To The...Volume 2

Happy Thursday, folks! It's an especially happy Thursday for me. I have about 2 hours of work today, then we are headed to Wrigley Field for our company outing. On Friday, I am headed to Denver! I'll be meeting 4 of my BFF's and my sister to celebrate on of my dear friends' bachelorette. It should be a weekend filled of fun, sun, wine, penis memorabilia, Wiz Khalifa and a little game called "Dick Head Hoopla."
Are you jealous? Get excited for my weekend update!

Anyway, I've conjured up another list of revelations (or rants, whichever you prefer). Without further adieu, I bring you "to the," numero dos.

To the... 

Guy on the train with his bike. You have a bike...but you're on the train. What's wrong with this picture? BYE. 

To the... 

Woman with a permanent scowl on her face. I'm sure there is more than one of you in this world, but I'm talking to a specific gal who had the most unpleasant look on her face the entire time she was on the train the other day. Honestly, it looked like she was smelling the worst fart in the world. Take it from someone who is consistently told to smile more: Smile more.
Source: VHl. No clue who this is but her scowl sucks.

To the... 

Hairline of Teresa Giudice, of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. I'm new to your franchise, and I'm fascinated, not just by the show but by YOU, hairline. I've never seen anything like you. You're hideous and hilarious all at once. Another inch, hairline, and you become her eyebrows. I can't understand, but please, remedy yourself.

To the...

Girls out there who are dressed to the nines when going to the gym. When I go to the gym, I grace everyone with the privilege of seeing me in some type of Lycra, a giant t-shirt that likely belongs to my husband, three sports bras, and my hair back, in a sweaty mess (yes, I sweat on my way TO the gym, SHUT UP). 

So to you, chick with your hair "casually" curled in a "messy" ponytail that fell "just so" over your shoulder, in the trendy neon v-neck that showed just enough of your boobs to make me wonder if they were real but to let me know that you were NOT wearing a sports a bra, complete with a fresh face of make-up: Stop it. You're ruining it for the rest of us.

To the...

People who let their dog crap on the sidewalk...and then don't pick it up. You're sick. Do better. 
That was a contribution from my bestie, Britt. You're welcome.

To the...

Concept of time. I have none. So please, slow down, and give me some time to catch up.

To the...

People at Bic, who thought Bic Pens 'For Her' were a good idea. You're a bunch of D's. One 'breemeup,' took the words right out of my mouth in her review, which was voted 'most favorable' on
“Finally! For years I’ve had to rely on pencils, or at worst, a twig and some drops of my feminine blood to write down recipes (the only thing a lady should be writing ever). I had despaired of ever being able to write down said recipes in a permanent manner, though my men-folk assured me that I “shouldn’t worry yer pretty little head”. But, AT LAST! Bic, the great liberator, has released a womanly pen that my gentle baby hands can use without fear of unlady-like callouses and bruises. Thank you, Bic!”

And finally, To the...

Spanish woman who disfigured a century-old “ecce homo” fresco of Jesus. You are in idiot and this is literally the dumbest thing anyone has ever done. My husband showed me this article when we—I—was watching "Bachelor Pad" the other night. When he saw a contestant, Jaclyn Swartz, he said she looked like the botched Jesus. Here's a comparison:
 I mean. That's pretty freakin' hilarious. So lady, you're dumb, but thanks for providing entertainment for the rest of us. Check out this link, too. You're welcome.

Who should I include in my next "to the" series? Do you agree with today's choices?

Read More

Am I Crazy?

Don't answer that.

I've done something stupid. (Again.) I signed up to participate in a Tough Mudder. Not sure what that is? Read on, you blissfully ignorant reader.

Let's start from the beginning. Earlier this summer, the husband mentioned that he wanted to run this race in Seattle on September 29. If that doesn't mean anything to you, just know that my birthday is September 28. I am a big a birthday person. So naturally, I was opposed to this idea, as I wanted to celebrate my birthday with him, here in Chicago — not ringing in 29 with a near-death experience. Next thing I know, I get an email with his confirmed registration with a note from him that says "spectator tickets are available."

Thanks, honey.

I'll spare you the saga of the many conversations we've had since then. Aside from the whole, 'It's my birthday!' thing, I told husband that I didn't want to look like the only a*hole (read, wimp) not participating. He assured that me that of our couple friends who would be there, I would not be the only one not doing it. So I got over it (a little bit) and had basically decided I'd go for the weekend to hang out with everyone. Until the other day, I see that the one gal I had been counting on hanging out with, Beth, signed up. TRAITOR! So, here I am.

I know you might be thinking I had a choice in this matter. Sure, I made this "choice." But this was not a real choice, people: I was peer pressured and I am not happy about.

Sorry if 12 miles and 25 obstacles does not sound like my idea of a good time. Sorry if I'd rather celebrate my birthday sucking down champagne instead of mud.

So, what exactly is a tough mudder, you ask? The web site says "Tough Mudder events are hardcore 10-12 mile obstacle courses designed by British Special Forces to test your all around strength, stamina, mental grit, and camaraderie."


