To The...Volume 2

Happy Thursday, folks! It's an especially happy Thursday for me. I have about 2 hours of work today, then we are headed to Wrigley Field for our company outing. On Friday, I am headed to Denver! I'll be meeting 4 of my BFF's and my sister to celebrate on of my dear friends' bachelorette. It should be a weekend filled of fun, sun, wine, penis memorabilia, Wiz Khalifa and a little game called "Dick Head Hoopla."
Are you jealous? Get excited for my weekend update!

Anyway, I've conjured up another list of revelations (or rants, whichever you prefer). Without further adieu, I bring you "to the," numero dos.

To the... 

Guy on the train with his bike. You have a bike...but you're on the train. What's wrong with this picture? BYE. 

To the... 

Woman with a permanent scowl on her face. I'm sure there is more than one of you in this world, but I'm talking to a specific gal who had the most unpleasant look on her face the entire time she was on the train the other day. Honestly, it looked like she was smelling the worst fart in the world. Take it from someone who is consistently told to smile more: Smile more.
Source: VHl. No clue who this is but her scowl sucks.

To the... 

Hairline of Teresa Giudice, of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. I'm new to your franchise, and I'm fascinated, not just by the show but by YOU, hairline. I've never seen anything like you. You're hideous and hilarious all at once. Another inch, hairline, and you become her eyebrows. I can't understand, but please, remedy yourself.

To the...

Girls out there who are dressed to the nines when going to the gym. When I go to the gym, I grace everyone with the privilege of seeing me in some type of Lycra, a giant t-shirt that likely belongs to my husband, three sports bras, and my hair back, in a sweaty mess (yes, I sweat on my way TO the gym, SHUT UP). 

So to you, chick with your hair "casually" curled in a "messy" ponytail that fell "just so" over your shoulder, in the trendy neon v-neck that showed just enough of your boobs to make me wonder if they were real but to let me know that you were NOT wearing a sports a bra, complete with a fresh face of make-up: Stop it. You're ruining it for the rest of us.

To the...

People who let their dog crap on the sidewalk...and then don't pick it up. You're sick. Do better. 
That was a contribution from my bestie, Britt. You're welcome.

To the...

Concept of time. I have none. So please, slow down, and give me some time to catch up.

To the...

People at Bic, who thought Bic Pens 'For Her' were a good idea. You're a bunch of D's. One 'breemeup,' took the words right out of my mouth in her review, which was voted 'most favorable' on
“Finally! For years I’ve had to rely on pencils, or at worst, a twig and some drops of my feminine blood to write down recipes (the only thing a lady should be writing ever). I had despaired of ever being able to write down said recipes in a permanent manner, though my men-folk assured me that I “shouldn’t worry yer pretty little head”. But, AT LAST! Bic, the great liberator, has released a womanly pen that my gentle baby hands can use without fear of unlady-like callouses and bruises. Thank you, Bic!”

And finally, To the...

Spanish woman who disfigured a century-old “ecce homo” fresco of Jesus. You are in idiot and this is literally the dumbest thing anyone has ever done. My husband showed me this article when we—I—was watching "Bachelor Pad" the other night. When he saw a contestant, Jaclyn Swartz, he said she looked like the botched Jesus. Here's a comparison:
 I mean. That's pretty freakin' hilarious. So lady, you're dumb, but thanks for providing entertainment for the rest of us. Check out this link, too. You're welcome.

Who should I include in my next "to the" series? Do you agree with today's choices?

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Am I Crazy?

Don't answer that.

I've done something stupid. (Again.) I signed up to participate in a Tough Mudder. Not sure what that is? Read on, you blissfully ignorant reader.

Let's start from the beginning. Earlier this summer, the husband mentioned that he wanted to run this race in Seattle on September 29. If that doesn't mean anything to you, just know that my birthday is September 28. I am a big a birthday person. So naturally, I was opposed to this idea, as I wanted to celebrate my birthday with him, here in Chicago — not ringing in 29 with a near-death experience. Next thing I know, I get an email with his confirmed registration with a note from him that says "spectator tickets are available."

Thanks, honey.

I'll spare you the saga of the many conversations we've had since then. Aside from the whole, 'It's my birthday!' thing, I told husband that I didn't want to look like the only a*hole (read, wimp) not participating. He assured that me that of our couple friends who would be there, I would not be the only one not doing it. So I got over it (a little bit) and had basically decided I'd go for the weekend to hang out with everyone. Until the other day, I see that the one gal I had been counting on hanging out with, Beth, signed up. TRAITOR! So, here I am.

