Bachelor Recap: "He Took the Iraqi to the Desert"

Happy Tuesday! I’m not sure where you all live, but here in Chicago, the weather is being all kinds of crazy. Freezing rain on Sunday, mid-40s Monday and today, it’s 61. Thanks, global warming!

It’s my favorite day of the week as I pick apart America’s favorite hot messes.

I’m coming at this a little differently today, more like a real recap, rather than just highlighting the train wrecks. There was too many this episode. Bear with me.

The episode opens with—SPOILER ALERT!—gratuitous shots of Sean, not only shirtless, but pantless as well. 

We learn that Selma gets the first one-on-one and I’ve got to say, I’m OK with it. She had me at “He took the Iraqi to the desert.” But I’m getting ahead of myself.

We haven’t seen much of Selma yet, but clearly she’s hot (literally and figuratively), she’s pint-sized with huge fake boobs, and as we learned this episode, she only weighs 110 pounds. It seems like many people are annoyed she said this, but ladies, let’s be honest – if you weighed 110 lbs, you’d announce it on national TV, too.

Sean says he wants to see if Selma can “rough it” since she’s previously told him she gets misjudged as being prissy. The two “rough it” by taking a private jet to Joshua Tree—aka the desert and Iraqi comment—where they climb a rock so that Selma can fulfill the show’s requirement of having at least one person scared of heights so that she can “conquer her fear” and make some analogy about how she can get through anything with Sean at her side.

My favorite part? When they were standing on the rock looking out at the sunset. I feel like we’ve seen this before…

Next they go to a glorified trailer park where they lay on astro turf, look at the stars and whisper. Seriously though. Why are they whispering? Selma then drops the bomb that her family is super conservative and she doesn’t want to embarrass them by kissing Sean on national TV. 

Yes, that seems that logical... 

Sean basically tells us that he’s got Blue Balls because Selma’s a tease. “Her eyes are asking me to kiss her. Ahhhhh!” She gets the rose and they seal it with a hug. 

Cue Selma saying Sean is going to have to wait to kiss her until she’s “his only lady.” Sorry Selma, but you’re not going to get far with that attitude. Especially when we get to the part where these hoes all bed Sean, basically at the same time. I think Selma will make it to the final 5 or 6 before Sean tells her that his physical relationships are further developed and sends Selma packing.

Next up: the dreaded group date. Sean wants to test the “physicality” of the women—no joke, he used that word at least 100 times—and the ladies prep for a roller derby. 

Tierra’s ready to beat some ass, Amanda lies and says she used to play the sport, Robyn can’t stand up for more than .5 seconds, and Sarah cries about her unfair advantage, what with only having one arm. I’ve gotta go with Sarah on this one – roller skating is about balance and it’s hard to balance when you’re not even on both sides. Just sayin’. 

Eventually, Karma comes knockin’ and because she wore that hideous neon dress with flower shoulder pads while shooting daggers from her eyes not too long ago, Amanda takes a spill thinks she broke her jaw. 
Sean – aka the show’s lawyers – decide maybe this date is too dangerous and let’s just all skate around holding hands instead.

I noticed that all of these girls look very “fit”, despite those hideous uniforms. Side note: Has anyone else noticed that Tierrable Tierra (kudos to whoever said that last night in the episode) is the only one ever eating?  I wonder if she’ll gain weight like Chantal O. and Ali F., and if she does, will the dent in her forehead be the first place she gains? 

Speaking of those roller derby outfits, why was Jackie the only one wearing a helmet in her ITM? Or the better question: why is she still here?

I digress. The rest of the group date is boring, especially because Tierra hijacks it by saying that the other girls are torturing her and she’s going home. Here’s a hint Sean: Girls who say “girls don’t like me” and “I don’t like drama” means they’re a bitch who always starts shit. Sean gives Tierra a rose, and after smirking at the camera, she joins the group and they all go home.

Leslie H. gets the next one-on-one and it happens to be the “Pretty Woman” date, where Sean buys her diamonds, a hideous dress, sparkly shoes and a purse, all topped off with a 125-carat necklace that look horrific with previously stated items.  

