Juan-gham Style: Bachelor Recap Week 4

I can't take credit for that title. Someone at ABC actually has a sense of humor and I heard this on a voiceover with regard to the fact that this week, the girls and their man are headed to Seoul, South Korea.

And that's where we begin this week. Finally, we're getting to the good stuff: 'Catty' Shack baby.

Group date number one entails back-up dancing for an apparently popular K-pop group, 2NE1. (Not to be confused with 21.) The only one who's happy about this is Kat and Cassandra, since you know, they both "dance." (Could've fooled me.) Everyone sucks it up, including Nikki, who is the most upset about dancing and being on the group date in general, and then they all talk shit about Kat trying to steal the show. Wouldn't have guessed the girls to turn on Kat so early in the game but methinks its because they're jealous. (Isn't everything because they're ALL F*ing JEALOUS?)

Elise seems to always have a lot to say about the other women and their abilities as a mother. Chick is 26 and just because she's a teacher doesn't mean that she'd be any better. It doesn't matter though, because she brings up house drama on her one-on-one and, everybody say it together: "You're going home."

Nikki steals JP away for some alone time and they make out. From the looks of it and recalling last week's horrible kissing, JP might be the culprit. He does this little flick of his tongue before he goes in and it makes me want to vom. (He did it with everyone in this episode.)

Sir Sharleen gets a juan-on-juan date this week, and it's the classic "let's see the city" date where the girl (or guy) always likens the date to being on vacation together. Although I'm not a fan of Sharleen, I do give the girl props for being honest in that she needs to see more from JP to see if she's interested. It's close to the most normal response I've ever seen on the show. They go to a market, a tea house and some weird building where JP wants her to sing some opera, to which she responds:

"I don't want the early stages of any relationship to have anything to do with the fact that I'm an opera singer."

What? What in the hell does you being an opera singer have to do with a guy liking you? That's like Jen Aniston saying she doesn't want a guy to know she's Jen Aniston before she goes out with him. In any case, she sings and she's good, and then they do more awkward making out/tongue flicking/mouth grabbing and I hit fast-forward. I will say, JP talks more to her than anyone else. Everyone else, I feel like he's doing the asking or he's just awkwardly looking at them and no one is saying anything important, so I like the fact that they have real conversations. I just don't like her.

Group date #2, and these ladies are getting 'krazy'...by singing karaoke in a weird little dollhouse, drinking lemonade out of IV bags and peddling little boats around going nowhere fast. And then they get their feet eaten by fish and I want to throw up because EW.

Clare declares that eating octopus is the "epitome of her fears." Oh honey. I like Kelly the Dog Lover so much this week for calling out both Clare's dramatics and the fact that she's most definitely had "larger things" in her mouth before, but couldn't swallow a small little tentacle. C'mon now.

At the cocktail, JP and Andi/Renee have good talks, which makes me happy, because they're my faves. Some girl named Lauren, whom we've never seen before, attempts to dance with and kiss JP, who denies her, and sends the poor girl into a downward spiral. (She's clearly also going home.) And there's Clare.

"Oh my god. I ate octopus. Do you wanna know what happened? I threw up in my mouth but I swallowed it." OMG YAY Clare! You just made me ME throw up in MY mouth! I do not like her. I don't like how she takes so long to finish a sentence. I don't like how she asked, in the middle of a kiss, if she had chocolate breath. I don't like her little girl voice. DON'T LIKE HER.

Rose ceremony time and bitches be cray. Everyone hates Nikki, which I don't get. I like her, what am I missing?

As predicted, Elise and Lauren are sent home. No surprises here, except that Danielle is still around, because we haven't seen her speak more than twice so far.

Andi, Renee, Nikki and dare I say, Kelly, are my faves now. What about you?
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Do you Assept This Rose: Bachelor Recap Tres

Considering I haven't written about anything but the Bachelor for the past two weeks, you might not be surprised to know that this blog is a STILL a Bachelor recap -- just like, a week late.

For work, I had to cover an all-night party hosted by Red Bull that started at 8pm on Sunday and lasted until 2pm Monday. (No lie.) Said party involved a Ball Pit Room, a Pillow Fight Room, a Candy Room and a foam party in a hot tub in the middle of a club. It was the weirdest event ever, and I'm slight traumatized about things I saw, so that's as far as I'll share with you. If you have individual questions, email me.

Back to the Bachelor recap. I'll keep it brief today, as I watched it last night and was doing other household things and not live DVR blogging, so here's some quick thoughts on some of the ladies left standing and an updated top 10.