I know you might be thinking I had a choice in this matter. Sure, I made this "choice." But this was not a real choice, people: I was peer pressured and I am not happy about.

Sorry if 12 miles and 25 obstacles does not sound like my idea of a good time. Sorry if I'd rather celebrate my birthday sucking down champagne instead of mud.

So, what exactly is a tough mudder, you ask? The web site says "Tough Mudder events are hardcore 10-12 mile obstacle courses designed by British Special Forces to test your all around strength, stamina, mental grit, and camaraderie."


I got an email today telling me to "Get pumped and check out the Artic Enema Obstacle Video!" It's descriptor is as follows:
"Many athletes use ice baths for recovery, but you'll have a difficult time relaxing your muscles in this frigid dumpster. First you must bravely jump into Big Mudder's floating iceberg abyss. Once submerged, find the mental and physical strength to swim through the ice, under a wooden plank and pull yourself out on the other end before you become hypothermic." 

I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?

How about some 'Electroshock therapy'? No? Not interested? Me either.

"Sprint through a field of live wires — some carrying as much as 10,000 volts of electric shock. Watch out for hay bales and deep mud, or you will face-plant into some electrifying mud. Some Mudders try to stealthily wind their way through the wires without getting shocked, while others barrel forward to get through as quickly as possible."

Anyone feel like burning to death in the "Fire Walker" obstacle? Better freshen' up on my "stop, drop and roll" skills.

"You’ll be running through a trench of blazing, kerosene-soaked straw. You can expect flames at least 4 feet tall." 


What do you guys think? Can I do it? Have YOU done it? Got any tips?

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Sunday Social

Happy Sunday, friends!

I'm not-so-secretly happy that today is rainy and dreary. I'm planning to hunker down with my computer to do some work & blogging, with Lifetime movies playing in the background, and a Papa John's pizza on the way! Tonight I've got my first Fantasy draft of the season, so lots to get done before then.

Today I'm linking up with Ashley's Carnival Ride and A Complete Waste of Makeup for Sunday Social! This is my first go at this and I'm excited to dig in. Enjoy!

Sunday Social

1. What is the first website you log into each day?
Admittedly, Facebook. Followed by CNN, so that makes me feel a little better?

2. Give us some funny websites that you visit that we need to know about.
 I'm a reality TV junkie, so I love reading sites that make fun of the nonsense. RealitySteve is a good one, and so are blogs hosted by former contestants, like Ashley Spivey, from Brad's season. She has a personal blog, Say No to Cosmo, but the one that I love is the one she does for ABC. Enjoy :)
The other site that makes me LOL every single time I visit is Damn You AutoCorrect. And I recently found this gem on Tumblr, and it's amaze. Your welcome.

3. Pinterest or Facebook? Why?
 This is a toughie. I love hanging out on Pinterest and pinning random things for hours upon hours. But I also dig stalking people on Facebook. Two totally different platforms for two totally different habits!

4. Twitter or Instagram? Why?
I think I gotta go with Instagram on this one. I use Twitter a lot for work, and not as much for personal reasons. I love Instagram because I love photos & the filters help you see things in a new light...literally. However, both are fun to stalk celebs and for that, I love both equally!
5. Favorite YouTube video. Post it!
Another toughie. Little kids crack my shit up, so here are some oldie but goodies! Again, you're welcome.
Ouch, Charlie!

This is from one of Jimmy Kimmel's challenges, where parents told their kids they ate all of their candy. CJ & Jake were amaze:

Sophia Grace & Rosie are hilarious always, but their first appearance on Ellen is phenom.
Animals get me every time, too. Love this panda sneeze!

6. Biggest online pet peeve?    
I really can't stand people who have nothing better to do than to comment on people's blogs or pages and write nasty remarks to them. Honestly, get a life. 
Once when I worked for CareerBuilder, this guy wrote a blog about me, saying that I deserved to be "hanged, drawn & quartered." I believe I was also referenced as a "silly twat." Anyway, the point is that people are assholes and they're assholes more often than not on the Internet because they can do so anonymously. People think they know someone based on one article, photo, TV show, etc. Grow a pair.
I hope you've enjoyed getting to know me a little better today!

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When a Man Loves a Woman

To know me is to know that I'm in love with love. To me, there is nothing sweeter than a man who loves his woman, and who isn't afraid to show it. Perhaps it's because that's the way my Dad is. And the way my husband is (most of the time).

I thought I'd find some sweet images to share to with you that capture true love in its most raw moments. (The one at the bottom left is my hubby seeing me for the first time on our wedding day. One of my favorite moments!)