Les is over the moon because she’s never gotten jewels from a boyfriend before. Probably because she’s never had a boyfriend. She also says “holy moly” not once, not twice, but THREE times that we saw. You sealed your fate right there, sister.

Despite the fact she’s literally sparkling, Sean doesn’t feel a spark and sends Leslie packing, but not before getting back his diamonds. In the words of Possessionista, “That awkward moment when your boyfriend dumps you and asks for the jewelry back.”

Leslie also tells us in the limo that she would have given back her diamond earrings if it meant spending  her time with Sean. See, Leslie, there's your issue right there. In the words of Kanye, Diamonds are Forever. The Bachelor and any couple associated with it, is not.

Cue preview we saw of Sean dropping a lone rose over the balcony as Ben Taylor plays to a crowd of no one.

At the rose ceremony, Lesley M. & Amanda stand out in bad way with their lipstick choices for the evening. My girl Catherine FINALLY gets some one-on-one time with Sean that they show us. Since the first episode, I’ve felt like Catherine is quirky, witty and calm and I could see her going far, but then they don’t show us any of her time with Sean, so it’s hard to tell. Then Robyn asks Sean if he wants to taste her chocolate and things get weird, fast.

Amanda and her "broken" jaw (read: TMJ) that she tried to cover with black lipstick go home.

I’ll be shocked if next week we don’t see Jackie, Robyn and Daniella go home.

Until next week, when paramedics make a second visit to see Tierra.

Thoughts this week?

Read More

Nice is Nice!

Nice, France, that is.

I’m skipping over Belgium and Amsterdam for now and moving on to Nice, France.

The South of France - French Riviera, if you will, was my favorite region we visited. From the food to the wine to the weather, everything was phenomenal. 

We arrived in the late afternoon on New Years Day. Since we had spent the previous 4 days jumping from city to city, we were more than ready to call Nice home for the next three nights.

We stayed at another Le Meridien right on the water. We had a fabulous room that overlooked the Mediterranean Sea and that looked right out towards Castle Hill, which is gorgeous when it’s lit up. We also had a nice view of the Ferris Wheel that was part of the city’s Christmas Festival  — I’m telling you, everywhere we went had a Christmas festival. Not complaining.

Views from hotel and from walking around the first night.

The wonderful thing about Nice is that it’s centrally located and there are many cities that are just a train ride away for a fun day trip. At dinner on New Years Eve, we actually met a couple who used to “summer in Nice.” Must be nice, right? (No pun intended.) He gave us a list of places we should go, which was super helpful.

Day One:
We spent the first half of the day walking down the Promenade des Anglais (the beachfront), around Old Town Nice, through Place Massena and MARCHÉ AUX FLEURS (a great market of flowers, soaps, foods, etc).

Nuts, soaps and olives at the market.

Old Town, Nice.

Then we made the hike up to Castle Hill. We grabbed a late breakfast of Pan Au Chocolate and cappuccino and sat overlooking the beautiful coast. After walking the park for a few hours, we hopped on a train for our first day trip to Saint Paul de Vence. 

Castle Park, Nice

Husband and me at the park.

HIGHLY recommend going to this gem. It’s about an hour bus trip into the mountains and as you get closer, it’s just sort of suddenly appears.

View driving up to the city

It’s a medieval town that feels like a fortress, with high walls, castle-like buildings, cobblestone streets, and lots of nooks and crannies. You forget that it’s actually a town that people live in, which is super crazy, but there was a nice mix of history and tourism.  There’s a restaurant at the entrance of the town, Le Café de la Place, where we had some wine and shared a sandwich, just people watching. 

Street views, a wine store and an above ground cemetary.

View looking at the city from the restaurant, a candy store and DRINKS!

We ended the day with a wonderful dinner in Nice at Luna Rossa, which was an authentic Italian restaurant. They served food straight from the skillet. To. die.

I’m going to cut this off right now, but I’ll be back with our second day in Nice, when we went to Menton, Monte Carlo and Eze.

