Bachelor Recap: What-What's Your Fan-ta-ta-sy

I'm beginning to wish that The Bachelor was on Friday nights, not only because I never do anything on  am always busy on Friday nights would always never watch, but because there are several drinking games that we can now play thanks to the Morons on this show.

DRINK every time...
  1. Sean says "You look so cute!"
  2. Sean says, "Is this woman my wife?"
  3. They show Sean showering, or pensively looking off into the distance
  4. Lindsay talks like a baby
  5. Lindsay says, "Amazing"
  6. AshLee says, "This man"
  7. Ashlee uses a metaphor
  8. Catherine says, "beefy" or "hunky"
  9. Catherine references her weirdness or drops a serious bomb on Sean
Anyway, this week was the Fantasy Suites, where normal contestants slut it up and figure out if they can tolerate sleeping with this one person for the next few months rest of their lives. Or, as this young gal said, and Chris Harrison reiterated:

But when you're Sean, and a "born-again virgin"—which I might add is not a real thing—you use this total privacy to talk. Bo-o-ring.

Lindsay gets the first date and despite the fact that she annoys me to no end, I can tell Sean likes  her. Damnit. Their date begins with the pair getting picked up by a taxi, which Lindsay thinks is "amazing." It's a motorized rickshaw, Lindsay, for god's sake. She says she can't focus on the beauty of Thailand because she's got a beautiful man next to her. I'd venture to say it's because Sean's massive body has her trapped. They walk around some Asian market because in "real life" they look forward to doing things like grocery shopping. Because most trips to the grocery store involve eating bugs...

Lindsay post-bug eating, pre-vomit.

They monkey around on a secluded beach for awhile—literally—before going to dinner. Lindsay is amazed times 1,000 when she sees that their dinner is in front of some giant Thai floats that include "a bed of flowers made out of like, petals." NO WAY! Flowers made out of petals?! You've gotta be shittin' me. They get the Fantasy Suite card, which Lindsay reads like an illiterate baby, and off they go. Oh and how could I forget? Lindsay tells Sean she loves him, to which he responds "I love hearing you say that." 

Every girl's dream.

AshLee's up next and they hop on a boat en route to a secluded beach. But not before they swim through a cave for 2 20 minutes and we hear another speech/metaphor about abandonment from AshLee. 

What does abandonment have to do with swimming in a cave? You’re afraid Sean will leave you there? I’m pretty sure at least one of the 20 producers, cameramen, etc would throw you a raft. This is a direct quote:

"I’m terrified because it’s pitch dark. It’s scary. But that’s kinda how life is sometimes. It’s like when you’re with the person you love, and you’re going down a dark alleyway..."

Ummm. You lost me there. I'm in love but I'm in an alley? That sounds more like sexual assault. AshLee needs to lay off the crazy pills, deal with her issues, stop speaking in metaphor and come back to Earth. Or at the very least, she needs to stop talking about such heavy shaz. Anyway, they head to dinner, AshLee gives a detailed description of the engagement ring she wants, and when the Fantasy Suite card comes, Sean tells us (another direct quote): 

"What I would love is to stay up all night with AshLee talking. That would be the perfect ending to this date."

Maybe if you're 16 and on a first date, that would be the ideal ending to a first date, but c'mon, this is The Bachelor. I think at this point we know AshLee's fate.

Last but not least, we've got Catherine's date. Personally, I think it's obvious from they way they are editing this show that Catherine is the winner. More on that later. They're on (another) boat, Catherine tells Sean how hunky he is, and how nerdy she is. She also talks about her last long relationship and how she got "scared" and realized "some things" and now she's ready to get married. Way to dig deep, Catherine. Anyone else notice how she said ALL of this to Sean without once looking at him in the eye? Weird.

We also learn why Catherine is rarely seen in her swimsuit. She drops another serious bomb, saying that people used to call her chubby and told her she eats too much. So, essentially, she has an eating disorder, aka she is Vegan. (Love ya, Diener!)

