We're in Miami, Bitch - Bachelor Recap

The ladies are excited this week - they're in Miami, bitch! The episode begins with JP being SO EXCITED to see his darling Camila. Anyone else want to tell her not to kiss Daddy on the mouth?

The girls ponder who will get the one-on-one and we get a bit of foreshadowing as we see Sir Sharleen question whether or not she's doing the right thing by hanging around. (Ahem I called this conundrum in my first recap.) She is most definitely the least interested girl in Bachelor history. It's kind of awesome, but boring at the same time. JP hands her the date card and for some reason she is more confused about that than anything else. And even though she has 10 minutes to get ready for the date, it's plenty of time to stare out at the ocean and wonder if she and JP have a  "cerebral connection."

Why isn't anyone telling Sharleen that's NORMAL to not know if you want to marry a guy you've been out with three times?! I also want to say Sharleen is gorgeous, manly and awkward as she is.

The girls don't get why Sharleen is there, Sharleen doesn't get why Sharleen is there. At least we're all on the same page? JP gets why Sharleen is there and that is so he can make out with her forehead and flick his tongue into her mouth for hours on end. Sharleen also doesn't get why she can't stop kissing JuPa and me thinks it's because if they didn't, she'd have to have a conversation with him.
Because you see, as she has told us several times, Sharleen's "type" is intellectual men. Let's all remember that JP is confused by the word "bolt." But, luckily for Sharleen, JuPa is attracted to the "words that Sharleen use, how you speak. So proper."

I hate to tell you Sharleen, but if you're looking for a "mental connection," or "cerebral connection" or something "organic " or any other formal adjective that doesn't apply to love, you're not going to find it with JP. The guy is dumb, and doesn't speak or understand english, so if anything, the only mental connection you're gonna get is him driving you insane.

Sharleen even says that she wishes she was "dumber so that she could be like DUH..." and JP doesn't care at all. Clearly it doesn't matter what these girls say to Juan Pablo, his response is always a laugh, "ooh I like that" or "Jes" and a head nod and a tuck of their hair.
Of course, Sir needs to talk to someone and who better than the house therapist? Poor Renee. She should charge the girls for their therapy sessions. C'mon - she left her kid at home for a reason, and yet she's still playing mom to all these fools. Bless her heart.

Nikki get the next one-on-one date and hopes she doesn't have to dance again, but SURPRISE. Newsflash ladies, if you're on the Bachelor, you're automatically a dancing monkey, so you lose. Nikki finds out that while SHE doesn't have to dance, she's going to see--and meet--Camila and the rest of JP's family at Camila's dance recital. And while she's not panicked, she is nervous. Most likely because she's not wearing a bra. Sidenote: That is the saddest bunch of flowers I've ever seen.

Camila couldn't care less about Nikki, who looks so insanely uncomfortable meeting JuPa's family and interacting with Camila. Isn't she a pediatric nurse? Also, how hot is JP's ex-wife?

Afterward, Nikki and JP go to his "office" at Marlin stadium and Nikki's choice of outfit is a little questionable for "work." 
Seriously though, I felt like she was REAL close to showing a boob and she definitely showed her vagine.Also, why was there so much sweat and heavy breathing?
Nikki wants to know where she fits in to JP's life and he responds, "If the moon and the skies and everyone wants us to be together, then obviously that's how it is." Yes, that explains everything. JuPa likes Nikki because "She's thinking and I like that." Ay.

So Nikki -- I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he picks her. If she's the only one who met his daughter, that says something, and the rest of the show is just editing.

Sharleen tells the girls that she's leaving and no one seems surprised. I like Sharleen for the first time in this moment, because I feel like she's genuinely conflicted and sad. It's the most relatable she's been all season.
(Side note: I love that Renee is always having a glass of wine or a beer. I knew I liked her.)

In a fury of whispers and subtitles, Sharleen tells JuPa that she doesn't feel like she'd be ready to get engaged in 3 weeks time. As much as I didn't like her, I felt like I wanted him to say "you don't have to be! We don't have to get engaged!" That's what pisses me off about this show the most. Why is it an engagement or nothing? Can't you just let people find someone that they like a whole lot and let them just see what happens? I suppose not cuz then how would Neil Lane have any business, amIright?

JuPa seems totally OK while Sharleen is saying goodbye, but immediately breaks down in tears on the balcony as Sir walks away with the worst hungry butt in Bachelor History.
Group date time, and we see the closest thing to a helicopter that we've seen all season with a water plane. Chelsea spends time reading letters from home and I feel bad for her because it's so obviously going to be her that goes home.You can totally tell that Clare thinks she's getting the rose because that would mean it's a "sure thing." And because I can't stand her, it gave me great pleasure to see her  not get it, and to give it to my girl Andi.
Clare's pissed and complains that all she's been doing is watching JuaPa go on dates with other women. Um, you had sex with him in the ocean, so that's what you get for being a whore. On that note, JP has officially "swam in the ocean" with three of the five remaining women. Isn't anyone going to slut-shame him?

Clare and the others get back to the hotel and Clare is fixin' to get into a fight, and so she attacks Nikki for no real reason. Basically these two try to act like a badasses by telling each other not to interrupt and spending more time fighting about who paid for their suite than anything else. So, basically, worst fight ever.
Except when Nikki says that Clare's like a dog and that she peed on him first. And how has it not come up that Nikki met Juan Pablo's family?

The longer this episode goes on and we see all the girls talking about how they hope Nikki doesn't get to the end makes me feel more and more that she's the one JuPa chooses. And with how much Nikki is talking about how she doesn't have to around Clare much longer makes me think it's definitely these two in the final two. And that just makes me annoyed because I like the two of them less than I like Renee and Andi.

Rose ceremony time and after the most awkward silencio ever, JuPa tells Mr. Chris that he's going to" try and think." You do that, JP.

So next week looks interesting. I'm dying to know what went "Horribly Wrong" in the fantasy suite with Andi, and why everyone is crying. Does JuPa finally tell the girls he doesn't want to get engaged at the end of this?


  1. HAHA I had to quit watching this season. All he does is make out and NOTHING else! thanks for the recap it is all I have.

    Erica Jacquline

  2. I honestly look forward to reading your recap every week. You're so fucking spot on! I have to admit I was pretty happy when Sir Sharleen left. I was really over her and her "intellectual-ness". I was thinking the SAME THING about Nikki not mentioning she met JPs fam. Like, WHY wouldn't she throw that in Clare's face in the midst of their argument about interrupting each other?! I wish my two faves, Andi and Renee would put their game faces on and start being the front-runners, but unfortunately its looking like Nikki and Clare will be the final two, in which case 50% of the last episode will be silence. Can't wait!

  3. My mom says all he does is make out because he don't speak. I can't stand Clare. She thinks JP is her territory and property...get the f over yourself!

  4. omygosh you are so funny. I was a bit embarrassed for JP when he didn't understand that Sharleen completely just dissed him with her wishing her were dumber comment. The relationship would have never worked out with them. He was on love with her and she saw him as a boy.

    When Clare was upset about just having to watch other girls go on dates with him...I'm pretty sure that is what the show is about sooooo

    And I too was wondering why no one in the house talked about Nikki meeting his family. Interesting.


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