Cassandra: Mentioned no less than 4 times that this was her first date in three years. WE GET IT - you got knocked up when you were 18 (by a professional basketball player) and have been raising a child/milking your rich baby daddy this whole time, but now he's cut you off and here you are, living the life you've always imagined. #sarcasm

I totally get that JP is into the women who have children, but I feel like ANYONE who is a single parent trying to be in a relationship, there needs to be more in common than just having a kid. On this date, I felt as though the kids were the only thing they talked about. In other words...I was bored.

Sir Sharleen: Aka the opera singer. So many things. The fact that she got nailed in the face by the soccer bowl so many times. The fact that we DEFINITELY her very first kiss ever in the middle of the soccer field and it was the most disgusting and awkward kiss ever in the history of anything. And the fact that I called it in my first blog when I said she was going to be the one who questioned whether or not she was made for reality TV. Here's the truth, girl: You're Not.

Andi: Still one of my faves, but when she pulls the "Things got serious for me" card, I lost a little bit of love for. TOO EARLY, ANDI. Keep it real and you'll go far. (Especially since you got naked on national television.) Keep it real she did when she hopped over a counter IN A DRESS and ate day-old hot dogs in the snackbar.

Clare: Still don't like her. Could do without her mental breakdown. Am so completely annoyed by her and every other woman on this show who gets jealous because they have to share their boyfriend and watch him kiss other women all the time. GET IT TOGETHER, BITCHES. You are embarrassing.

Chelsie: Ah, the token [insert adventure here] is like falling in love because TRUST! Chelsie lost me with her horrific dancing in the car, and I also vomited while I listened to JP "sing" a song in Spanish. He doesn't really know English, get given that performance, it would seem he doesn't really know Spanish, either... Anyway, Chelsie basically took 10 hours to jump off a ledge and I can't even get mad at her, since I'm terrified of heights, too. What I can make fun of is all the "words of encouragement" that JP gave her while trying to coax her off the ledge. Best game of "That's what she said" ever.

“Relax, go back a little, do it for me, how do you feel, if you don’t want to do it it’s okay, if you can’t it’s okay.”

Renee: Still another favorite, even though she had to play mom AGAIN this week at least three times. I wish she'd spend more time showing JP how normal she is and less time playing "Hey,Ma!"

Kat: Somehow became the target of all the girls' fury this week because she was the only one with enough boobs balls to jump on JP's shoulder for a Chicken Fight. Still like her, still think she'll go far.

In the end, Christy and the homeless girl (Lucy) are sent home, which leaves 13-ish ladies, three of whom you already know are going home next week because we have yet to ever see them interact with JP.

Next week's picks to go home: Lauren S., Kelly, Danielle

Which leave the top 10 as:


Which means I was right about all of the top 10 except Elise and Cassandra (I had Christy and Lucy).

See you next time (maybe sooner than Monday, but let's not get crazy.)!

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The Hymen Maneuver

Well, I have to say, this episode was JUAN-derful. To sum it up in case you missed it, Clare and Kat both had terribly boring, hard-to-watch one-on-one dates, one girl got super hammered and had the world's best freudian slip (see blog title) and there was a group date featuring a naked chicks, puppies and a guy with a blue beard.

This is real life.

AND Chris Harrison was nary to be found. Maybe he was upset because the producers used all his cocaine to stage a fake winter for Clare and JP?

Speaking of, I found Clare's one-on-one date so hard to watch, for 1,001 reasons. You know it's going downhill fast when the girl mentions her future husband before even stepping foot out the door. That, coupled with literally everything else about this date. The blindfold out the gate? Slow dancing in bikinis? Clare dancing with her eyes closed like a 7th grader? Groping each other's asses, this time like 6th graders? JP's extremely short swim trunks? Saying that this date "stirred" something inside her (yuck.)? Saying Juan Pablo tasted like snow? The only thing not horrible about this date was Josh Krajick. As you know, I"m a reality TV junkie and he was my fave a couple of years ago. Clare seems nice enough but I'm not into her. She's of the Tenley and Ashlee Frazier variety and that just ain't my cup of tea. I need a little biotch in my life.

Kat. Apparently she and I have 26 mutual friends in common on Facebook. I can't quite figure out the connection, but I think she must have gone to the University of Iowa. For that reason alone, I automatically like her better than Clare.

So...I have mixed feelings about this date. Private jet? Awesome. The concept of an electric run? Not terrible. But a 5K run (dance?) on a first date, getting all sweaty and gross? Fuck that. I give Kat credit, she seemed to be a good sport about it, but then again, what are her other options? They don't show any other parts of the date, which was weird, but she gets a rose, no surprises there.

Next up, the group date. Let's talk about Kelly the "Dog Lover," who is good at eating cheese. No wait, let's not, because she is terrible. Seriously though, WTF is going on with these outfits?