At dinner, Catherine makes a point of telling Sean she is traditional, yada yada, and we see those previews that everyone thinks means that Catherine is going to turn down the Fantasy Suite. People when will you learn: Basically whatever is shown in a preview, the opposite is likely to happen. That's why I'm so interested to see what this little "note" is that Sean gets in the finale. Is it from Des or AshLee asking for another chance? Is it from Catherine, finally telling Sean she loves him, since she hasn't yet?

Anyway, like I said earlier and to my point above, the producers on this show are not to be trusted. We've seen so much of a connection with Lindsay all season, and so little of Catherine until recently, they are trying to make us sure that it's Lindsay at the end. We'll see, but I'd be willing to be that it's not.

The rose ceremony comes, Chris Harrison does a whole lot of nothing (per usual) and Sean watches those horribly awkward videos they force the girls to make. AshLee's embarrassing breakdown is further evidence that she's going home. Sean can't watch it, and neither could I. Sean sends AshLee home and she is PISSED.

She, nor her, boobs are interested in hearing anything Sean has to say about why she's going home. She lets us know she was not here to have fun. We couldn't tell, AshLee.

The Women Tell All next week and then it's FINALLY the end of this godforsaken show.

What''s your prediction?


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Two Truths & A Lie

I used to love this game. Still do actually, mainly because I'm good at it. If one can be good at lying and telling the truth that is.

Here are three facts. Two of them are true, one of them is a lie. Can you guess which one is FALSE?
  1. I've broken my nose.
  2. My grandfather played for the Chicago Bears.
  3. I've had a rib removed.

TRUTH: I've broken my nose. 
During the summer of 2011, my friend and I were taking a cab home from Happy Hour. About a mile away from my house, our cabbie went flying through a yellow light at the same time an oncoming car was turning left on yellow. Needless to say, we crashed, and I went face-first into the Plexiglas partition. I broke my nose and last March, had to undergo surgery to correct the break. No, I did not get a nose job—doc just straightened things out and removed my "hump" that I didn't know I had.

Lessons learned from this incident: 
  1. Do not call your husband crying hysterically with sirens in the background. It will scare him. 
  2. Wear your seat belt in a cab. 
  3. Do not go inquire about having surgery on your nose unless completely necessary. The doctor will point out things about your face and nose that you did not know existed, and therefore, will create more complexes. Yes, this is possible. 
LIE: My grandfather played for the Chicago Bears.
He didn't play for the Bears, but he did play for the Green Bay Packers. Albert Zupek, played in 1946 at fullback before retiring. Look it up.
TRUTH: I've had a rib removed.
Back in college, I was noticing that my left arm was not getting great circulation. For example, if I was doing squats at the gym, I wouldn't be able to keep my arm bent for more than like, 10 seconds before it started turning purple and hurting. My regular doctor sent me to the ER and it was discovered that I had a blood clot in my shoulder area—obviously very dangerous. The clot was a result of the fact that the rib right underneath my clavicle was pinching off my subclavial vein. I was admitted to the ICU and I underwent surgery to remove the rib. They went in through my armpit and I've gotta say, it was a horrible, horrible pain to wake up to, and super disgusting to wake up to a bag of blood hanging out of your armpit.

The nose and rib thing are two of the less strange things that have happened. Once, in college, I had encephalitis and my roommate found me seizing in my bed. I was in ICU for more than a week, and literally—almost died.

Anyway, see you Friday!

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Bachelor Recap: Hometown Horrors

Switching things up tonight, kids, and I'm live blogging. Well, live blogging to the extent that I started the show at 9pm (2 hours late) and I'm just blogging as I watch instead of taking notes and writing tomorrow. So, it might be a little more like me "thinking" aloud, rather than, well, making sense.

Before we start, we need to address the "breaking news" that came last week: Tierra is ENGAGED! What.the.Eff. Apparently she is engaged to an ex that I guess showed up in St. Croix on the day she got sent home?? Good luck and good riddance is all I gotta say about that.

