Hoodies + Hairgel: Bachelorette Recap

So, I totes wrote this post on Monday night, planned to publish yesterday and just plum forgot. (Who says that?) The point is, I haven't written a recap for a while, so here you have it. Enjoy!

The show opens with everyone arriving on Madeira Island. Blah blah blah and then GIRL TALK!

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OMG, the Fab Four is back together again! Just kidding, don't call them that. But Des, Jackie, Leslie and Catherine get together to chat about the guys. Anyone else notice that we saw more of Jackie in this clip that we ever did in her season of the Bachelor? The only reason I enjoyed this completely fake segment of the show was when they were "spying" on the guys. Catherine asks, "Why is Brooks wearing a tank top?" and it was like the million dollar question that can be applied so many things this season: Why is wearing a brightly colored v-neck? Why is he wearing a brightly colored hoodie? Why does he seem like he likes boys?

Also leave it to Catherine who said, if you didn't catch it, "Who has the biggest penis?" and Des admits that she hopes it's Chris, followed up by "they're all going to be great lovers." Way to keep it PG, ABC.

Next up is the one-on-one with Brooks, which can be summed up by the following three words: "Snooze, snooze, snooze." How does she picture an exciting life with this dude? They spend their time repeating what the other just said. "This is really cool," he says. "It is really cool," she says. "It's so pretty!" she says. "It is really pretty," he says. ugh. And of course - the date was a DOUBLE metaphor.  Not only did Des and Brooks "break through the clouds," they "broke through their relationship!" And, they are on Cloud 9. A million times on Cloud 9. And of course, during their dinner date, we got the fireworks metaphor. God help us. Basically, Des loves Brooks, but Brooks isn't there yet, so...foreshadowing?

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Since she hopes he has a huge penis, it's no wonder why Chris gets the next (his second) one-on-one. They're going out on a private yacht—cue Titanic moment. After rubbing each other down on the boat, they head to a private island where we see Des wearing a hideous pair of white Keds with her sundress. They sit down for a picnic and of course—they write a poem together. These guys are so insanely cheesy. Don't get me wrong, I love romance, but...c'mon. I don't even know what to say about their dinner date. If you missed it, Chris basically wrote and read a poem that might as well have said, "Roses are red, violets are blue, I like poems and I love you." You guessed it: he dropped the L bomb! Oh Chris. I still kinda love you.

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Next up is Michael's long awaited date. I don't get these two. They say they have all this chemistry, but I don't see it to be honest. They do the whole "walk the town and shop" date that we always have, where they eat weird things and "buy" stuff, and then they decide to toboggan down the street. I had to fast forward during this scene after listening to the most annoying screaming coming from Des. I also decided she's incapable of describing experiences as anything other than "cool" or "pretty." Michael talks about his Daddy issues at dinner, while Des asks for the 10th time if a parent will like her. I think Michael's going home, but we'll see what the other date is like. (UPDATE: I was right).


Zak, Des and Drew head to the racetrack. Cue comments about hearts racing. "Love is like that rush of adrenaline that you get on the track." "The guys are racing for the rose." Des wants to see Drew let loose with adventurous Zak. I gotta say, Drew has grown me. I don't totally get the Zak thing, but I kinda do. Drew tells Des he's fallen for her, she cries and they kiss super passionately. The rest of the date is a snooze, and Drew gets the safety rose.

At the rose ceremony, Des basically says she's in love with Brooks, so...again, foreshadowing that it's not gonna work out? I'm personally wondering about the big bomb Drew drops. He obviously makes it through hometowns, unless he lives on a tropical island like we see in previews.

Next week should be interesting, as families almost always screw it up for someone on this show. (ie, Des last year.) Speaking of, Des' brother makes a return, which will definitely make for good TV.

Out of the final four, I hope Drew or Chris takes the prize.


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