Mime Me a Story: The Bachelorette Recap

This week we're in France, where Chris Harrison is dressed like..this.

I missed the beginning, but am joining in where apparently Andrew called Marcel a blackie? C'mon man, you're a social media manager. You know that is not in the community guidelines.

Josh and Andi are on a one-on-one date and after we see Josh's hand linger on Andi's waist for too long, we find out, in case you guys didn't know, JOSH IS AN ATHLETE. Not much to report here except that these two obviously are into each other. Also, how many private concerts do you think Andi has to go to before she says, "enough is enough!" Josh acts amazed by this one-on-one concert, for which he loses points, but I still dig him, so it's cool. Josh for the win!

Just when I think this show can't get any more embarrassing, it outdoes itself. For this next group date, Andi takes them to do something very "French;" Miming. Something tells me the guys didn't like "miming" when Andi references "nonverbal communication." Not much to say about this portion of the day. (See what I did there?)

Moving on to the group cocktail hour, where we FINALLY get some good old fashioned drama between grown men. Meanwhile, Andi shows up wearing Chris Harrison's turtleneck from earlier, thereby ruining an otherwise cute skirt.

Cody goes off on Nick V and is reminding me of a ghetto Sean Lowe. Anyone?

Tonight is dog on Nick night, and everyone is spending their one-on-one time talking shit about him. No one has learned anything from this show in the history of ever. I think ABC is trying to edit Nick to make us not like him, but I don't mind him, personally. 

Once Nick gets his time with Andi, she calls him out on his bad attitude and tries to get him to confess to being an a*hole, which he does, but not really, and then he reads some god awful embarrassing poem. And apparently, that works in the land of The Bachelorette, because he and Andi go through some awful/awkward kissing/pecking. I don't know about Nick, but I think Andi likes him and he's sticking around. 

Sidenote: Andi gets SUPER nasally when she drinks, no?

Marcus drops the "falling in love" bomb again. NO, Marcus! Shave your face, Marcus! Stop kissing like that, Marcus!

Back with the rest of the children, Marquel confronts Andrew about his "blackies" comment, which of course, he denies. For the record, I don't think Andrew said the "blackies" comment, mainly because I think he's homosexual and is there more of the "everyone is equal" mindset. 

Brian's next for his turn at a one-on-one, and GOD DAMNIT I hate it when they do the dates around the cities and talk about how "normal" it is. IT'S NOT FUCKING NORMAL. They cook back at Andi's apartment and she - SHOCKINGLY reads way more into a situation than normal by wondering why Brian isn't coming up behind her stealing kisses, and why oh why isn't this is romantic as the movie? I think the answer is in that sentence, sweetheart. In any case, I can't really hear what Andi is saying since she's whispering, but I'm gonna go out a limb and say that one of two things will happen: A) Brian will say something that she likes and that sounds like it was from a movie and he'll stay or B) he'll go home.

Let's get to the rose already, cuz this shit is boring and for the love, stop PECKING. You're in France. Have you heard of a FRENCH KISS?

Rose ceremony time, and it looks like Andi is not only rocking an "Elsa" braid a la FROZEN, she's also pulling the 'I DON'T WANT A COCKTAIL PARTY' that happens every season. GASP, she wants to cut THREE guys and Chris Harrison braces her by saying "they're gonna be upset." Thank you, once again, for your insight Chris Harrison. 

Sidenote: Why does Andi hold the rose in front of her like that with her elbows out? It's nearly as annoying as her sinus probs.

Welp. Marquel is going home and people all over the world are calling this show RACIST. You should see how many people on Twitter want Marquel to be the next Bachelor, but that would mean the show ISN'T racist and we all know that...it is. 

My top four still stands: Chris, Marcus, Nick V. and Josh, with Josh taking it home.


  1. I seriously love your recaps! Every week I can't help but fixate on Andi holding the roses that way because she looks like she's getting ready to dive off a diving board or something!! Is it just me or do you find this season going downhill.....fast?

  2. oh my gosh you forgot to mention patrick's winning comment as he left "a lot of people have told me that i am a CATCH, not just women." okay. you pretty much just said you're gay...... that was like, the best of the whole thing. brian is very awkward but a good kisser. nick just needs to go i really hate him. i think they are editing him to be a villan for drama purposes but i am sure he won't stick around. i'm not sure about josh. i think marcus or jj will take the cake. chris. omg swoon.

    1. and yes, your recaps are HILARIOUS and i love them. blog more. the end.

  3. I am sad about Marquel, he's sexy. And I love Nick so I hope he stays around for a long while.


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