Second and way more exciting: Tierra's Eyebrow followed me on Twitter this weekend! Weekend made. Well, that and loving on my nieces. :)

Onto the show. I'm predicting that Lindsay is going home. Or maybe that is my hope.

We don't waste any time this week and jumped right in to AshLee's hometown date in Houston. Like every other woman in Bachelor history, AshLee has a small dog. Just thought I'd point that one out. Anyone else notice (and hate) how she refers to Sean as "this man"? "I love this man." "I trust this man." "This man is made for me." Barf. Also, why the eff is she crying as she talks about the Polar Plunge? Ugh, and her metaphor for leaving everything in the water? Lame-o. AshLee's parents are not happy about the fact that there was "a lot of romance" in St. Croix. Let's not forget that AshLee is A) 32 and B) A divorcee. I feel like she's A) old enough for "romance" and B) has been "romanced" before.

Sean and Mom sit down and immediately Mom asks: What are your intentions for AshLee and are you gonna break her heart? Sean: No ma'am that's not my intention. Thanks for clearing that up, Sean.
AshLee's dad is so sweet! and HUGE! Like, so tall. I like AshLee, but I have a bad feeling she's going to get her heartbroken.

Next, we head to Seattle for Catherine's hometown. I love Seattle. I love Pike's Market. Bryan is trying to get me to move there, and we've been a few times, so this is fun to watch. (I'm not moving there, by the way.)

Am I the only one who thinks Catherine looks way prettier on this date than she has all season? The two take turns catching fish, so now they'll smell awesome for the rest of the day. Why is Sean yelling in his camera interviews? Um, those donuts they were eating? Best on earth, by the way. Awkward moment where Sean lifts her off some wishing machine and BAM! He almost grabs her crotch.

All seems to be going well, but Catherine's sisters are not impressed. Ummm, Catherine just said if he proposed she would say, "Yeah, let's try this out." Call me crazy, but...that's not a response you want. Sean talks to her sisters and has a very honest conversation, which I appreciated. I have two sisters myself and I can't help but think they would be hard on someone I just met. I'd probably do the same, but I'd give my sister the benefit of the doubt.

Catherine's mom awkwardly asks Sean, "Do you have any other questions for me?" Somewhere along the history of this show, like since the beginning, these people have found it appropriate to ask people's parents for their blessing to propose after dating for only 6 weeks. And somewhere along the way, these parents have said yes. But Catherine's mom doesn't give him answer. Wamp wamp.

Next up is Lindsay, who lives in Po Dunk, USA. I like Lindsay less and less as this goes on. I mean, she's nice, but, I CAN'T STAND how she talks like a baby ALL THE TIME. Seriously. We're getting a weird glimpse into Lindsay's kinkiness as she orders Sean around and gets him "Army Ready." I think I just heard her say "Kiss me harder." Moving on...

I love Lindsay's mom. More than Lindsay. Maybe she could have gone one the show. Sean is clearly terrified as he goes off to talk to her Dad. Lindsay's dad gives a roundabout Army metaphor to tell Sean that he has his blessing to ask Lindsay to marry him.

Now we're getting to the good stuff: Desiree's crazy brother. Shockingly, Des is the only one who runs and hugs Sean, which is a typical Bachelor cliche. I can't believe she's the only one who's done that, actually. What is she wearing though? I know they're going hiking, but...just no.

Sean and Des are at her house preparing dinner for her parents, when DUN DUN DUN: The guy we've seen in previews shows up to tell Des he loves her. I called this as a prank at the beginning of the season. Last week I thought maybe the brother stuff was a prank, but Des is a horrible actress and so is the guy pretending to be her boyfriend, so I'm calling bullshit right away. Sure enough, Des says "I've gotta tell you something..." [fast forward through commercials...] "Gotcha!" Ha.Ha.Ha. The only reason this is funny to me is because when Des' a*hole brother shows up, he'll probably think that's a joke, too.

Sidenote: Is that Des' pool? She must be doing pretty well as a bridal consultant if she owns her house ... with a pool ... in L.A.