Quote of the date "Being naked is not my comfort zone." You and me both, sister. Honestly though, I think I'd rather be naked than dressed like the giraffe/spotted alien like Dog Lover. Seriously though, forcing girls to get nude for a photoshoot? Not cool. Also not cool? Lucy nude-walking a dog. I maintain that she likes being naked because she's homeless and doesn't own clothes. Think about it: She didn't wear shoes on the first episode, and she noted that she borrowed shoes for this one. I'm onto something here. In the end, Andi and Lucy strip down with JP and successfully produce the most awkward looking photo ever. That is not a view of anyone, hot or not, that you want to see.

On to the "party," where someone is bound to get drunk and act like an asshole. I know this because of previews. Cassandra admits that she has a son. Anyone else notice when someone tells JP they have a kid, he gets like, an immediate hard on? Speaking of women with kids, Renee? Growing on me. I think JP digs her, too. She's not fake, she's older and she doesn't try too hard.

Oh. my. god: Victoria. I want what she's having. I'd put money on the fact that she is most likely the most embarrassed person in America right now, and if I were her, I'd be getting equally as wasted watching this episode so as to ease the pain. At least they cut the part they showed on previews where she said she wanted JP to die. My favorite one-liners:

  • "Jus want me some Hone Pablo time. All the time."
  • "If Hone Pablo just so happens to be mine, I'm gonna straddle him. Every day. Cuz that's what life is about. Straddling people...and things."
  • "I'm not a dog, I'm just a bitch."

And of course, when she not once, but TWICE referenced "the hymen maneuver."

Please oh please, JP, keep Victoria's crazy ass here. No such luck. Better luck with your next hymen, Victoria.

Rose ceremony was pretty tame, except for Cassandra's minor meltdown. But oh, how I was duped again by the Bachelor! I thought for sure based on last week's previews that Chantal would be around for awhile, but alas, she went home tonight! Amy was not a surprise, given that her "interview" was more uncomfortable than Victoria's meltdown.

So far, my top 10 is still here, but after tonight, I'm getting vibes that Renee, Andi, Clare and Kat will go far. Sir Sharleen is 10 thumbs down for me, but I think she'll make it pretty far, too. Andi and Renee are my faves.

Next week on the bachelor, the girls get jealous and don't understand why JP is spending time with other girls. Oh wait....

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Bachelor: Week Juan

Hey ya'll, Happy Juanuary! Ugh, God. I can't believe I said that. It's everyone's favorite, or if you're my husband, least favorite time of year. (Seriously, when he saw the show on the DVR, he said, and I quote "Oh, fuck.") 

Apologies that your Bachelor recap is a day late. I was working from home yesterday due to the freaking end of the world Polar Vortex or whatever the hell is happening, and as such, got sucked into my new favorite guilty pleasure, Pretty Little Liars. Also, I'm trying not to drink during the week, and I couldn't imagine watching this show without a large glass of wine. However, I'm proud to say I'm doing it right now, so lower your expectations. I'm much funnier when I'm guzzling wine. 

(Speaking of which, I'm halfway through the episode. Why isn't anyone being a drunk asshole yet?)

Let's rewind. I'm not going to comment on the beginning part, except to say that we all need to be honest with ourselves and admit that Juan Pablo is HOT, and I love that he brought his daughter and parents to the mansion so as not to miss a moment. 

Onto the limo: These girls were BORING! No one was super memorable, except for their boob jobs, and they all acted like they were meeting freaking Channing Tatum with how giggly and awkward and nervous they were. They also all did this weird little quick exhale that sounded like, "WHOOSH."

Rose ceremony/cocktail party? Also boring! It was just a bunch of giggling, gaggling boob jobs. And apparently, no one was drinking, including JP. (And, I guess...me.)

Overall, a few girls stood out: 

Single mom, Renee, whom Juan referred to as "Mama" and in return, she called him "Papi." I don't care if you're both single parents, you sound like Mama June and Sugar Bear.

Andi, the assistant DA who was last one out of the limo. First of all, she's hot and clearly smart. Seems cool right off the bat, and I'm placing her in the top 5. It's also possible she could turn out to be villainess of the season, but I haven't seen previews yet for the rest of the season.

Lauren (who's a mineral coordinator. WTF is that?) who cried all night (I'm shocked there wasn't more than one) and said her "life sucks" so she deserves a rose, and also admitted on TV that she bought her wedding dress 6 weeks after being engaged. My favorite was this dialogue:

Lauren: "What do I need to do to swoop him up?"
Cowboy Boots girl: "Seriously, you just need to go in and swoop him up." Cool advice!

