"Eeeesss OK." - Bachelor Recap

Oh man. Where to begin? I have so much to say and yet don't really want to say anything at all because...what is there to say? Other than the obvious, which is that this is THE WORST BACHELOR IN BACHELOR HISTORY and that is the only time that phrase will ever be true.

I mean, I think it's very telling that this creep has had not one but TWO women take themselves out of the running because they basically couldn't stand the guy.

Let's start with the hometowns. I think it's important that you know three things after Nikki's hometown date: the first is that Oklahoma Joe's is legit. The second is that I have ridden the same bull that they showed on the date. The third is that every time Nikki wondered aloud why she didn't tell JP that she loves him, I wanted to scream BECAUSE YOU DON'T!

Loved Andi's family. Hy kept it real and called Wapalo out for being a douche and her sister's name was Rachel. Wins all around.

Clare's family is cray cray. Where did she get her looks? Why have they not shared the fact that Clare comes from a family that speaks Spanish? Which one was Clare's mom?

Ultimately, he sent Renee home, which upset America by the looks of Twitter. She's one of those people though that we don't have to worry about, though. She's gorgeous, she's sweet - she even played Mom to Juan Pablo when they were saying goodbye. For those who want her to be the next Bachelorette, I'm with you, but something tells me that ABC won't do two single parents back to back.

Tonight's episode was all about the fantasy suites and a whole lotta drama. Clare gets the first overnight date and of course, spends her time talking about how she doesn't know if she should spend the night with JP. Why do girls on this show try to front that they aren't going to spend the night in the fantasy suite? Of course you are. Especially when you've had already had sex.

Ugh, Clare. Why does she pause for 5 seconds in between each word of  sentence? Why the duck face after every word? The scene where Clare told Wapalo that she "Loved falling in love"? I had a VISCERAL reaction. I literally scared my dog because I shuddered so much. Every second, from the baby voice to the long dramatic pauses to Juan Pablo rubbing her ear and her nose and her cheek...I couldn't. I didn't.

Andi's over night comes next and before dinner I think we witnessed  the first conversation of the season. Until Wapalo says "Andi could be the one because I like the way she is." Well since you put it that way...

JP is the worst. The literal worst. All he ever says is that he "likes that a lot." Or that someone "ees so cute." Also how many times do you think Juan Pablo has said pointed out,"You're thinking a lot today"? Anyway. Andi wakes up from this nightmare of a season and basically says what everyone has been thinking all season: Juan Pablo is a narcissistic asshole. We'll come back to that.

Nikki's date. What the fuck is she wearing, first of all? You know what, skip that, and let's just go to the part where Juan Pablo says that Nikki could be his wife because she's "honest, she's very pretty, sexy and cares about people and I like that a lot." Should make for a great long-term relationship.

Let's get to the good stuff. So many thoughts on the Andi situation and my fingers can't type quickly enough. It can be summed up as this: I LOVE ANDI.

Andi goes to talk to Juan Pablo and he basically he tells her that it's totally fine that she doesn't like him, doesn't think he cares about her and wants to go home. Which pisses her off. Juan Pablo blames his poor English again as he tells Andi that "eees OK" doesn't really mean "eees OK," but really... "eees OK." What?

To which she said the greatest line of this season which was, "I want to die if I hear 'eees OK,' again." You and the rest of America.

Juan Pablo is a straight up asshole. The fact that in his interview he said that he would have told her to go home anyway for causing an argument -- after she just tried to have a normal conversation -- is a HUGE red flag. Basically, he doesn't want any conversation, which is why he just kisses people and doesn't let them talk. Too much opportunity for things NOT TO BE OKAY.

"He doesn't get it," she says as she drives away. Have I mentioned I love Andi?

Not gonna lie--I saw a spoiler on social media and I know who wins and what happens, so I won't spoil it for the rest of you. I will just say that I have been right about more than one thing in my predictions. And that I can't wait for the Women Tell All. Also...Andi for Bachelorette?

Mainly because this, which is actually from Sharleen.
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We're in Miami, Bitch - Bachelor Recap

The ladies are excited this week - they're in Miami, bitch! The episode begins with JP being SO EXCITED to see his darling Camila. Anyone else want to tell her not to kiss Daddy on the mouth?

The girls ponder who will get the one-on-one and we get a bit of foreshadowing as we see Sir Sharleen question whether or not she's doing the right thing by hanging around. (Ahem I called this conundrum in my first recap.) She is most definitely the least interested girl in Bachelor history. It's kind of awesome, but boring at the same time. JP hands her the date card and for some reason she is more confused about that than anything else. And even though she has 10 minutes to get ready for the date, it's plenty of time to stare out at the ocean and wonder if she and JP have a  "cerebral connection."

Why isn't anyone telling Sharleen that's NORMAL to not know if you want to marry a guy you've been out with three times?! I also want to say Sharleen is gorgeous, manly and awkward as she is.

