family was nice enough, but at the end of the day, we all know he sucks, so let's just move on to Chris.

I must admit, I like Chris so much more than I did the first episode. He seems like a truly nice guy, so I'll have to get over his teeth. Plus, I have a feeling I'll have to stare at them a lot more given my predictions of him being the next Bachelor.

Chris takes Andi to his farm, where she acts like he's showing her the Eighth Wonder of the World. "YOU DRIVE THIS? SHUT UP." "THIS IS YOUR HOUSE? SHUT UP." "YOU LIVE HERE? SHUT. UP." No Andi, you shut the fuck up. Why don't you tell us all how much of a MAN Chris is?
They go for a picnic in the cornfield where Andi wonders what she'll do for work in Iowa. As though there's no lawyers in Iowa. Andi claims she's a country girl at heart because her family has a lake house in Alabama. Yes, that's a serious statement. Chris woos here with a cutesy little I love you sign on an airplane (I'm sure this was the talk of the town!), but despite that, I think it's pretty clear here that Andi ain't gonna cut it in Arlington, Iowa, population 500, of which Chris' family makes up half. His family was super nice, as most folk in Iowa are. (I'm from there, I say that confidently.) However, it's still not going to be enough for her, in my opinion. We shall see..

Next Andi shows up in Tampa to see Josh wearing no pants, another clue that this is the man of her dreams. Josh's entire date is a snooze fest. Either Josh is talking about baseball or they're talking about his brother, who in case you missed it, now plays for the Kansas City Chiefs. I don't really have much to say about this date. Underwhelming, for sure. Foreshadowing for the life they're destined for when she picks him.
Oh, Marcus, you little rodent look alike, you. Marcus takes Andi to a strip club in a strip mall to kick off their date. You know, normal. Nothing says "I love you" like taking off your clothes with disco lighting. Marcus  introduces Andi to his abusive and apparently European mother, and also to his brother. I honestly can't think of anything witty to say about this date. I was bored.

Eric Hill Thing
The Eric thing. I'm not sure what to think of this. I think it was good they addressed it. I mean, they had to, given that they showed him on the show. The whole thing was just really uncomfortable watch. It got even more uncomfortable when they "put down the cameras" and the crew and producers were hugging everyone. It's a terribly sad situation, to be sure, but I still think Andi was upset mostly because she was a total bitch to this guy in their last conversation and no one wants that on their conscience. The good news is, I'm pretty sure Eric had moved on by this time and didn't think twice about it. Sad nonetheless and hard to watch.

Marcus goes home and I have to say I'm surprised - I thought Chris was a goner. Don't be too sad about Marcus ladies. I read a SPOILER that he is on Bachelor Paradise and gets engaged on the show, so I think he's just fine.

Can't wait for the fuh-fuh-fan-ta-ta SEEEEY dates!

1 comment:

  1. This is hilarious. I looked up who wins because I couldn't watch because of nick. I hate him so much. What's bachelor paradise?


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