Des' brother eems so polar opposite from Des. She is well-spoken and nice, and he is..not. He's rough..and trashy...and a weird mix of ghetoo and hick. "This is stupid, almost," he says. Right on, brother. "Hey Sean, can I holler atchu real fast?" What?

It only gets better when Sean says, "I'm crazy about your sister," and her brother says, "You're crazy about a lot of girls, right?" Touche, Des' brother, touche. In fact, we have heard Sean those exact words to four different families tonight. Des' brother basically laughs in Sean's face and tells him he's a "playboy."Poor Desiree. Her brother might have sealed her fate...

Thanks to previews, we don't even have to wait until the rose ceremony to know that it comes down to Catherine and Desiree. Damn it. That means Lindsay's still here.

Sean sits down with Chris Harrison, who is TV's worst host, who helps Sean figure out nothing. Sean tells the girls that he doesn't know who is sending home and he's just going to pick up roses and give them to someone he can see spending his life with. A nervous Des pulls Sean outside and apologizes for her brother. I can tell right away that he's going to send her home. He didn't kiss her on the lips, just gave her a hug. Kiss 'o death.

Here we go. Ashlee. Lindsay (Bletch. P.S. my apparent dislike of Lindsay has really just developed this episode). Cue Chris Harrison....Sean is leaving the room and there is very intense playing as Sean goes to stare at the girls' pictures to find clarity.

Chris Harrison has some words of wisdom: "My advice to you tonight? Get this right." Hey, thanks Chris! That helps a lot!

While we're on commercial, here's some food for thought: What if Des or Catherine is the final one he chooses? He's basically saying he could give or take either one of them. Ultimately, it comes down to who he'll miss the most tomorrow, he says. That makes sense.

And the final rose goes to: Catherine. Desiree is pissed and so am I. Lindsay stole her rose! I thought for sure Des would be in his final two. Oh well, I can't be right all the time...

Tomorrow, Sean tells all and I'm not blogging about it. This episode was boring enough. I feel like I've let you down; I apologize for the lack of humor, but like I said last week, Tierra's gone and so is the drama.

Who thinks Des will be the token girl who comes back on the final episode and asks for another chance? Maybe the letter we see Sean reading is from Des, begging for another chance?

Were you guys as bored as I was tonight?

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Happy Valentine's Day!

Personally, I could take or leave Valentine's Day. The only real reason I care about today is because it was this day 13 years ago—yes, THIRTEEN—that my husband asked me to be his girlfriend. I'm only 29, by the way.

I was 16 and a sophomore in high school, and Bryan was a senior. Before this official first date, we'd talked a lot over email and Instant Messaging (AOL style). Long story short, we started talked in the first place because Bryan got suspended for showing up to a school dance drunk (oops), so he asked me to give him his homework for a class we had together. Pretty soon, all we did was talk, and he finally asked me out on a real date.

Bryan and I, in the year 2000.

I remember the day perfectly. He sent me a Flowergram (where you paid $1 and someone delivered you a flower during certain periods). That night, we went to dinner at a restaurant called Iowa River Power Company. I wore a red turtleneck with black pants. Bryan showed up with a flower and stuffed animal, and whisked me away in crappiest Camry you've ever seen. I remember the booth we sat in, I remember what I ordered to eat. After dinner, we came back to my house and watched Notting Hill. And, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

The note at the top was my flowergram. 
The others are some cards I've received
 w/flowers through the years.

An engagement photo we took in the same booth we had our first date.

That night, Bryan wrote me an email. Our officiant actually read this at our wedding. It is so sweet, so raw and just kind of magical when you think about what he said. I'll give you the gist of it:

The reality that for once in my life I've finally found something (you) that is everything I have ever imagined and more. Could tonight have gone a little better? Probably, seeing as it took me long enough to ask you what I have wanted to forever, but to me, this night was perfect. I'm gonna play parts of it over and over for a long time. I'm gonna go, but before I do, I want you to know that your shrine of pictures I am creating will be entitled "the one" because who knows, life is unpredictable. Love, Bryan

Crazier and cuter than the above love note? On February 13, 2000, Bryan told me he was falling in love with me. Basically, Bryan and I have always said that fate brought us together. If I had time to tell you all of the crazy things that have gone in our relationship, you would wonder why and how we are still together. Essentially, I never stood a chance not to fall and stay in love with this kid.