Happy Friday!

Read More

Bachelor Recap: To The, Volume 2

Happy Tuesday, lovelies. I wrote this post last night - live blogging if you will - but I must have had too much wine with my Bachelor, because I forgot to hit publish.

Here's this week's Bachelor recap, in the form of "Letters to the Contestants."

To opening the show with Sean working out...again: "HOLY SHIT! Now THIS is something we've never seen before..." said no one ever, especially when watching the first two seconds of every episode of The Bachelor so far this season. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Get some new material. I'm not complaining, but..well no, I am, consider this a complaint.

To Lesley and Sean regarding their Guiness Record for longest kiss on screen: Apparently Sean felt Lesley's body "trembling," which is both weird and untrue. To say that you were both "lost in the moment" and "you forgot about the crowd..." First of all, I seriously doubt that. and I also seriously hope not. Who can block out a group of screaming tourists? And if that was you lost in the moment, I'd hate to see what you're like when it's just the two of you. You literally laughed the entire time you kissed and it was awkward for everyone.

(Granted, I don't blame you. I don't think I could do that with my husband. Lips on lips for 3 straight minutes? No tongues? No groping? No thank you.) Also, this might be the only time when lasting 3 minutes is acceptable.

To the girls on the group volleyball date. Grown women, crying on a beach, wearing matching body paint and bikinis is one of the saddest things I have ever seen.

Speaking of those bikinis, I'm confident that if I were ever to go on The Bachelor—which, let's be honest, I would never do, mostly because I'm smart, oh and married—I could never wear these supplied swimsuits. My boobs and butt are both too big. I'd be like the one girl wearing a towel.

Lastly, I think they had to rock paper scissors for a winner, because I truly don't believe anyone scored a real point the whole game. Terrible showing, ladies.

To Kacie B.: Have you learned nothing from your previous "journey" on The Bachelor? (Obviously not, because you're here for a second time.)

That aside, You KNOW it's the kiss of Bachelor death to talk about other girls during "your time." When he asks you why you're getting involved, the drunken look on your face tells America that you know you are in fact, not involved and that it is not, in fact, affecting you. We can sum this up by saying when the Bachelor calls you cray to your face, cray.

You will not be getting a rose, if not for this incident, but because your rose ceremony dress looked like a wet suit. (Spoiler alert: I was right.)

To Tierra's "fall" down the stairs:  Well played, Tierra. Clearly, you're the Michelle Money, Courtney Robertson, Justin Rego and Wes Hayden of this season. I just hope you don't think anyone believed you actually hurt yourself.
                                           source                                                  source

To Leo:  You lucky dog, you. In case you're wondering, this is a literal remark, "Sean" apparently surprised Sarah by having her dog show up in a limo.

Sean sent Kacie B., Taryn (the girl who doesn't compete for guys) and Kristy the model packing.

This doesn't have to do with this episode, but I'd just like to put it out there because the stair incident reminded me. Previews are never what they seem to be, am I right? For example, we saw the preview of Tierra & the paramedics no less than 100 times, leading us to believe that she got pushed down the stairs or some shit.

Remember the preview that shows a guy coming to knock on the door while Des and Sean are on a date? I'm calling it right now as a prank to get back at Sean for the stunt he pulled on their one-on-one. What do you guys think?

Until next week, when Robyn asks Sean if he wants to taste her chocolate, what were your favorite Bachelor moments?

Read More

To The: Bachelor Edition

Happy Tuesday, kids.

I’m long overdue for a good old “To the” and by golly, there are enough from the first two episodes of that little show called The Bachelor (that I can’t seem to quit watching, no matter how horrible it is) to go around.

What is it with this show? It’s seriously like a fatal car accident — you don’t want to look, but you’ve never seen a dead body before.

Bottom line, these girls are cray cray and I. Love. It. Sit, back, grab a glass of wine, and relax folks. This is gonna be a long one.

