To The... Volume 1

When I get writer's block, I look to other blogging phenoms for inspiration. My sorority sister's sister, who was also in my sorority (got that?), writes a blog that is absolutely hilarious, called EmmasThing. It makes me laugh out loud and after I do that, I get jealous because I don't think I make anyone laugh out loud.

Anyway, she has started a brilliant series that I am going to borrow when inspiration hits. I've been saving up for this blog and taking lots of mental notes as to what include for this round. It's pretty comprehensive.

Here we go.

To the...people who take the elevator to the second floor. Really? Are you that incredibly lazy, fat and stupid (or a combination of all three) that you can't just walk the 10 stairs up to your floor? You do realize that it takes you longer to wait for the elevator and wait for other people to get on the elevator than it would to just walk up a flight of stairs, right? Obviously you don't, because you've now effectively wasted a solid 2 minutes of my day based the fact that you're dumb.

To the...biker who yelled at me last week as I stopped my car to let a PREGNANT LADY WITH A STROLLER cross in front of me. Fuck you. I realize the NOSE of my car was in "your lane" but guess what, you don't have the right of way. Bitch.

And, to the...biking population in general. You suck. Why do you get to blow through stop signs and stop lights and generally, not abide by general traffic law? Why do you cut cars off and then swear at them? Why, lady on the bike, are you wearing a dress on a bike? Why are you sir, wearing a full suit? I guess I just don't understand.

To the...trend that is flower pants. No. Just no.

To who told me earlier this week to "have a good Monday." If you didn't understand my murmured reply, it's because I didn't understand what you said to me. It was so fast and so quiet, I legit thought you were a crazy person muttering under your breath. But, after I realized a few minutes too late what you said, it made me smile and I appreciated it. It's actually been a real shitty week, so maybe you jinxed me, but I did appreciate the well wishes.

To the...women who wear sneakers with skirts. I get that comfort is key but have you no dignity?

To the...homeless people who shake their cups with change at me. That does not make me more empathetic or sympathetic or any other 'etic' words for you. In fact, it makes me mad. I have given my fair share of money to homeless people. But I'm not giving it to you because you're just being rude. And also, if you're actually homeless, you should not be picky when I offer you my leftovers and you say that you don't like macaroni and cheese. I mean, beggars can't be choosers, right?

To the...pregnant people on Facebook. I am very excited for you that you are pregnant. Pregnancy is a miracle. Do I need to see your status updates every single day about it? I don't. Can I say I won't do the same thing when I'm pregnant? No, I guess not, but I also think that I'll know better. Your bump is cute, don't get me wrong, as are all of the creative ways people tell the world they are pregnant. So are the little sonogram pictures, and I even like knowing if you are having a boy or a girl. It's just all the other stuff - that really annoys me. Feel free to quote me on this when I do the same thing when I'm preggers.

To the...Michigan Avenue tourists. Have you ever seen a building before? A homeless person? A Coach store? Anything remotely interesting, ever? Seriously, go home. Walk faster. Get a look, move along but mostly, get the eff out of my way.

To the...rats in the city. You are vile. Straight up disgusting. I wish there were snakes in the city to eat the rats, and then mongoose would eat the snake and something would eat the mongoose and so on and so forth until there was nothing left but kittens and puppies.

That's all I got. Happy Thursday, ya'll!


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