It pays to be a hoarder.
 Just a sampling of the cards I've kept over the past 
13 years, including my first "wife" Valentine from last year.

The past 13 years have been nothing short of amazing. Don't get me wrong—we have had ups and downs, of course. We've been through some really hard situations, and have experienced moments that have challenged us, shaken us, could have broken us if we let them. But we didn't. We found a way to love each other despite of and because of all these things. We've also experienced some of the most amazing moments, and we've created the best memories. We've traveled the world together. We've grown up together. He challenges me. He makes me a better woman. And I can honestly say, Bryan makes me laugh just about every single day. I feel so incredibly lucky to call him my husband, today and every day.

Flowers Bryan sent me yesterday so that I 
could "shine" a day before everyone else.

Happy Valentine's Day to my love, and to all of you!

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"I Can't Control My Eyebrow!" and Other Tierra Quotes

You guys. I don’t know how many more of these recaps I can muster. Especially because nearly all the funny things to recap about this season left in the minivan with Tierra’s eyebrow—and sparkle.

More on that later.

I’m sorry I’m a day late with this post – I had every intention of finishing it last night, but important things like Happy Hour and an impromptu sleepover with my girlfriend prevented such happenings.

Finally, the girls and Sean are going somewhere that appendages won’t fall off when exposed for longer than 30 seconds. Am I the only one who noticed how extremely tan all of these people were? They just came from Canada or Alaska or some other polar destination, and suddenly they all look like they’ve been baking on the beach all season. Obviously, I’m jealous.

All of the dates were pretty boring this week, and the good stuff didn’t happen until later. Drama ensued from the get-go when Tierra, being the little bitch that she is, decides she can’t possibly stand to sleep in the same room as the other girls, so she sets up a cot in another room. #NoOneCared.

AshLee (capital A, capital H) gets the first one-on-one, which ends being the Bachelor Classic: I’m on a boat, Motherf*$!ker! The two rolled around making out on the beach for awhile, but not before 3 important moments:
  • AshLee gives Sean all the dirt he’s been looking for on Tierra. I thought for sure AshLee would fall victim to the Bachelor curse of girls talking about other girls, but alas, Sean appreciated her honesty.
  • She reveals she has a huge secret. She’s worried it will break she and Sean, she just wants to say it and move on, there was just something she had to tell him, and it was really hard for her to say, so here it comes…I mean the build up was absurd. Was I alone in guessing that she had either killed someone or had a kid? I mean, she IS ancient at 32, you guys,  so she HAS to have a kid by now (according to Tierra). Turns out her huge secret was that she got married and divorced at 17 in an act of rebellion. Guess what? #NoOneCared.
  • With the weight of the world off her shoulders, AshLee stands on a chair and I immediately think, “Don’t do it, don’t do it!” Guess what? She did it. She yelled “I LOVE SEAN!” while still standing on a chair. Call me crazy, but the first time a man hears those words should not be with someone SCREAMING them at you, and they should not be spoken while wearing flower hammer pants.

Tierra gets her coveted 1-on-1 and I think she might have made actual Bachelor history by being the only woman ever to complain about it. Nothing sounds worse to her than wandering around in the heat and bugs with her makeup sweating off.

Tierra puts on her happy face, cut-off jean shorts and belly shirt and she and Sean skip around the city, where Sean buys her “everything a girl could want on a first date,” like shell necklaces and metal wire. Then, “All of a sudden, music starts blasting and a parade is headed in our direction!" Mmm hmm.