The girls don't get why Sharleen is there, Sharleen doesn't get why Sharleen is there. At least we're all on the same page? JP gets why Sharleen is there and that is so he can make out with her forehead and flick his tongue into her mouth for hours on end. Sharleen also doesn't get why she can't stop kissing JuPa and me thinks it's because if they didn't, she'd have to have a conversation with him.
Because you see, as she has told us several times, Sharleen's "type" is intellectual men. Let's all remember that JP is confused by the word "bolt." But, luckily for Sharleen, JuPa is attracted to the "words that Sharleen use, how you speak. So proper."

I hate to tell you Sharleen, but if you're looking for a "mental connection," or "cerebral connection" or something "organic " or any other formal adjective that doesn't apply to love, you're not going to find it with JP. The guy is dumb, and doesn't speak or understand english, so if anything, the only mental connection you're gonna get is him driving you insane.

Sharleen even says that she wishes she was "dumber so that she could be like DUH..." and JP doesn't care at all. Clearly it doesn't matter what these girls say to Juan Pablo, his response is always a laugh, "ooh I like that" or "Jes" and a head nod and a tuck of their hair.
Of course, Sir needs to talk to someone and who better than the house therapist? Poor Renee. She should charge the girls for their therapy sessions. C'mon - she left her kid at home for a reason, and yet she's still playing mom to all these fools. Bless her heart.

Nikki get the next one-on-one date and hopes she doesn't have to dance again, but SURPRISE. Newsflash ladies, if you're on the Bachelor, you're automatically a dancing monkey, so you lose. Nikki finds out that while SHE doesn't have to dance, she's going to see--and meet--Camila and the rest of JP's family at Camila's dance recital. And while she's not panicked, she is nervous. Most likely because she's not wearing a bra. Sidenote: That is the saddest bunch of flowers I've ever seen.

Camila couldn't care less about Nikki, who looks so insanely uncomfortable meeting JuPa's family and interacting with Camila. Isn't she a pediatric nurse? Also, how hot is JP's ex-wife?

Afterward, Nikki and JP go to his "office" at Marlin stadium and Nikki's choice of outfit is a little questionable for "work." 
Seriously though, I felt like she was REAL close to showing a boob and she definitely showed her vagine.Also, why was there so much sweat and heavy breathing?
Nikki wants to know where she fits in to JP's life and he responds, "If the moon and the skies and everyone wants us to be together, then obviously that's how it is." Yes, that explains everything. JuPa likes Nikki because "She's thinking and I like that." Ay.

So Nikki -- I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he picks her. If she's the only one who met his daughter, that says something, and the rest of the show is just editing.

Sharleen tells the girls that she's leaving and no one seems surprised. I like Sharleen for the first time in this moment, because I feel like she's genuinely conflicted and sad. It's the most relatable she's been all season.
(Side note: I love that Renee is always having a glass of wine or a beer. I knew I liked her.)

In a fury of whispers and subtitles, Sharleen tells JuPa that she doesn't feel like she'd be ready to get engaged in 3 weeks time. As much as I didn't like her, I felt like I wanted him to say "you don't have to be! We don't have to get engaged!" That's what pisses me off about this show the most. Why is it an engagement or nothing? Can't you just let people find someone that they like a whole lot and let them just see what happens? I suppose not cuz then how would Neil Lane have any business, amIright?

JuPa seems totally OK while Sharleen is saying goodbye, but immediately breaks down in tears on the balcony as Sir walks away with the worst hungry butt in Bachelor History.
Group date time, and we see the closest thing to a helicopter that we've seen all season with a water plane. Chelsea spends time reading letters from home and I feel bad for her because it's so obviously going to be her that goes home.You can totally tell that Clare thinks she's getting the rose because that would mean it's a "sure thing." And because I can't stand her, it gave me great pleasure to see her  not get it, and to give it to my girl Andi.
Clare's pissed and complains that all she's been doing is watching JuaPa go on dates with other women. Um, you had sex with him in the ocean, so that's what you get for being a whore. On that note, JP has officially "swam in the ocean" with three of the five remaining women. Isn't anyone going to slut-shame him?

Clare and the others get back to the hotel and Clare is fixin' to get into a fight, and so she attacks Nikki for no real reason. Basically these two try to act like a badasses by telling each other not to interrupt and spending more time fighting about who paid for their suite than anything else. So, basically, worst fight ever.
Except when Nikki says that Clare's like a dog and that she peed on him first. And how has it not come up that Nikki met Juan Pablo's family?

The longer this episode goes on and we see all the girls talking about how they hope Nikki doesn't get to the end makes me feel more and more that she's the one JuPa chooses. And with how much Nikki is talking about how she doesn't have to around Clare much longer makes me think it's definitely these two in the final two. And that just makes me annoyed because I like the two of them less than I like Renee and Andi.

Rose ceremony time and after the most awkward silencio ever, JuPa tells Mr. Chris that he's going to" try and think." You do that, JP.

