Bachelor Recap: Hometown Horrors

Switching things up tonight, kids, and I'm live blogging. Well, live blogging to the extent that I started the show at 9pm (2 hours late) and I'm just blogging as I watch instead of taking notes and writing tomorrow. So, it might be a little more like me "thinking" aloud, rather than, well, making sense.

Before we start, we need to address the "breaking news" that came last week: Tierra is ENGAGED! What.the.Eff. Apparently she is engaged to an ex that I guess showed up in St. Croix on the day she got sent home?? Good luck and good riddance is all I gotta say about that.

Second and way more exciting: Tierra's Eyebrow followed me on Twitter this weekend! Weekend made. Well, that and loving on my nieces. :)

Onto the show. I'm predicting that Lindsay is going home. Or maybe that is my hope.

We don't waste any time this week and jumped right in to AshLee's hometown date in Houston. Like every other woman in Bachelor history, AshLee has a small dog. Just thought I'd point that one out. Anyone else notice (and hate) how she refers to Sean as "this man"? "I love this man." "I trust this man." "This man is made for me." Barf. Also, why the eff is she crying as she talks about the Polar Plunge? Ugh, and her metaphor for leaving everything in the water? Lame-o. AshLee's parents are not happy about the fact that there was "a lot of romance" in St. Croix. Let's not forget that AshLee is A) 32 and B) A divorcee. I feel like she's A) old enough for "romance" and B) has been "romanced" before.

Sean and Mom sit down and immediately Mom asks: What are your intentions for AshLee and are you gonna break her heart? Sean: No ma'am that's not my intention. Thanks for clearing that up, Sean.
AshLee's dad is so sweet! and HUGE! Like, so tall. I like AshLee, but I have a bad feeling she's going to get her heartbroken.

Next, we head to Seattle for Catherine's hometown. I love Seattle. I love Pike's Market. Bryan is trying to get me to move there, and we've been a few times, so this is fun to watch. (I'm not moving there, by the way.)

Am I the only one who thinks Catherine looks way prettier on this date than she has all season? The two take turns catching fish, so now they'll smell awesome for the rest of the day. Why is Sean yelling in his camera interviews? Um, those donuts they were eating? Best on earth, by the way. Awkward moment where Sean lifts her off some wishing machine and BAM! He almost grabs her crotch.

All seems to be going well, but Catherine's sisters are not impressed. Ummm, Catherine just said if he proposed she would say, "Yeah, let's try this out." Call me crazy, but...that's not a response you want. Sean talks to her sisters and has a very honest conversation, which I appreciated. I have two sisters myself and I can't help but think they would be hard on someone I just met. I'd probably do the same, but I'd give my sister the benefit of the doubt.

Catherine's mom awkwardly asks Sean, "Do you have any other questions for me?" Somewhere along the history of this show, like since the beginning, these people have found it appropriate to ask people's parents for their blessing to propose after dating for only 6 weeks. And somewhere along the way, these parents have said yes. But Catherine's mom doesn't give him answer. Wamp wamp.

Next up is Lindsay, who lives in Po Dunk, USA. I like Lindsay less and less as this goes on. I mean, she's nice, but, I CAN'T STAND how she talks like a baby ALL THE TIME. Seriously. We're getting a weird glimpse into Lindsay's kinkiness as she orders Sean around and gets him "Army Ready." I think I just heard her say "Kiss me harder." Moving on...

I love Lindsay's mom. More than Lindsay. Maybe she could have gone one the show. Sean is clearly terrified as he goes off to talk to her Dad. Lindsay's dad gives a roundabout Army metaphor to tell Sean that he has his blessing to ask Lindsay to marry him.

Now we're getting to the good stuff: Desiree's crazy brother. Shockingly, Des is the only one who runs and hugs Sean, which is a typical Bachelor cliche. I can't believe she's the only one who's done that, actually. What is she wearing though? I know they're going hiking, but...just no.

Sean and Des are at her house preparing dinner for her parents, when DUN DUN DUN: The guy we've seen in previews shows up to tell Des he loves her. I called this as a prank at the beginning of the season. Last week I thought maybe the brother stuff was a prank, but Des is a horrible actress and so is the guy pretending to be her boyfriend, so I'm calling bullshit right away. Sure enough, Des says "I've gotta tell you something..." [fast forward through commercials...] "Gotcha!" Ha.Ha.Ha. The only reason this is funny to me is because when Des' a*hole brother shows up, he'll probably think that's a joke, too.

Sidenote: Is that Des' pool? She must be doing pretty well as a bridal consultant if she owns her house ... with a pool ... in L.A.

Des' brother eems so polar opposite from Des. She is well-spoken and nice, and he is..not. He's rough..and trashy...and a weird mix of ghetoo and hick. "This is stupid, almost," he says. Right on, brother. "Hey Sean, can I holler atchu real fast?" What?

It only gets better when Sean says, "I'm crazy about your sister," and her brother says, "You're crazy about a lot of girls, right?" Touche, Des' brother, touche. In fact, we have heard Sean those exact words to four different families tonight. Des' brother basically laughs in Sean's face and tells him he's a "playboy."Poor Desiree. Her brother might have sealed her fate...

Thanks to previews, we don't even have to wait until the rose ceremony to know that it comes down to Catherine and Desiree. Damn it. That means Lindsay's still here.

Sean sits down with Chris Harrison, who is TV's worst host, who helps Sean figure out nothing. Sean tells the girls that he doesn't know who is sending home and he's just going to pick up roses and give them to someone he can see spending his life with. A nervous Des pulls Sean outside and apologizes for her brother. I can tell right away that he's going to send her home. He didn't kiss her on the lips, just gave her a hug. Kiss 'o death.

Here we go. Ashlee. Lindsay (Bletch. P.S. my apparent dislike of Lindsay has really just developed this episode). Cue Chris Harrison....Sean is leaving the room and there is very intense playing as Sean goes to stare at the girls' pictures to find clarity.

Chris Harrison has some words of wisdom: "My advice to you tonight? Get this right." Hey, thanks Chris! That helps a lot!

While we're on commercial, here's some food for thought: What if Des or Catherine is the final one he chooses? He's basically saying he could give or take either one of them. Ultimately, it comes down to who he'll miss the most tomorrow, he says. That makes sense.

And the final rose goes to: Catherine. Desiree is pissed and so am I. Lindsay stole her rose! I thought for sure Des would be in his final two. Oh well, I can't be right all the time...

Tomorrow, Sean tells all and I'm not blogging about it. This episode was boring enough. I feel like I've let you down; I apologize for the lack of humor, but like I said last week, Tierra's gone and so is the drama.

Who thinks Des will be the token girl who comes back on the final episode and asks for another chance? Maybe the letter we see Sean reading is from Des, begging for another chance?

Were you guys as bored as I was tonight?


Post a Comment

Your comments & feedback make my day, so please let me know what you've got to say!