The group date with Lindsay, Desiree and Catherine is pretty boring, despite having a super cool concept. Sean wakes them up to watch the sunrise and spend the rest of the day jumping tree houses to the other side of island to catch the sunset. Of which, there was none. #WampWamp

Couple comments on Catherine:
  • Talk about a sob story. First she watches her friend get killed by a tree, then her dad tries to commit suicide in front of her? What bothers me is her lack of emotion when she shares this stuff. I can’t tell if it’s creepy or admirable.
  • Why is she always wearing a cover-up? During the group date, she was the only one wearing a towel, and when she and the girls were on the beach, she was the only one wearing a dress while we all drooled over the other girl rocked their six-packs. 
Lesley gets the last 1-on-1 and starts off by telling us that even though she’s “known Sean for awhile now,” she still gets butterflies when she sees him. Um, honey. It’s been what, 5 weeks? Also, I still get butterflies when I see my hubby and I’ve known him 13 years. (Awwwww!)
  •  They basically go avocado picking.
  • I appreciate her pretty much saying that anyone who comes on this show and says they’re in love after a few dates is an idiot. But then she admits to being an idiot, too.
  • She goes home. Too bad, I liked Les. (But LesBeHonest, I didn’t like her more than Catherine. Ba dum bump.)

Now that all the boring dates are over, we’re back at the house for the good stuff. While Sean gets some sisterly advice—GOOD sisterly advice at that, aka, don’t choose the bitch—Tierra confronts AshLee about “sabotaging” her relationship with Sean.

We should make Tierra T-Shirts from the amount of one-liners from this part:

Tierra's T Shirts

In a convenient move by ABC, Sean conveniently goes over to the house during World War 2, where he finds Tierra in the isolation room—on her cot—and SURPRISE! She’s crying about how hard this is for her and tells us (not for the first time) that she has a big heart. She even goes so far as to say that AshLee is clearly out to get her. Yes, I’m so sure that Little Orphan Hottie, who seems to be the most upset by the fact that you do not say GOOD MORNING to her, is out to get you. Seems plausible.

When Sean says he’ll be right back, I held my breath hoping to all that is Holy that he was not going to get a rose. Instead, we watched Sean grow a pair right before our eyes as finally realizes, Tierra is not the one for him.


Sean is even smart enough to make it seem like he’s doing this for Tierra’s own good. “I’m crazy about you, but I think it might be better for you if you go home.”

I’ve gotta say, I was a little disappointed in Tierra’s exit. I was hoping for more screaming, yelling, punching, and her saying all kinds of demeaning things to Sean. Instead, all we got was fake tears, something about how no one would take her sparkle, and a producer texting on his BlackBerry in an act of boredom. Who thinks Tierra is going straight to Bachelor Pad?

Next week: Hometowns! I still think the previews of Des and her brother will turn out to be some kind of prank on Sean, but we’ll see.

Looks like I was pretty close on my initial guess for the final four. I initially guessed Lesley in the final four, so I was off on AshLee. My prediction for who goes home next week? Lindsay or Desiree.


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Bachelor Recap: Goat's Milk in Montana

The episode opens and - GASP - Sean is not shirtless or pantless! We immediately cut to a shot with a helicopter though, so it's pretty much all the same to me.

The ladies are told they are going on a worldwide adventure for love with Sean. First stop: MONTANA! Seasons past we've gone to Thailand, Europe, all over the Caribbean...And these girls get Montana? Stop, you're too kind. Apparently we're going here because Sean wants to "test" the women—because he hasn't already done that with dates that include jumping off a building, climbing a huge rock or roller derby. 

Lindsay gets the one-on-one, but not before some girl we've barely seen tells us she misses her boyfriend.

I'm excited about this date. I've liked Lindsay from the get-go, despite the whole wearing a wedding dress thing. She seems very sweet and easy going, obviously with a good sense of humor. We don't get to see much of their date, though, and what we do see is a tad boring. Why does Lindsay's voice waver so much? It makes it seem like she's about to start crying. Oh well, Sean was on board and, she gets the rose.