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Dog Days Are Over

Hi everyone!

I'm back from vacation and happy to say that I am refreshed and re-energized after a long weekend in Okoboji with my family. My sister, husband and niece were there, as were my younger sister and her boyfriend. We stayed with my aunt, uncle and cousins. To sum up our trip, we spent many hours on the dock, in the lake paddleboarding, drinking beer, or boating from bar to bar. It was a fabulous time and I was sad to leave.

Wanted to include these little collage of some sweet pics of my niece and family!


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If You Really Knew Me...

Happy Tuesday!

I for one, am EXTREMELY happy it's Tuesday because we leave for vacation tomorrow.  Headed up to one of my favorite places on Earth: Lake Okoboji. I'm so ready for five days of R&R with my husband and family, complete with lakes and sunshine. (And debauchery on the boat, of course.) To quote my husband, we are going to "drink the shit out of some weed and waters."

Got today's blog idea from my co-worker, Mary, over at A Little Bit of Class, A Little Bit of Sass. Mary has been a great resource as I try to ramp up my blog. She introduced me to a gal who is helping me revamp this site and get it all optimized with my social media pages, etc. Look for some big changes coming soon!

Without further adieu, let's get personal.

If you really knew me...'d know that growing up, I dabbled in everything. I played the cello and clarinet, was in choir, dance and gymnastics. I played volleyball, softball and basketball. I was a killer pitcher, if I do say so myself, and I quit basketball senior year of high school to do cheer leading.'d know I published my first book when I was in 2nd grade. It was called "How the Fox Got It's Tail." You'd also know that I published my second book when I was 25. I was the co-author on a book called "Career Building: Your Total Handbook for Finding a Job and Making it Work."'d know that I'm terrified of heights. As in, I went repelling once and cried the whole time. As in, my knees get weak just looking over the edge of a tall building, no matter how high the railing. My second fear is death, both my own and my loved ones.'d know that I'm a fat person trapped inside a not-as-fat-as-I-should-be-but-still-sort-of-chubby body. I'm always hungry (ask my husband). While I generally eat healthy, if I could live on pizza, tacos, candy and buffalo wings for the rest of my life with no repercussions, I would.'d know that although writing is my greatest passion, it's also my greatest insecurity. What do you do if you're bad at the one thing you love the most?'d know that, much to my husband's chagrin, as soon as I'm done having babies, I'm getting my boobs done. Reduced and lifted, thank you very much.'d know that I can't watch other people spit their toothpaste in the sink when they're done brushing. It's disgusting.'d know that I've had a series of strange health issues, one of which almost killed me. One included seizures, blood infections and encephalitis, which lead to a coma. The other included a blood clot, which was caused by an extra rib I had under my clavicle, which was surgically removed.'d know that once, when I was in elementary school, I left an obscene message for my dentist. I was being harassed by a kid at school, and I hadn't told anyone, so I picked a number from the "Emergency List" on the fridge, and repeated everything this boy had ever told me. My mother was horrified. More horrified than when she got a different from phone call from the same dentist, letting her know that I had gotten my tongue stuck to the bumper of their car. I was trying to lick snow off. I'm awesome.'d know that I went to the University of Kansas and it was, to date, one of the top 10 best decisions I've ever made. I barely knew a soul, but made some of my best girl friends in the sorority I joined, Kappa Alpha Theta. My memories from college make my heart happy to think about.

...speaking of friends, you'd know that I have the best in the world. No seriously — my friends are better than your friends. My core group of girls are friends from elementary, junior high, high school and college. All of us are from Iowa City, and have grown up together in one way or another. We've seen each other through the hardest moments, as well as the happiest. I am so grateful for each of them every day.'d know that I have approximately 0 hidden talents. Damnit.'d know that my husband and I met in high school. We were in the same class and got to know each other when he got suspended from school after stealing me a bottle of vodka and showing up to the dance intoxicated. I gave him his homework for the week. He told me I was the one approximately 2 hours after our first date. He writes me loves letters. I love him.'d know that I lived in Spain for 5 months in college. This experience is also on my "top 10 best choices" hit list. I saw things, visited places and met people I never would have otherwise. I learned so much about myself in that time and learned some hard lessons, but all of them have shaped me for the better.'d know that in addition to fantastic friends, I have an amazing family. I have two sisters, who are my best friends. Though my parents are divorced, I'm fortunate that they get along better than they did when they were married. My dad's new marriage has brought me a step-mom and two step-brothers. (One of whom is also my brother-in-law. Still saving that for another blog.) I have two adorable nieces, Sloan & Aly, whom I love like my own. You know those people who hate their in-laws? I'm not one of them. My mother, father and sister-in law are all amazing and I feel so lucky to have them in my life.