To the opening montage on the first episode: We get it: Sean is the perfect, All-American man. He’s family-driven, he’s from the South, he has an amazing body, blond hair and blue eyes. But did you think that showing him cutting strawberries would add to that image? Note: It didn’t.

To the 25 women who signed up to be on the Bachelor: Have you never watched a single season of this show before? Do you honestly, sincerely think it’s going to be different for you?

To the one woman who signed up for this show a SECOND time: Kacie B., you learned the hard way last season. Yet here you are, again. You said last season, “Love like this comes along once in a lifetime.” Well, see, that's interesting, since you’re here…again. My money says you will lose…again.

To the girl who dressed and spoke like she was the Little Mermaid (Ashley H.): You’re also a clone of Princess Jasmine. Pick a freakin’ character. And while you’re at it, learn to speak. I couldn’t understand a GD word out of your mouth; I needed subtitles.

To the girl who fell trying to do a backbend coming out of the limo (Robyn): Sucks to be you, but kudos for not showing your vagine. Also, kudos for being the black girl to ask Sean if he likes black girls. Way to get an automatic rose.

To the girl with one arm (Sarah): We get it. You have one arm. I think you seem like a semi-normal girl, though your voice is a bit whiney, but I do wish the producers would let you talk about something else. Also, you said you are falling in love with Sean. You have been on one date.

To the model, Kristy: Are you a model? You’ve never said before.

To the other model, Amanda: I can’t tell if you’ll be around long enough to be the next “Courtney,” but I hope so. You seem like one nasty bitch.

To the girl who cried on the first night because she is not used to competing for a man and she's usually the one who’s approached (Taryn): I’m rolling my eyes so far back in my head, I look like the little girl on Poltergeist. Go cry to someone who cares, and who is not also competing against 25 other women. Again, I ask, have you ever seen this show? YOU’RE ON THE BACHELOR. Do something.

To “Fifty Shades of” Ashley P.: No one wants to tie you up with, let alone wear or touch, a neck tie that’s been stuffed down your cleavage and is likely wet with boob sweat, champagne and later, your tears.

To the girl who did not wear shoes the first night (Katie): Again: have you ever watched this show? Nasty shit goes down in this mansion, wear shoes at all times! No shirt, no shoes, no…well, I guess that doesn’t really apply here. Also, you need some frizz control tips from Kacie B.

To the final four: I haven’t read any spoilers this season, but I’m calling you now as Desiree, Lindsay, Catherine and Lesley.

To the helicopter: You are so last season.

Thoughts so far on this season? Who do you think makes the final four?

Read More

Paris: La Ville-Lumière

Happy Monday, loves!

I had such a great weekend. My best friend, Britt, came into the city to pick up her wedding dress (!!). Her little sister (my fellow MOH) and her two friends, plus my other bestie, Sara, came along, too. Britt's little sister is newly turned 21, so we had fun with the little girls, joking that we were their mentors. I have to say, if anyone actually thinks of me as a mentor, something is wrong with the world. Yesterday, I finally took down the Christmas decorations, caught up with the blog, and watched the Golden Globes. The only thing that didn't get done was uploading photos from our trip.

Speaking of our trip, I'm kicking off my first European diary. I didn't bring my computer over there with me, and I wish I would have, as I could have documented everything as we lived it. You see, I have a horrific memory and I easily forget things. Thank goodness for pictures, and my husband. I'll do my best not to give you a play by play, but just the highlights - pictures, food, etc. But, I do love to ramble, so bear with me.

Side note: Europe is an Instagrammer's heaven. You can see some of my photos here.

We set off on our trip on December 27 around 10am from Iowa, where we had been for the holidays. We hopped over to Chicago, where we had to fly to New York to catch our international flight. I'm only telling you this because we got bumped to First Class on our flight to NY and it was my first experience. OMG. No wonder people pay extra for the shit. The free drinks, the warm nuts, the hot say nothing of the huge, comfy sit that I could literally curl up in as though it was an armchair. I acted like a 5-year old on Christmas morning, I was so excited. Bryan actually told me to "Act like you belong here." 
Anyway, after 3 flights, 2 trains and 1 taxi, 24 hours later (literally), we arrived in Paris, France. We stayed at Le Méridien Etoile, which was right down the street from the Arc De Triomphe. (I must also share that almost all of our hotels were covered by points, thanks to all of Bryan's travels. Otherwise, we never would have been able to afford anything!) 