So next week looks interesting. I'm dying to know what went "Horribly Wrong" in the fantasy suite with Andi, and why everyone is crying. Does JuPa finally tell the girls he doesn't want to get engaged at the end of this?
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This Week On: No One Likes Juan Pablo

Guys, I can't with this show anymore. I am about two disgusting make-out sessions from just reading Reality Steve and calling it a day.

I've been on my death bed since last Thursday and had to miss work yesterday. I was so stir-crazy by the time that 7pm rolled around, I was actually EXCITED to have something to do, like be entertained by the twits on The Bachelor and live blog. But after hearing JP refer to more than one of this chicks as his "special ones" and I was like:

So I shut my Blogger down and actually did work. Did you hear that? I WORKED instead of live blogging because that seemed like a better option than spending time thinking about these twats. So, of course this morning I took to Twitter to see what everyone else was saying and I've complied my favorites to share my thoughts on this week's episode. They're on point.

First up, we arrive in New Zealand and everyone's talking about how excited they are... 

Andi gets a one-on-one. PS I loved her one piece. She rocked it and I don't care what anyone says about that.
Group date: Everyone except Clare and Andi go on the group date. A pretty cool one, too. One that involved huge balls and sheep poop. And the rest of night, we see JP gross kisses EVERYONE. And he sends Cassandra home. ON HER BIRTHDAY!
Sir Sharleen gets the rose. Clare's one-on-one: 
Chris Harrison finally shows up for some man to man time. 
Rose ceremony time and Kat goes home. Womp womp. 

That does it for me kids. I"m not sure what Chelsea is doing here, seems to me he has much more of a connection with the other 4, so methinks my top 4 still stands with Clare, Nikki, Andi and Renee. Still pulling for Andi/Renee over the other two.

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Sex in the Ocean

Ugh. I can't even with this show anymore. Warning: This recap is not going to be funny or long because A) I'm in a bad mood and B) This show is so dumb.

Juan-on-Juan with Renee: I love Renee, but this date was boring. But boring in a good way, because I think Renee continues to be honest and real and no drama -- therefore, I can't make fun of her.

Group date: Everyone hates Clare, and I am in their camp. JP makes out with Clare on the boat in front of everyone, which causes everyone to feel like they are extras on Clare's one-on-one date. They "stop by" a house for dinner. Right ladies, (ahem, Chelsie), I'm so sure that JP just happened to stop and ask some random dude where you call could eat and he just invited you in and had a huge farm and space for 10 women. Cassandra even exclaimed, “We should have these in America!” "These" meaning FARM.

Is anyone else flabbergasted by Sir Sharleen's body? It's kind of amazing, yet she is not. Here's what bothers me about her: She plays passive aggressive and innocent...'plays' being the operative word.When JP tells her she's cute and she's all, "Is that a good thing?" Le duh.

Continue to love Andi, especially when she says, "Next thing you know, sucking face again, sorry Mom."

Clare and the ocean....just so we're clear, they definitely had sex, right? I mean, maybe I'm taking her asinine comments out of context, but...they had sex. They had to... right?

Next up: Nikki's Juan-on-Juan. He takes the girl repelling. Ya'll, I have DONE repelling and you know I am scared of heights. I LEGIT cried the whole time I came down, so again...no criticism from me. Except when the producers ask leading questions about if this adventure feels like love. Continue to like her and am certain she makes it far in this process.

Rose ceremony time, where Clare gave a toast “to finding love, being loved, and making love,” and JP pulls her aside and says, “I hope nobody knows. It was a little weird for me. I’m too fair with people … Maybe it wasn’t right. I have a daughter, I don’t want her to see what happens, if she sees it.” THEY DEFINITELY DID IT.

So, just so we're clear: Juan won't kiss more than 6 women because he doesn't want his daughter to think poorly of him, but he's totally cool with hooking up in the ocean? Got it.

Side story about Clare: My friend lives in and L.A. and her dad goes to the same gym as Clare. Apparently, she had been gone for a long time, and just recently came back 10 lbs heavier. She told her trainer she had to lose the weight fast for an important event in a few weeks. So...not giving anything about, but the fact that she was gone so long indicates that she makes it really far, maybe even to the final 2, and she needs to be in shape for the ATFR or the girls reunion. I hope it's the latter....I really dislike her.

However, it was totes inapprops for JP to basically slut-shame Clare at the rose ceremony. Telling her that he regrets it, hinting that it wasn't mutual, and that she is a bad influence on his daughter? If I were Clare, I would have given the rose back and left right there. At least JP realizes his mistake. #Sarcasm
And now, in a totally predictable turn of events, it looks like by next week, everyone will know what happened, and instead of hating JP, the real asshat in the situation, they'll all hate Clare.

Danielle finally goes home, and sadly, so does Kelly, and suddenly only 8 women are left. Making my hometown predictions:

1. Clare
2. Nikki
3. Andi
4. Renee/Sharleen

Be back tomorrow!

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