Blame It on Iowa

The end is near, ya'll. The end of The Bachelorette, anyway. Not to fear, as Bachelor in Paradise starts up again soon, I'm sure the fodder for that show will be able to supplement a few solid blog posts.

My hubby is in New Orleans for the week and I had no interest in being home alone all week. Normally I don't mind it, but I realized the other day that in these days of "funemployment," I rarely speak until he gets home in the evenings, except to talk to Addy (my dog). So Sunday, we took to the road and I decided to relocate my job search to Iowa, where I could spend my days with nieces, nephews, parents, siblings and friends.

On Monday night, I watched The Bachelorette with my mom. Now, something to know about Ma, as we lovingly call her: She talks a lot and is filled with one-liners that she doesn't even know she's providing. Soon after we started watching the show last night (during all the fluff at the beginning) I realized she was going to talk the whole time-- so I started taking notes. So, today's recap is color commentary, courtesy of my Mama. Direct quotes, with some context so you know why she was making said remark. You can see where I get my humor. Enjoy!

Nick's Date
"Ugh, Nick is such a worm." (As soon as he gets out of the car and is talking about how he wants to tell Andi he loves her.)

"Awww, look at the hearts!" (Referring to the heart shapes seen in the water from the helicopter.)

"Wow, look at the water. It's beautiful. Say it again, Andi."

"Oh, cute, they have matching suits." (In sarcastic tone.)
"Don't ask me to get out of the water right now, Andi!" (While they are passionately making out in the ocean.)

"Yeah, with 20 cameras around!" (When he says he has such a connection with Andi.)

"Stubbornness? Red flag!" (When talking about his breakup and how his ego was bruised.)

[I commented on Andi's resting bitch face, which she was making when Nick was talking to her about his broken engagement. My mom declared she looks like a Grouper.]

"Grouper face!" she shouted, proudly.

Good call, Mom.

"Uh oh. Uh oh. NOPE, she's not into it." (As he stumbles and says "um, um" and can't spit out I love you.)

[evening portion]


"What are you wearing, Nick? What a dork." (In reference to his neon outfit he wore in the evening, which was dumb, I agreed.)

During Nick's story: Laughing out loud, nonstop, followed by, "What a dork." (seriously though...that was incredibly stupid.)

"What a dork." (When he told Andi what he loved about her, instead of saying I love you.)

"Do they have to make those SMACKING noises?" (While they make out on the couch.)

Josh's date
"She should pick him because he doesn't dress stupid like Nick."

"You can see your bra, Andi!" (Talking about Andi's outfit."

"God, he's a horrible dancer." (Dancing in the streets of the Dominican.)
"Get over the baseball thing, Josh. Why do you have to play baseball when you're in the Dominican Republic?"

"Uh oh, hands are pretty high up on the thigh there, Josh!" (as they sat on the bench talking about Josh's hometown.)

"Yep, that's who she's gonna pick. She doesn't kiss Nick like that." (after he tells her he loves her.)

"Grouper face!"

"Her hand's on his crotch!" (still on the bench.)

"You can really see her bra now." (In her interview when she's talking about how amazing the day has been.)

"It's not that hard honey! Just beat 'em. Ask Rachie." (When Andi is talking about how she won't know how to discipline her children.

[Still in reference to disciplining kids]
Mom: "Slip 'em a Mickey." Me: "What's a Mickey?" Mom: "See, it worked!" (I looked it up and a "Mickey" is a drink laced with drugs to make the drinker unconscious. Thanks, Ma!)

"Wanna say that one more time?" (after Josh says "we've gone through a lot already" more than once.)

"Smack smack smack!" (while they make out.)

[evening portion]
"Uh oh." (She was getting nervous when they talked about Andi stereotyping Josh.)

"Oh for Gods sake." (Disgusted by Andi talking about Josh being too goofy.)

"Grouper face!"

"Oh, what's this. He's gonna say no to the Fantasy Suite."

"OK cameras, time to leave!" (as they enter the Fantasy Suite.)

Chris' date
"Let me grab ya by your hips and haul your ass up!" (As Chris hoists Andi up onto the horse.)

"Well then you ain't gonna cut it in Iowa hun! (Said in twang, as Andi is panicking on the horse.)

"Country girl? Yeah totally. (Chris talking about how Andi is a country girl.)

"That's beautiful? It looks like Iowa." (As they talk about the fields they were riding horses through.)


"'I wanna work in bum fuck Iowa!'" (Sarcastic voiceover for Andi as she talks about his mom being a city girl.)

"Another hand high up on the thigh." (As they got ready to play Ghosts in the Graveyard.)

"Is that a gun in your pocket, Chris, or are you just happy to see her?" (After a crotch shot of Chris.)

[I went to the bathroom at this point and when I came back she said:] "You didn't miss anything. They were playing Ghosts in the Graveyard in an ugly field."

[evening portion]
"That's real enthusiastic." (Sarcasm, when Chris asks Andi what she thought about Iowa, and she said it's "great.")

"I'd be fricking bored, Chris!" (When he asks her how she feels about 'the Iowa thing.')

"Grouper face!" (Laughing hysterically, points and laugh, as Chris says there is room for smart attorneys in Iowa.)

"If you were truly in love, it wouldn't matter." (Andi says she doesn't know about living in Iowa.)

[As she's telling Chris she doesn't have the same feelings him, my mom interjects the real reason from Andi]:
"I like Josh and Nick better and I already had sex with them and I don't want to confuse myself!"

"That fuckin' sucks, Andi." (Doing a voice over for Chris, as he actually says something very nice to her.)

"Push her in the pool!" (When they stand up to walk Chris out.)

"They grow 'em good in Iowa." (In twang, referring to what a good guy Chris is.)

[Starts singing 'I Can't Make You Love Me' as Chris is in the limo driving away.)

"Go back to the farm and think about it while you drive your tractor." (As Chris says he doesn't know what to do now.)

Rose Ceremony
[Mom came back from the bathroom and Andi was still talking to Chris.] "She's still yacking?!"

"Pretty color, ugly dress."
"Nick's pants are too short!"

"Of course you're excited, you just slept with them!" (After Andi gives them both roses and they accept.)

Me: Thanks Mom, you just wrote my blog recap.
Mom: WHAAAAT? I didn't even say anything!

Happy Tuesday!

5 comments:

  1. haha your mom sounds hilarious. AND for the record my family has grouper face when we concentrate real hard (or when my dad is reading a menu without his glasses) and have called it that for years. haha too funny.

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    1. Love it! The similarities are uncanny....

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  2. OMG that was great! Love me some MA!

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  3. First of all, this is hilarious and spot on!!! Second, I'm from Iowa. Still here :) Iowa girls are the best!

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  4. omygosh!! she really does look like a grouper!! Crazy

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