I got an email today telling me to "Get pumped and check out the Artic Enema Obstacle Video!" It's descriptor is as follows:
"Many athletes use ice baths for recovery, but you'll have a difficult time relaxing your muscles in this frigid dumpster. First you must bravely jump into Big Mudder's floating iceberg abyss. Once submerged, find the mental and physical strength to swim through the ice, under a wooden plank and pull yourself out on the other end before you become hypothermic." 

I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?

How about some 'Electroshock therapy'? No? Not interested? Me either.

"Sprint through a field of live wires — some carrying as much as 10,000 volts of electric shock. Watch out for hay bales and deep mud, or you will face-plant into some electrifying mud. Some Mudders try to stealthily wind their way through the wires without getting shocked, while others barrel forward to get through as quickly as possible."

Anyone feel like burning to death in the "Fire Walker" obstacle? Better freshen' up on my "stop, drop and roll" skills.

"You’ll be running through a trench of blazing, kerosene-soaked straw. You can expect flames at least 4 feet tall." 


What do you guys think? Can I do it? Have YOU done it? Got any tips?

Read More

If You Really Knew Me...

Happy Tuesday!

I for one, am EXTREMELY happy it's Tuesday because we leave for vacation tomorrow.  Headed up to one of my favorite places on Earth: Lake Okoboji. I'm so ready for five days of R&R with my husband and family, complete with lakes and sunshine. (And debauchery on the boat, of course.) To quote my husband, we are going to "drink the shit out of some weed and waters."

Got today's blog idea from my co-worker, Mary, over at A Little Bit of Class, A Little Bit of Sass. Mary has been a great resource as I try to ramp up my blog. She introduced me to a gal who is helping me revamp this site and get it all optimized with my social media pages, etc. Look for some big changes coming soon!

Without further adieu, let's get personal.

If you really knew me...'d know that growing up, I dabbled in everything. I played the cello and clarinet, was in choir, dance and gymnastics. I played volleyball, softball and basketball. I was a killer pitcher, if I do say so myself, and I quit basketball senior year of high school to do cheer leading.'d know I published my first book when I was in 2nd grade. It was called "How the Fox Got It's Tail." You'd also know that I published my second book when I was 25. I was the co-author on a book called "Career Building: Your Total Handbook for Finding a Job and Making it Work."'d know that I'm terrified of heights. As in, I went repelling once and cried the whole time. As in, my knees get weak just looking over the edge of a tall building, no matter how high the railing. My second fear is death, both my own and my loved ones.'d know that I'm a fat person trapped inside a not-as-fat-as-I-should-be-but-still-sort-of-chubby body. I'm always hungry (ask my husband). While I generally eat healthy, if I could live on pizza, tacos, candy and buffalo wings for the rest of my life with no repercussions, I would.'d know that although writing is my greatest passion, it's also my greatest insecurity. What do you do if you're bad at the one thing you love the most?'d know that, much to my husband's chagrin, as soon as I'm done having babies, I'm getting my boobs done. Reduced and lifted, thank you very much.'d know that I can't watch other people spit their toothpaste in the sink when they're done brushing. It's disgusting.'d know that I've had a series of strange health issues, one of which almost killed me. One included seizures, blood infections and encephalitis, which lead to a coma. The other included a blood clot, which was caused by an extra rib I had under my clavicle, which was surgically removed.'d know that once, when I was in elementary school, I left an obscene message for my dentist. I was being harassed by a kid at school, and I hadn't told anyone, so I picked a number from the "Emergency List" on the fridge, and repeated everything this boy had ever told me. My mother was horrified. More horrified than when she got a different from phone call from the same dentist, letting her know that I had gotten my tongue stuck to the bumper of their car. I was trying to lick snow off. I'm awesome.'d know that I went to the University of Kansas and it was, to date, one of the top 10 best decisions I've ever made. I barely knew a soul, but made some of my best girl friends in the sorority I joined, Kappa Alpha Theta. My memories from college make my heart happy to think about.

...speaking of friends, you'd know that I have the best in the world. No seriously — my friends are better than your friends. My core group of girls are friends from elementary, junior high, high school and college. All of us are from Iowa City, and have grown up together in one way or another. We've seen each other through the hardest moments, as well as the happiest. I am so grateful for each of them every day.'d know that I have approximately 0 hidden talents. Damnit.'d know that my husband and I met in high school. We were in the same class and got to know each other when he got suspended from school after stealing me a bottle of vodka and showing up to the dance intoxicated. I gave him his homework for the week. He told me I was the one approximately 2 hours after our first date. He writes me loves letters. I love him.'d know that I lived in Spain for 5 months in college. This experience is also on my "top 10 best choices" hit list. I saw things, visited places and met people I never would have otherwise. I learned so much about myself in that time and learned some hard lessons, but all of them have shaped me for the better.'d know that in addition to fantastic friends, I have an amazing family. I have two sisters, who are my best friends. Though my parents are divorced, I'm fortunate that they get along better than they did when they were married. My dad's new marriage has brought me a step-mom and two step-brothers. (One of whom is also my brother-in-law. Still saving that for another blog.) I have two adorable nieces, Sloan & Aly, whom I love like my own. You know those people who hate their in-laws? I'm not one of them. My mother, father and sister-in law are all amazing and I feel so lucky to have them in my life.

That's enough for now, but there are more gems like this to come! See you after vacation :)
Read More