The Bachelorette: Where Everything is Terrible

I'm excited that I've gotten requests asking if I'm going to write posts on the Bachelorette. The answer is OF COURSE, but it comes with a disclaimer: You see, women are so easy to make fun of. And judge. So, I'm not sure if this season will bring as many moments of which to make fun, but let's find out together, shall we?

Not much happened on the premiere last week. No one did anything SUPER weird (except for the guy who wore the knight gear). I felt sad for the doctor who tried to dance with Des. There are some lookers, there are others who I think may still be questioning their sexuality. But the majority seem to spend a lot of time in the gym, in front of the mirror and shopping for tight v-necks.

So, let's get started.

Brooks. I didn't like him in the first episode, but from the 15 minutes we saw of him tonight, I think he seems genuine and sweet! I could do without his hair, but beggars can't be choosers. Everything about this date was OK for me...except maybe when Des "decides to be spontaneous" and they should just take off in the wedding dress and tux and head for the hills! Oh, please. Does ABC think we're all new here?

Then Andy Grammar showed up. (Side note: I've actually seen Andy Grammar in concert. He's cute.) God I hate these stupid "private" concerts. Also, I'd be concerned if my date just let me relocate road closure signs. Anyway, I tuned out when they both starting singing completely off key. And then I threw up a little bit when they starting holding each other's hands and twirling around like to little kids playing ring around the rosie. He gets the rose and we get the feeling he'll be around for awhile.

 The twirling. Taken on my phone, sorry for the quality. 

The group date. Oh. My. God. Juan Pablo in chains? Hilarious. That dude is also H-O-T. I'll admit that it was funny that they had the guys making fun of previous contestants on the Bachelorette. But holy hell, these dudes are BAD at rapping, and not in a good way. And what the hell is SouljaBoy doing on this show? His career must've really hit rock bottom. In any case, everything about this was so uncomfortable and awkward.

Let's just skip to the part where some dude named Brandon is wearing underwear and says, "I have to jiggle my junk in her vicinity." What. The. Eff. And then they're blocking out parts of his ass because his said junk is apparently hanging out? Yuck. All in all, I've never seen a group of meatheads so off rhythm in my life.

Thanks for the visual, guy.

We don't need to say anything about Des' "rap." If you insist on watching this train wreck, go for it.

The rest of the date is boring. Ben is apparently the male version of Tierra, Mikey the Meathead doesn't like it, and Brandon gives me weird vibes. Probably because he was just shaking his penis at Desiree and now he's basically crying. Moving on.

Bryden gets the second one-on-one. I remember I liked him from the first episode. Any Army veteran is good people in mind. The date was pretty boring though, up until that very awkward end when he kept saying how "fun" and "awesome" everything was, so, Des sluts it up by basically begging him to kiss her. He gets the rose. The end.

One other thing: is a tragedy required to be on this show? We've got near-fatal car accidents, drug-addict mothers, absent fathers...and diabetes, guys. Not to say diabetes isn't a terrible disease to live with, but I think we can all agree that we were expecting Michael's mom to tell him that his dad was in a terrible accident—not that his sugar counts were high.

My initial final four picks? Harder to predict than the girls, but here's what I'm thinking right now:

1. Brooks
2. Ben
3. Brandon
5. Bryden

For real though, why does everyone's name start with a 'B'? What were your thoughts? Who do we like?


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