I also loved that she spilled the beans about her engagement to JP and said she was over it. Girl...you're a hot mess and you are so clearly not "over it." Go on home to 'Bama. (Honestly, before she turned into crazy crying girl, I had her pinned for the long-term.)

Nikki the nurse seems nice and cool and sweet, which usually means she'll get eaten up by the Bachelor bitches. We'll see though, she has potential for the long game.

Chantel & Danielle, the two African American gals who are keeping the show from a discrimination lawsuit. Danielle is gorgeous and Chantel seems to stick around for more than one more episode, which could be a record. You go, girl.

Elise (gold sequin dress) should remember what show she's on. Hint: It's not a beauty pageant. 

Ashley. Another gold sequin dress. She talks way too seductively to be a 1st grade teacher. 


Can we talk about...the first impression rose going to 'Sir' Sharleen? (See what I did there?) First of all, she looked straight up scared shitless while he was going to get that rose, but I do give her credit for being real about things and basically being like, 'meh.' I also love that she said "sure" when asked to accept the rose. Basically, she's all, "LIGAS." (Like I Give A Shit.) These things aside, she annoys me already, and is clearly going to be the character this season who questions why she's here, cries about how hard it is, leaves on her own accord. Seriously though, why does she keep calling him sir?

Here's my guesses for the top 10 (in no particular order):
  1. Renee
  2. Chelsie
  3. Christy 
  4. Nikki
  5. Alli
  6. Andi
  7. Clare
  8. Sharleen
  9. Kat
  10. Lucy
Can't wait to make fun of these "lovely ladies" all season long with you! Hopefully they give me some good material. 

Warning: There will more than Juan way to make fun of them...muhahha.

PS - did anyone else think that in the last scene with shirtless Juan and Sean, Sean has put on some pounds?!
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2013 in Review

Hello to you, and happy 2014! I trust you all had an enjoyable holiday over the past two weeks with your family and friends. I know I did.

I don't know about you, but I'm excited for the new year. Something about fresh starts and new beginnings. That being said, I have no complaints about 2013. We went to Europe (twice), made several trips home to be with family, watched a few of our best friends get married, I got a new job...it was all an adventure and I look forward to the next year.

I decided I'm not going to do resolutions this year. Instead, I'm just going to focus on being more positive and grateful for the things and people in my life, and instead of hoping for things to change for me in the New Year, I'm going to spend time giving you all my positive thoughts and well wishes that you succeed in your resolutions.

One thing I'm proud of in 2013? I wrote 2x the amount of blog posts in 2013 that I did in 2012. Yay me. Hopefully I can keep that going in 2014. And now, for a brief look back at some of my favorite moments from the year:

The husband and I rang in the New Year last year in Europe, where we stayed for about a week into 2013. You can read about some of our adventures here, here and here.

I went to Kansas City with all of my besties for our annual girls trip. This time, we got to wedding dress and bridesmaid dress shop for my best friend's wedding!

My mom celebrated her 59th birthday and we threw her a surprise party in her hometown of Burlington, Iowa. We spent the weekend with my family, my mom's best friends and boyfriend, and it was just an overall awesome weekend. 

My long lost love, Ashley, came back from California to visit for our friend's surprise wedding! It was the first time we'd seen each other since she moved in October 2012, and I loved our quality time together!

My husband and I went on our traditional anniversary trip to celebrate our 2-year anniversary. This time, we went to Savannah, Georgia (which I fell in love with) and Hilton Head, South Carolina. As you well know, traveling is one of my favorite things to do with my person, so these trips will always be a high point for me!

We took a couple of different trips in June - one was a weekend spent in Iowa in June for Britt's bridal shower and Father's Day weekend, and another was to Michigan and Indiana for our friends' wedding. Both were welcome escapes from the hustle and bustle of the city and summer. 

Definitely 4th of July weekend when we went to Michigan for Britt's bachelorette party! I spent so much time planning and anticipating the week and everything was so much more fun than I could have ever asked for. AND - Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z concert, the best time EVER!

My first Lollapalooza experience (aside from breaking my toe) and of course, Brittany's wedding! AND our visit to California to visit Ashley. Aside from being gone the whole month, everything was unforgettable, amazing, unforgettable..did I say that already?. 

I turned 30, started a new job, had a one week staycation...need I say more? AND I completed the majority of my 30 before 30 list. Wahoo!

We went to Green Bay with the whole family for my very first home Packers game! Amazeballs.

We embarked on our trip to Europe over Thanksgiving, where we visited several cities in Spain and Portugal. I've been terrible about posting updates, but here's one.

Another trip to Michigan for winetasting with some of my favorite ladies, Sloanie and fam came to Chicago to visit, plus of course, being home for the holidays (post and recap TBD).

And that, my friends, is 2013 in a nutshell. Here's to another year!

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