That's enough for now, but there are more gems like this to come! See you after vacation :)
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The Dating Game

As a happily married Old Maid who dated her husband for the better part of the past 12 years, it's safe to say that my dating experience has been limited. Even in the few years where we weren't dating during college, I never really went on a ton of dates in the interim. I wish I could say the same for my husband, who has, shall we say "gotten around." (Love you!)

I can't really say that this a huge regret of mine. I've always maintained that I knew Bryan was "the one" way back when. I didn't want to waste my time with other guys while I waited patiently...for 9 years...for Bryan to figure it out.

I will say that a small part of me is jealous of the girls who have been on countless dates and as such, have an arsenal of bad dating stories. I find them quite entertaining, especially those from my friend Ashley.  I'm sure those girls are also jealous of me, the wife with a husband to come to every night instead of an empty apartment.

The grass is always greener.

In any case, of the few dates I've gone on in my 28 years, I can say that I've experienced the spectrum. My first date with Bryan was actually, one of the best dates I've ever been on, aside from the fact that he almost killed us by turning left in front of oncoming traffic at a terrifying high speed, and right over a railroad track, making us airborne.

Then there was the guy I met at a bar one night in college. For our first date, which was consequently our last, I invited him to a house party we were throwing (I wanted to keep it casual). He showed up stoned, carrying a meat and cheese tray. Our greeting was the only words we exchanged all night.

There were date parties with the boys from the frat next door. There were coffee dates with cute boys I met in Spain. There was one date I went on a few years ago when Bryan and I were on a brief break. Suffice it to say that he was not interested in me after finding out I lived with my ex-boyfriend.

But before all of these dates, there was my senior prom. And that, my friends, was the worst date ever.

The day started as any normal prom day. I had just gotten my hair done and had moved on to get my fake nails applied. As I heard sirens soar by, I had the weirdest feeling. About the same time, I got a phone call, telling me that Brittany, my best friend, had been in a car accident. I left the salon, one hand of nails left unmanicured.

She was so lucky. She was stopped at a stop sign, waiting to turn left. She was inching forward and the front of her car clipped an oncoming truck. Both cars ended up in the ravine, and both victims had to go to the hospital.

Thank God she was OK. After spending most of the day in the hospital, Brittany was discharged and was determined not to miss her senior prom. We finished our prepping, got dressed and everyone met over at Brittany's parent's house for pictures.

My date was Ryan Greene. He had had a crush on me for a long time, and as my beau was overseas, I thought it'd be harmless to go with him to the dance.

Disaster #1: Ryan shows up with a corsage. Cute, right? Yeah, up until I take it out and realize it's a PIN ON corsage. As in, the type you give a BOY. We had to create a wrist corsage by pinning it onto a freakin' hair tie. Has this guy never been to prom? Does he lack anyone in his life, be it a friend, sister or mother, to tell him the very basics of prom attire? Strike 1.

After pictures with the pseudo-corsage, we set out in his red Camaro with another couple to attend our progressive dinner. For those unfamiliar, a progressive dinner is when we stop at different houses for each course.

Disaster #2: We blow a tire on our way to the next house. We were on the "strip" and the four of us had to push the car off the road so that we could get the tire changed. Keep in mind, I was in a pink prom dress, hair and makeup done, and I broke a fake nail. Strike 2.

After the tire mishap, we went to the next part of the meal.

Disaster #3: I'm a self-described fatty and ate too much, whereby I broke my dress. Yep. True story. Fatty broke her zipper. Strike 1: Rachel.

We finished progressive dinner and it was time to go to THE PROM. OMG. Sorry, brief relapse back to 18-year-old speak.

So, we get to the prom and shuffle to the dance floor. We were there for no less than 10 minutes when

Disaster #4 occurred. My date was gone? I looked high and low for that kid, swaying to the music by myself, when it came to my attention where he was: Outside getting high. And that is where he stayed for pretty much THE ENTIRE DANCE.

At some point, everyone realized exactly how lame prom is, so we migrated to Annie's house, for our after prom party. I still had hope that Ryan and I might you know, talk, at some point in the evening, but alas, I got drunk and he passed out.

Annie still insists that he was just nervous around me and that's why he did literally everything wrong.

In any case, it's these memories that make me forever grateful for the man I married and all the dates I've had, good or bad, that helped me realize I never want to go on a date with anyone but him.


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