Although we were dirt tired, we knew that to avoid jet lag, we had to stay up as late as possible. So after a quick shower, we set out to walk around the city and grab some food.

From top left: Me on the Siene with the Eiffel Tower, Champs-Elysees street sign, Arc De Triomphe, fun lights on the Champs-Elysees, Christmas carnival rides, the world's tallest living Christmas tree, twinkling Eiffel Tower and Christmas decoration on the Champs-Elysees.

At the end of the Champs-Elysees, there was a fabulous Christmas market taking place. We grabbed some Vin Chaud (hot wine), and strolled through, gawking at the lights, the people and the tchotchkes. We've started a new tradition where we buy Christmas ornaments from every place we visit, so we were scouting for that, and had success. We stopped in a food tent for another glass of something bubbly, and we had to laugh because they had food from different corners of the world. One just said "Asian Food," while the "American" corner boasted hamburgers with up to 7 patties and showed pictures of cowboys. Interesting what people think of us. 

We had our first lovely meal in St Germain, and I wish I could remember the name of the restaurant, but we enjoyed a warm goat cheese salad and veal tenderloins. With champagne, of course.

Saturday was our first full day of sightseeing and we did a TON. With only one full day to see the sites, we had to pick and choose. I told him that my must-do was the Eiffel Tower. First, we spent time walking around and seeing Notre Dame, the Louvre, Palais Royal, etc. 
Notre Dame, some cool architecture in St. Germain, and Bryan and I on the Siene with the Palais Royal in the background.
The Louvre. 

Below is Bryan's favorite picture from our entire trip. Yes, from all 400+ photos, this is his favorite:

He thought it was hilarious that this Asian man and his family acted like they were the only people to have ever staged a photo where he was "pushing down the fountain." His entire family was laughing and just thought it was hilarious. So did we, but for different reasons.

Anyway, we finally headed over to the Eiffel Tower. After we'd been waiting for about 30 minutes, we realized too late that we were in line for the "stairs only" hike to the top versus the elevator option. Sigh. We also realized that we were the only people waiting in line who were drinking...when in Paris. 

3 hours later, we were on our way. The walk to the top was actually not nearly as bad as I anticipated. We stopped on each level (there are two before you get up to the top) and took in the views. And got more vin chaud, of course. The sun was setting and the lights in the city were coming on, which was beautiful. Unfortunately, it was also starting to rain and as we waited to journey to the top, it got to become FREEZING. You see, it was 50 degrees earlier in the day, so we left our coats at the hotel. Stupid Americans. Alas, we finally made it to the top and the wind, rain, walking and waiting were all worth the view from the top. I barely even thought about the fact that I was 1,063 feet high in the sky, weak in the knees, and that I could feel the tower moving because of how hard the wind was blowing.

We had noticed the night before that the Eiffel Tower was twinkling, and we were pretty sure that didn't happen all the time - sure enough, some research told us that it only twinkles during Christmas time; it was gorgeous. 

We finally headed back to the hotel where we changed before another dinner, followed by a glass of wine in the hotel bar. The next day, we were off to Belgium!

Must-sees: The Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, Champs-Elysees ...  everything. Highly recommend being there during Christmas!

Would I go back: Definitely.  Because our time was so abbreviated in Paris, I would absolutely go back. Instead of doing "surface-level" tourism, I'd love to take the time to go into some of the other major sites, maybe stay in an apartment and of course, I would SHOP! I have to say, before our trip everyone told me to skip Paris - that the people were rude and it ruins the experience. I don't know if it was because we were there for such a short time, because it was our first stop and we were high on excitement, or just because Paris is not that bad, but I was pleasantly surprised. 

Have you been to Paris? What did you love or hate? 

Read More