Bachelor Recap: Goat's Milk in Montana

The episode opens and - GASP - Sean is not shirtless or pantless! We immediately cut to a shot with a helicopter though, so it's pretty much all the same to me.

The ladies are told they are going on a worldwide adventure for love with Sean. First stop: MONTANA! Seasons past we've gone to Thailand, Europe, all over the Caribbean...And these girls get Montana? Stop, you're too kind. Apparently we're going here because Sean wants to "test" the women—because he hasn't already done that with dates that include jumping off a building, climbing a huge rock or roller derby. 

Lindsay gets the one-on-one, but not before some girl we've barely seen tells us she misses her boyfriend.

I'm excited about this date. I've liked Lindsay from the get-go, despite the whole wearing a wedding dress thing. She seems very sweet and easy going, obviously with a good sense of humor. We don't get to see much of their date, though, and what we do see is a tad boring. Why does Lindsay's voice waver so much? It makes it seem like she's about to start crying. Oh well, Sean was on board and, she gets the rose.

Back at the house, we find out Jackie and Tierra will be on the dreaded two-on-one. Tierrable is as "happy as a little bumblebee filled with honey," says AshLee — aka, "Little Orphan Hottie," according to Zach. (Have you ever read his recaps? They are to. die.)

Before the date even takes place, I know Jackie's going home. No one can compete with a manipulative B like Tierrable. Also, we know something "happens" to Tierra in the next episode, so she's obviously sticking around.

Back on Lindsay's one-on-one, Sean and Lindsay attend what seems like the season's fourth "amazing" private concert. Man, they are really pulling out all the stops this season. By the way, who in the F is Sarah Darling??

The group date involves some type of weird farm challenge including canoe races and not only milking a goat, but chugging the goat's milk. Can't wait to see what PETA thinks about this. Losers go home. Turns out Sarah w/one arm can carry a bale of hay with the best of 'em (You go girl) and little Ms. Joey Potter Jr. (Des) really knows her way around a goat's nipple and chugs the goat milk for a win.

Lesley is pissed off at her team of weak losers (her words, not mine). Wamp wamp, a team stacked with 3 of my faves go home. BUT, Sean decides to get crazy and "break all the rules" and invite the blue team back to the group date. Now red team is pissed, especially Robyn, but no one is more pissed than Tierra.

As she furiously writes curses on the girls writes in her journal (?) she realizes that it's just not fair that Sean is leading her on and bringing her on a 2-on-1, so she is off — in a stolen blue flannel from the blue team to disguise herself? — to "surprise" Sean on his date with all the other ladies.

This bitch is unfuckingbelieveable. This makes two dates she has hijacked, and this time, she basically tells Sean he better make the right decision - OR ELSE. Dun dun dun.

The rest of the group date is uneventful – basically, everyone is pissed about something, especially girl we've never seen before, who starts crying during her one-on-one with Sean because she saw my girl Catherine sitting on his lap. Ugh. Obviously, she gets the rose, because if we've learned anything this season, it's that all you have to do is cry, injure yourself, or be insecure and automatically, Sean gives you a rose. God this show is lame.

Finally, it's the moment we've all been waiting for and Jackie & Tierrable are off on their date with Sean.

Tierra's curse worked, so Jackie uses her one-on-one time with Sean tell him what a bitch Tierra is, thinking she will be the one woman in Bachelor history to get through to a guy about one girl's "true" intentions and he will just take her word for it and send her packing. See ya, Jackie.

Tierra, her eyebrow and forehead dent use this time to tell a story about her last boyfriend who passed away after a battle with drug & alcohol addiction. Now, I'm not calling bullshit on this story quite yet. If it's true — and really, why would someone lie about something like this (Manti Te'O) ? — then it's sad and perhaps does explain 0.005% of her crazy. But I just don't get why this the first time we've heard anything about this? For whatever reason, it's all making sense for Sean, who as predicted, sends Jackie home.

Cut to Tierra maniacally laughing.

At the rose ceremony, more drama ensues with the girls. Robyn threatens to go "bad girls club" on Tierra's ass, Sean tries to get Lesley to spill the truth about Tierra, and Tierra goes batshit crazy on Robyn. Thankfully, Sean catches a small glimpse of Tierra's behavior and wants to find out more about why she's acting this way. Tierra again tells Sean that she is drama-free, has a huge fight, and can't figure out why the girls are so mean to her.

I am so fucking sick of the Villians on this show. It's always the same - I hate drama, girls don't like me, it's not me, it's all 15 of them.

Sean: Let's think for a minute. So far this season, you've had several girls "warn" you about Tierra. She has hijacked your date more than once. She has complained to hell and back about how hard this is for her, and how awful the girls are. She has thrown herself downstairs, given herself hypothermia...any drama in the house has one common denominator: Tierra. You're right though, she is just having a really hard time with this and you have to be sensitive to that. Barf.

Robyn gets sent home, which we all knew was coming.

My top five:

1. Catherine
2. Des
3. AshLee
4. Lesley
5. Lindsay

See you again tonight for ANOTHER episode of Tierra's tirades!

1 comment:

  1. I just got caught up and immediately came to your blog to read your recap! Hilarious!

    I have the same top 5!! I have a feeling Tierrable will win and break his heart :(


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