Back at the house, we find out Jackie and Tierra will be on the dreaded two-on-one. Tierrable is as "happy as a little bumblebee filled with honey," says AshLee — aka, "Little Orphan Hottie," according to Zach. (Have you ever read his recaps? They are to. die.)

Before the date even takes place, I know Jackie's going home. No one can compete with a manipulative B like Tierrable. Also, we know something "happens" to Tierra in the next episode, so she's obviously sticking around.

Back on Lindsay's one-on-one, Sean and Lindsay attend what seems like the season's fourth "amazing" private concert. Man, they are really pulling out all the stops this season. By the way, who in the F is Sarah Darling??

The group date involves some type of weird farm challenge including canoe races and not only milking a goat, but chugging the goat's milk. Can't wait to see what PETA thinks about this. Losers go home. Turns out Sarah w/one arm can carry a bale of hay with the best of 'em (You go girl) and little Ms. Joey Potter Jr. (Des) really knows her way around a goat's nipple and chugs the goat milk for a win.

Lesley is pissed off at her team of weak losers (her words, not mine). Wamp wamp, a team stacked with 3 of my faves go home. BUT, Sean decides to get crazy and "break all the rules" and invite the blue team back to the group date. Now red team is pissed, especially Robyn, but no one is more pissed than Tierra.

As she furiously writes curses on the girls writes in her journal (?) she realizes that it's just not fair that Sean is leading her on and bringing her on a 2-on-1, so she is off — in a stolen blue flannel from the blue team to disguise herself? — to "surprise" Sean on his date with all the other ladies.

This bitch is unfuckingbelieveable. This makes two dates she has hijacked, and this time, she basically tells Sean he better make the right decision - OR ELSE. Dun dun dun.

The rest of the group date is uneventful – basically, everyone is pissed about something, especially girl we've never seen before, who starts crying during her one-on-one with Sean because she saw my girl Catherine sitting on his lap. Ugh. Obviously, she gets the rose, because if we've learned anything this season, it's that all you have to do is cry, injure yourself, or be insecure and automatically, Sean gives you a rose. God this show is lame.

Finally, it's the moment we've all been waiting for and Jackie & Tierrable are off on their date with Sean.

Tierra's curse worked, so Jackie uses her one-on-one time with Sean tell him what a bitch Tierra is, thinking she will be the one woman in Bachelor history to get through to a guy about one girl's "true" intentions and he will just take her word for it and send her packing. See ya, Jackie.

Tierra, her eyebrow and forehead dent use this time to tell a story about her last boyfriend who passed away after a battle with drug & alcohol addiction. Now, I'm not calling bullshit on this story quite yet. If it's true — and really, why would someone lie about something like this (Manti Te'O) ? — then it's sad and perhaps does explain 0.005% of her crazy. But I just don't get why this the first time we've heard anything about this? For whatever reason, it's all making sense for Sean, who as predicted, sends Jackie home.

Cut to Tierra maniacally laughing.

At the rose ceremony, more drama ensues with the girls. Robyn threatens to go "bad girls club" on Tierra's ass, Sean tries to get Lesley to spill the truth about Tierra, and Tierra goes batshit crazy on Robyn. Thankfully, Sean catches a small glimpse of Tierra's behavior and wants to find out more about why she's acting this way. Tierra again tells Sean that she is drama-free, has a huge fight, and can't figure out why the girls are so mean to her.

I am so fucking sick of the Villians on this show. It's always the same - I hate drama, girls don't like me, it's not me, it's all 15 of them.

Sean: Let's think for a minute. So far this season, you've had several girls "warn" you about Tierra. She has hijacked your date more than once. She has complained to hell and back about how hard this is for her, and how awful the girls are. She has thrown herself downstairs, given herself hypothermia...any drama in the house has one common denominator: Tierra. You're right though, she is just having a really hard time with this and you have to be sensitive to that. Barf.

Robyn gets sent home, which we all knew was coming.

My top five:

1. Catherine
2. Des
3. AshLee
4. Lesley
5. Lindsay

See you again tonight for ANOTHER episode of Tierra's tirades!

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